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As you all know every year there are sparrows that fly north for the summer and south for the fall. Well, one year this little sparrow fell in with the wrong crowd of sparrows, and when he flew north for the summer, he started having the time of his life. He partied with the pigeons, orgied with the oreos, and got rowdy with the robins, just having the best time that a little sparrow can have. Well, he was having a great time when the clock inside his head went off telling him to fly south for the winter, and instead of flying south, he ignored it and just kept on having a great little time. He kept partying until the first storm of winter came and the little sparrow said "Uh oh! I better fly south or else I'll freeze to death up here!" So the little sparrow took off as fast as he could going south, but it was futile. The storm eventually caught up to him. He kept flapping his little sparrow wings as hard as he could as the frost built up on his breast, but eventually it got too cold and ice froze his little wings stiff, and down the little sparrow went into a pasture. The sparrow layed there saying "Oh, woe is me! I should have flown south when all the other sparrows did!" when about that time a cow wandered out into the pasture and did what all cows are famous for doing--yes, the cow deficated massively right onto the little sparrow. So now the sparrow said "Oh dear, oh woe is me, not only am I to die of shame, I am to die of embarassment under a large pile of feces!" But the feces was warm, and it melted the ice around his little beak and his wings! This made the sparrow so happy that he decided to start singing. Around the time he started singing, the farm cat wandered up to the pile to investigate the phenomenon of a singing pile of feces. So, the cat scraped off the feces and found a little sparrow laying there singing, which the cat ate on the spot.

This story has three morals:
1. Not everyone who dumps on your head is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who scrapes crap off of your head is your friend.
3. If you're nice and warm and cozy, don't sing about it.
 
dolfe1 said:
As you all know every year there are sparrows that fly north for the summer and south for the fall. Well, one year this little sparrow fell in with the wrong crowd of sparrows, and when he flew north for the summer, he started having the time of his life. He partied with the pigeons, orgied with the oreos, and got rowdy with the robins, just having the best time that a little sparrow can have. Well, he was having a great time when the clock inside his head went off telling him to fly south for the winter, and instead of flying south, he ignored it and just kept on having a great little time. He kept partying until the first storm of winter came and the little sparrow said "Uh oh! I better fly south or else I'll freeze to death up here!" So the little sparrow took off as fast as he could going south, but it was futile. The storm eventually caught up to him. He kept flapping his little sparrow wings as hard as he could as the frost built up on his breast, but eventually it got too cold and ice froze his little wings stiff, and down the little sparrow went into a pasture. The sparrow layed there saying "Oh, woe is me! I should have flown south when all the other sparrows did!" when about that time a cow wandered out into the pasture and did what all cows are famous for doing--yes, the cow deficated massively right onto the little sparrow. So now the sparrow said "Oh dear, oh woe is me, not only am I to die of shame, I am to die of embarassment under a large pile of feces!" But the feces was warm, and it melted the ice around his little beak and his wings! This made the sparrow so happy that he decided to start singing. Around the time he started singing, the farm cat wandered up to the pile to investigate the phenomenon of a singing pile of feces. So, the cat scraped off the feces and found a little sparrow laying there singing, which the cat ate on the spot.

This story has three morals:
1. Not everyone who dumps on your head is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who scrapes crap off of your head is your friend.
3. If you're nice and warm and cozy, don't sing about it.
Click to expand...



dolphe you are a funny funny man!! i'm busy lately at work, but i will be on here later on to tell everyone how my buddy broke his thumb.... i have some funny ass friends here. LATER
 
Fast Food said:
dolphe you are a funny funny man!! i'm busy lately at work, but i will be on here later on to tell everyone how my buddy broke his thumb.... i have some funny ass friends here. LATER
Click to expand...

I have a funny story about how I got my foot run over.
 
Special High Intensity Training

To: All employees
Fr: Managament
Subject: Special High Intensity Training

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all our employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T than any other company.

If you feel that you do not recieve your fair share of S.H.I.T on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T seriously will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T) Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T.S.H.I.T) Since our managers took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T allready.

If you are full of S.H.I.T, you maybe intrested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P.S.H.I.T). If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T)

Thank you,
Boss In General
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)
 
dolfe1 said:
Special High Intensity Training

To: All employees
Fr: Managament
Subject: Special High Intensity Training

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all our employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T than any other company.

If you feel that you do not recieve your fair share of S.H.I.T on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T seriously will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T) Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T.S.H.I.T) Since our managers took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T allready.

If you are full of S.H.I.T, you maybe intrested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P.S.H.I.T). If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T)

Thank you,
Boss In General
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)
Click to expand...


Haha!! ROTFLMFAO!!
 
Susy DeLucci and the Miracle of Life.!!!
One morning around 5am 22 year old Susan DeLucci of Kittery, Maine, woke up with a painful need to urinate. At first she thought she had diarrhea, but when she stood up out of bed, she realized that it was urinary pain.

