Well what a day it was today!! I returned back to the Gospel mission downtown for some more holiday volunteer work, and I couldn't believe the energy and enthusiasm of the homeless this year!! It started off with a simple lunch of chicken and dumplings, some hash and rice, and a small slice of cake for dessert. The place was pretty full of people actually, and there were some Xmas movies on a TV in the corner. So everybody is chit chatting and eating their lunch, and in walks Jasper. Jasper is probably in his late 60's and is usually drunk whenever you see him wandering the streets downtown pushing his shopping cart. He has an old black lab dog that sits in the shopping cart and travels with him. He isn't a bad guy, but sometimes when he gets too drunk shit happens.
So he walks in singing Jingle bells with his words slurred and he is falling all over, and I said "Whats up Jasper? Merry Xmas!!" He replies back to me "Well I'm dreaming of a white Xmas and all I see down here are n**gers this year" then he grabs a slice of cake off this black guys plate(his name is Lewis but we call him fruitcake) while saying to him "You aint gonna eat that are ya boy?" Then the party really turns to shit. Fruitcake jumps up out of his seat yelling "what the fuck you say you saltine cracka' fuckface?" Jasper immediately gets in a fighting stance looks like a mix between a Zumba move and a fighting Irish stance.
I yell out "Guys, guys, it's Xmas for Christ sakes, calm down!!!" The two are still squaring off and yelling racial slurs. I tell them to walk outside into the courtyard with me and I'll give them their Xmas gifts.They settle down and follow me outside. Now, I've been wanting to start an underground fight club for quite some time now, and this was my opportunity. I had brought a bunch of gifts down there with me (many that were actual donations from a local church) but I thought that fighting for the gifts would bring good sportsmanship and energy to the party. By this time the other volunteers had left and it was just me. I decided to see how the first fight went and then if all went well I'd call the rest of the group outside and let the matches begin. I knew the fights would be competitive because I had also brought some liquor and cigarettes that would be up for grabs to winners of the different classes.
I told Jasper and Fruitcake that if they wanted to settle it like men, they needed to do it right there in the courtyard, and I pulled out a bottle of Black Velvet Whiskey, "Winner takes it boys" I looked at Jasper and back at Fruitcake; "Are you ready? And are you ready? Lets get it on!!!" Immediately Jasper charged half stumbling with a war cry. He was greeted with a hook shot and knocked down. "Dumbass old cracker" said Fruitcake. I went for a 10 count and Jasper was up in 4, and again they went at it. This time Jasper had put Fruitcake in a choke hold, and started yelling "You still want that slice of cake boy!!" Fruitcake responded with an elbow to the ribs, and then I separated them. "You ready, you ready? Lets fight!!" And back at it they went. This time it was bad, Jasper had grabbed him by the head and was smashing it into the pavement, I felt like something needed to be done, so I stopped the fight. I awarded Jasper the bottle, and then what he did shocked the hell out of me. He walked up to Fruitcake and took out a tissue, and dipped a little whiskey on it and wiped the blood off his face. "Me...Murr...Murry Ch...Chri...stmas friend, have a drink with me." And the 2 shared some sips of whiskey together. Wow I thought, this is great!! So back inside I went to get the others.
"Listen up everyone, there are plenty of gifts that have been donated by the UFC and we are actually filming auditions for the Ultimate fighter, so anyone interested come on out to the courtyard. I grabbed the boombox from the rec center there, and the microphone. Then the action really began, and I knew they'd fight harder for tobacco and alcohol so those were the items I first awarded. "Alright, ho ho ho, what do we have here? A small bottle of Goldschlauger, who is up next?" Immediately this meth head named Jonie jumped up and yelled out "That shit is mine, come on bitch, lets fight!!" as she looked at this local crackhead named Donnie." Donnie said "I aint hittin' no woman, you dumb bitch" Then you gonna lose, says Jonie, as she open hand slaps him in the mouth. This put Donnie right into the game, as he jumped up in anger and grabbed her. She starts spitting and kicking at him, trying to yell "fuck you" as best as she can through her missing teeth, as spit is flying all over. I get on the microphone and decide to pump up the crowd. "Your whole life people have told you your nothing, they've treated you like the dirt under their feet!!. BUT YOUR SOMEBODY!! WHAT YOU HAVE IS THE WILL TO FIGHT, SO FIGHT GOD DAMNIT!!!" Donnie then starts throwing punches faster than lightning. In a one two, one two style, he trashes her. I get in for the 10 count and she is out cold. "Hand him the fucking Goldschlauger friend!! And one of the members hands Donnie his award.
