Memoirs of a Steroid Kingpin, Episode 16: “Buying a Dodge Charger”

I woke in the morning with Max’s head on my shoulder and his body against mine. It was absolutely adorable. The night before, I had been working late, and as I went to bed, I had forgotten there was a new dog in the house. I looked down from my bed to see Max on the floor staring up at me. I called his name, and he immediately jumped on the bed and dove into my arms. With Max in one arm and Kip in the other, I was flush with oxytocin. I slept very well and had now awoken in the same position, with Kip and Max in each of my arms. It was a little piece of utopia. I had already decided, even if Max’s owners did call, I was not giving this dog back.

I would have loved to stay in bed enjoying the company of my dogs, but it was and exciting day. I was going to look for a new car. I was used to poverty, and was reticent to spend the money I had been making because I was still unsure as to how long this recent spate of success would last, but the rush of dopamine from the thought of a new car caused an overpowering feeling of anticipation.

There was a large used car lot near the gym I attended, and I had seen a befitting Dodge Charger there the last few weeks for $21,000, listed down from $23,000 a week ago. Although I could have pulled that much money together, spending that much money in one place would have been a red flag for the government to potentially pry into my finances with an audit. Besides, I would rather make a car payment over time simply because I felt more comfortable with a copious savings. This car was really becoming, and I didn’t expect to be able to have it financed, but by inquiring, I would get an idea of what I could afford. One of my friends worked at this used car lot as a salesman, and he told me to bring in my last two pay stubs to see if he could get the car financed for me. I had recently covered a few shifts for people, so my last two paychecks were a little more than usual, but still only showed an income of a little over three hundred dollars a week. As I was filling out the paperwork, I realized one area that may have helped my case was the fact that I had no rent, and the only bill I had was my cellphone. I indicated that I was willing to put six thousand dollars down, and when I was discussing the possibility of financing with my friend, he seemed unsure. I knew this salesman from the gym, and we ran in similar social circles. Although he didn’t know the extent of my extra-curricular activities, he knew I made more money than those paychecks I showed to him.

“Look”, I said to him on the down low, “You know I… generate supplemental income that I leave off the record for tax purposes, and hence, I can afford any monthly payments. Is there any way to coerce your boss into understanding that these payments will be easy for me to make?”

“I know you do well for yourself. Let me see what I can do”, he said as he stood up and went into his boss’s office.

When he came back out of the office, his steps were hurried, his pace was with purpose, so I could tell the answer wasn’t no, but that there may be a caveat.

“I explained that you had some supplemental income that you are leaving off the record due to tax implications, and he said that if you can put nine thousand dollars down, he can make this work for you. Your payments will be five hundred a month.”

I didn’t want to take that much out of my savings. I didn’t know what I was saving for. A part of me thought this was all going to end. If this whole thing ended, I wouldn’t be able to make the payments on this car anyway. Ten thousand dollars was the minimum number that would draw a red flag from the government, and nine thousand fell short of government oversight. In light of that, it did not matter whether I put six thousand down or nine thousand down. It was time to have a little faith. The massive dopamine uptake from the thought of owning a new car was making me justify my actions.

“What the hell. Let’s make it happen.” I was able to drive my new car off the lot. It was thrilling. I felt exalted. The D.O.S.E. response was glorious. I was on top of the world.

On my way back home, as I drove by my house to pull into my driveway, I noticed a few packages on my front porch. One of them was a very large cardboard box. The products from Gene had evidently arrived. I entered the house, said hello to the dogs, and opened the front door. I was used to getting steroid packages in the mail from China, but these weren’t all steroids. I looked around. I don’t know what I was looking for. Maybe a black car with tinted windows watching for me to grab the packages so DEA could storm the house. Here’s what I would do: I will grab the boxes, take them out to my garage, and leave them there for a few days unopened. If you don’t open packages containing contraband, you may have some wiggle room regarding knowingly possessing said contraband. Despite this theory, I really needed to open the Anavar right away. I had several people waiting for that to come in, and I did not want to delay my customers. I had the Anavar sold almost immediately, quadrupling that investment in two hours.

I texted Gene that I had received the packages, and I thanked him. One of the packages his employees had sent was a big mystery box, I imagine it was full of a multitude of drugs. It was packaged very loosely, the large box only being half full. The cardboard box also appeared to have some fragility, like it could have ripped open. That would not have been good. I informed Gene about the frailty of the box, and that he may want to tell his guys to package more securely. Look at me, being sanctimonious about packaging when I was the one with poor packaging not too long ago. I also told him I had his money, and I wanted to pay him for everything. I did not like owing anyone. He told me to hold on to the money and pay him the next time he was in town. I didn’t really like that, I wanted to pay him now, but he insisted.

NEXT >> Episode 17 (Overwhelmed with New Orders)

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Memoirs of a Steroid Kingpin (Table of Contents)

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Ryan’s Root’s real-life autobiographical story is a must-read account of his rise and fall as one of the largest anabolic steroid dealers on the Internet.

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