It was very similar to the feeling of having diarrhea, just out the wrong hole.
She wobbled to the toilet and upon sitting on it, her vagina erupted into the most horrific messy farting noise anyone has ever heard.
In paralyzing pain, Ms. DeLucci for the next few minutes continued to push and squirt out of her vagina a burning tide of wretch and filth while she gripped the sides of the toilet, white-knuckled.

She was screaming wildly, and the neighbors called the police. When medics arrived they found Ms. DeNucci unconscious lying on the floor of her bathroom wearing nothing but her bath robe.

Running down her leg, was a stream of brown and green syrup. The medic had to transfer her to a stretcher, so he grabbed her left leg which was bent crossing her other leg, to straighten her out.
She was lying there all twisted up.
When he lifted her left leg to straighten her body out, he exposed her vagina at which point a creature, no larger than the tip of a finger wormed its way out of her genitals and landed on the floor with a wet popping sound.

Shocked, the medic stared at the creature that was lying on the tile bathroom floor in a casing of mucous.
It was a tiny mud shrimp and it sat there on the cold floor gasping for water while flipping itself back and forth.
The horrified medic turned to the toilet as he felt the nausea setting in.

When he put his face down into the toilet to puke what he saw was so horrific that to this day he cannot look into a toilet without convulsing.
The entire toilet bowl was boiling with baby brown mud shrimp flipping and splashing at a furious pace.

If you think that is bad - wait until you hear how it happened:
Ms. DeLucci's death was the result of a combination of shock and severe head trauma.
She stood up over the toilet in pain and when she saw what she had done, she went into shock and fell, smashing her head on the toilet and then on the floor.

It is believed by police that two nights before the accident she had purchased a live lobster at a fish market.
While lying in a tub, she gently inserted the creature's tail into her vagina to derive physical pleasure.
At that point, she held a lighter under the creature's face causing it to flip its tail in a violent snapping motion.
The medics found a lesbian XXX video in the VCR and the TV was positioned on a table in front of the tub.

The lobster was found in the kitchen garbage can wrapped in a paper bag.
Traces of Ms. DeLucci's DNA were found on the lobster along with pubic hairs that had wedged themselves between the lobsters' tail joints.
The lobster's face was lightly burned with the same fuel used in lighters.
The lobster's digestive track and colon were found to be full of mud shrimp egg casings.

Doctors believe that the lobster had eaten them (they are common in the water at fish markets and are usually harmlessly boiled to death) and the lobster had crapped them out into Ms. DeLucci's vagina when she was torturing it.

Maine mud shrimp only take two days to gestate and Ms. DeLucci was only four days away from getting her period. Doctors believe that at that point of her menstrual cycle, her womb was the perfect PH balance to grow these mud shrimp which are a much larger version of the popular "Sea Monkey" pets sold throughout the US.
Overnight the eggs had hatched and the mud shrimp began doubling in size every ten minutes!!!
 
OMFG!!!!

I read that someplace before a few years back... thought it was just one of the millions of urban Legends circulating!!

CJ
 
Subject: A boy walks into a farm


A little boy came down to breakfast


Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores..

. "Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a
chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the
pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.


"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my
cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you
don't get any eggs.

I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon,
either.

I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this
morning."


Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat
as he's walking into the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with
a smile, and says,

"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
 
LMAO!!!! :D

dolfe1 said:
Subject: A boy walks into a farm


A little boy came down to breakfast


Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores..

. "Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a
chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the
pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.


"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my
cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you
don't get any eggs.

I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon,
either.

I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this
morning."


Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat
as he's walking into the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with
a smile, and says,

"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
Click to expand...
 
thick said:
nice jokes. that dude can really fly
Click to expand...

This shit is funny!

It's Your Call

This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a US navel ship and the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Canadians: "Please divert your course by 15 degrees south to avoid a collision".

Americans: "Recommend that you divert your course by 15 degrees north to avoid a collision"

Canadians: "Negative. You have to divert your course by 15 degrees south to avoid a collision"

Americans: "This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course".

Canadains: "No. I say again divert YOUR course".

Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE BY 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP".

Canadains: "This is a lighthouse. Your Call"
 
lmao, i bet he feels stupid
dolfe1 said:
This shit is funny!

It's Your Call

This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a US navel ship and the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Canadians: "Please divert your course by 15 degrees south to avoid a collision".

Americans: "Recommend that you divert your course by 15 degrees north to avoid a collision"

Canadians: "Negative. You have to divert your course by 15 degrees south to avoid a collision"

Americans: "This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course".

Canadains: "No. I say again divert YOUR course".

Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE BY 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP".

Canadains: "This is a lighthouse. Your Call"
Click to expand...
 
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