Quick background... 25 year recovering alcoholic, sober 14 months, been lifting with a PT 6 days/week for 15 months. Been on doc prescribed TRT for a little over 1 year, cruising T levels are steadily around 1000.
So I researched this board for 4-5 months before doing my first cycle, well really a blast. Got great results physically but wish I had researched the mental side. Btw I can't do progress pics because I have a lot of very distinguishable tattoos. Anyway I started at the beginner doses 500mg/300mg weekly of test/npp. I guess due to my highly addictive nature, by the time week 4 bloods were done I was pinning 700/500. T level was 2400 and E was at 55 so I upped my dose of adex. I suppose I got hooked on the strength gains that occurred every fuckin day literally, the 24/7 pump and my erections were out of this world so my ex gf and I were loving that obviously.
By week 8 bloods I was doing 900-1000mg of test and 700mg of npp weekly, I even got hooked on pinning every day. My T was at 3600, E was at 8. Physically the gains were solid, I was up from 185 to 210 at 6' tall, not bad for a noobie gym rat. My body fat post cycle after the water retention left was 13.7%. However it was around that 8 week point that what my psychologist called "paranoid jealousy" kicked in. I've never felt jealousy like I did then and proceeded to start raging via phone and text to who is now my ex gf. She left me like a bad habit and at the time I could care less, the way I looked and felt physically, it didn't matter that I was 40 and fucked it up with a hot 25 yr old gf, dime a dozen right? Doh.
So then after week 12, I discovered what it was like to come down from 3600 T back to cruise levels and dropping the 700mg/wk nandrolone abruptly. Holy fuck I learned quickly what true depression felt like. Anxiety through the roof, borderline mania, with deep depression. If I didn't have a PT, I surely would've lost all the gains. Didn't want to crawl out of bed even if I slept for 10+ hours. My trainer saved the gains, we switched from lots of heavy 5x5's to high rep super and trisets with little rest for the hour session. I'd be on my hands and knees, trying to breath and slipping in my own sweat puddles. He'd say, "what are you thinking about?" I'd reply "breathing". He'd say, "Good! You're not thinking about that girl, get up and do it again! Your set let's go!" Lol I'm fortunate that I found a good trainer as noob. Anyway...
So my doctor promptly put me on ativan and seroquel. Fucking seroquel! Check out the sides if you don't know, yikes. Albeit at a "low" 100mg dose but still. In the short term my sleep and mood improved while I started seeing a psychologist. Long story short (uhh too late!) it was the psyche that helped the most mentally. As I type this, I am completely off ativan and only a few days away from being off seroquel. The fat gain and slowing of metabolism side effects of seroquel started to show and I decided to get off all this shit immediately. Plus the psyche taught me some strategies for strength of the mind, turned out my whole life has been a pattern of addiction and I never learned how to cope in sobriety! Given the shitstorm I created right before coming down from extremely high T levels, well obviously that made it worse. Been feeling terrific for a month or so and in a few days will be proud to say I am completely anti depressant and anti anxiety meds free.
My 3 month cruise ended and now I'm 2 weeks into my 2nd bulk cycle, same drugs this time but now I will heed y'alls advice on not taking too much. Hell I should've heeded your advice and cycled up the first time with 500mg test only. The GM of my gym who has kind of become my mentor has stressed from the beginning, juice at the lowest doses possible and maximize training and nutrition. I should've fucking listened, this time I will.
So I researched this board for 4-5 months before doing my first cycle, well really a blast. Got great results physically but wish I had researched the mental side. Btw I can't do progress pics because I have a lot of very distinguishable tattoos. Anyway I started at the beginner doses 500mg/300mg weekly of test/npp. I guess due to my highly addictive nature, by the time week 4 bloods were done I was pinning 700/500. T level was 2400 and E was at 55 so I upped my dose of adex. I suppose I got hooked on the strength gains that occurred every fuckin day literally, the 24/7 pump and my erections were out of this world so my ex gf and I were loving that obviously.
By week 8 bloods I was doing 900-1000mg of test and 700mg of npp weekly, I even got hooked on pinning every day. My T was at 3600, E was at 8. Physically the gains were solid, I was up from 185 to 210 at 6' tall, not bad for a noobie gym rat. My body fat post cycle after the water retention left was 13.7%. However it was around that 8 week point that what my psychologist called "paranoid jealousy" kicked in. I've never felt jealousy like I did then and proceeded to start raging via phone and text to who is now my ex gf. She left me like a bad habit and at the time I could care less, the way I looked and felt physically, it didn't matter that I was 40 and fucked it up with a hot 25 yr old gf, dime a dozen right? Doh.
So then after week 12, I discovered what it was like to come down from 3600 T back to cruise levels and dropping the 700mg/wk nandrolone abruptly. Holy fuck I learned quickly what true depression felt like. Anxiety through the roof, borderline mania, with deep depression. If I didn't have a PT, I surely would've lost all the gains. Didn't want to crawl out of bed even if I slept for 10+ hours. My trainer saved the gains, we switched from lots of heavy 5x5's to high rep super and trisets with little rest for the hour session. I'd be on my hands and knees, trying to breath and slipping in my own sweat puddles. He'd say, "what are you thinking about?" I'd reply "breathing". He'd say, "Good! You're not thinking about that girl, get up and do it again! Your set let's go!" Lol I'm fortunate that I found a good trainer as noob. Anyway...
So my doctor promptly put me on ativan and seroquel. Fucking seroquel! Check out the sides if you don't know, yikes. Albeit at a "low" 100mg dose but still. In the short term my sleep and mood improved while I started seeing a psychologist. Long story short (uhh too late!) it was the psyche that helped the most mentally. As I type this, I am completely off ativan and only a few days away from being off seroquel. The fat gain and slowing of metabolism side effects of seroquel started to show and I decided to get off all this shit immediately. Plus the psyche taught me some strategies for strength of the mind, turned out my whole life has been a pattern of addiction and I never learned how to cope in sobriety! Given the shitstorm I created right before coming down from extremely high T levels, well obviously that made it worse. Been feeling terrific for a month or so and in a few days will be proud to say I am completely anti depressant and anti anxiety meds free.
My 3 month cruise ended and now I'm 2 weeks into my 2nd bulk cycle, same drugs this time but now I will heed y'alls advice on not taking too much. Hell I should've heeded your advice and cycled up the first time with 500mg test only. The GM of my gym who has kind of become my mentor has stressed from the beginning, juice at the lowest doses possible and maximize training and nutrition. I should've fucking listened, this time I will.