"Ho ho ho, whats next? A box of cookies and a carton of Newports, who is up?" A younger guy named James jumps up to the ring. Then this other obese guy we have named Carl walks over, "Yea I guess I'll fight him." Now I knew Carl would probably run out of breath fast. He is about 5'4", 350 lbs, with a smell of old tobacco and body odor, dressed in a pair of old, And 1 sweatpants and a Starter jacket. "Are you ready? Are you ready? Lets get it on!!!" Then I start the boombox and play that new Avenged Sevenfold song "Hail to the King." The two men really go at it. Carl gave it his all, I mean half his ass was hanging out of his pants as he grappled as best as he could, but he tried his best. But eventually he gave out, he began coughing and wheezing and James just started raining down punches like a hailstorm. "Ahhhh, ahhh, ahhh, wheeze wheeze' cough cough....you mother...... huuuuuuhhh....wheeze, huuuuh, cough cough.....motherfucker!!" yelled Carl." Now Carl wasn't knocked out, but he just couldnt get up, he was down for the 10 count and remained down for the entire next fight as he coughed and hacked. "Damn Carl, shut the fuck up already" I said as the next fight was under way.
But as all good things come to an end, so did this. A SWAT team moved in with riot gear and shields threatening us with tear gas. A helicopter then circled above, shit just got real. I had to get the fuck out of there fast, and I needed a plan. I dumped the black trash bag full of gifts out onto the ground and yelled over the microphone "Go at these fucking pigs with everything you got, and its all yours!! About 40 homeless people charged the police screaming like a scene from Braveheart. Tear gas was dispersed and batons were swung, I quickly ran for the door to the courtyard. I got the hell out quickly, and ran down the street and hid under a bush, trying to catch my breath.
When I got home I turned on the News and the they had all of the homeless in zip ties. As they marched Jasper to the paddy wagon, he looked back at the News camera and said "Everyone dies, but not every man really lives!! I just wanted to say Merry Xmas to everyone, and starting today we have a new fight club called "Man on a mission" and you come down here and get a drink and throw some blows with us, Merry Xmas!! " As he was then muffled by a gloved hand and told to get in the truck.
I think I may start doing more volunteer work, I have found it to be very rewarding.
So he walks in singing Jingle bells with his words slurred and he is falling all over, and I said "Whats up Jasper? Merry Xmas!!" He replies back to me "Well I'm dreaming of a white Xmas and all I see down here are n**gers this year" then he grabs a slice of cake off this black guys plate(his name is Lewis but we call him fruitcake) while saying to him "You aint gonna eat that are ya boy?" Then the party really turns to shit. Fruitcake jumps up out of his seat yelling "what the fuck you say you saltine cracka' fuckface?" Jasper immediately gets in a fighting stance looks like a mix between a Zumba move and a fighting Irish stance.
I yell out "Guys, guys, it's Xmas for Christ sakes, calm down!!!" The two are still squaring off and yelling racial slurs. I tell them to walk outside into the courtyard with me and I'll give them their Xmas gifts.They settle down and follow me outside. Now, I've been wanting to start an underground fight club for quite some time now, and this was my opportunity. I had brought a bunch of gifts down there with me (many that were actual donations from a local church) but I thought that fighting for the gifts would bring good sportsmanship and energy to the party. By this time the other volunteers had left and it was just me. I decided to see how the first fight went and then if all went well I'd call the rest of the group outside and let the matches begin. I knew the fights would be competitive because I had also brought some liquor and cigarettes that would be up for grabs to winners of the different classes.
I told Jasper and Fruitcake that if they wanted to settle it like men, they needed to do it right there in the courtyard, and I pulled out a bottle of Black Velvet Whiskey, "Winner takes it boys" I looked at Jasper and back at Fruitcake; "Are you ready? And are you ready? Lets get it on!!!" Immediately Jasper charged half stumbling with a war cry. He was greeted with a hook shot and knocked down. "Dumbass old cracker" said Fruitcake. I went for a 10 count and Jasper was up in 4, and again they went at it. This time Jasper had put Fruitcake in a choke hold, and started yelling "You still want that slice of cake boy!!" Fruitcake responded with an elbow to the ribs, and then I separated them. "You ready, you ready? Lets fight!!" And back at it they went. This time it was bad, Jasper had grabbed him by the head and was smashing it into the pavement, I felt like something needed to be done, so I stopped the fight. I awarded Jasper the bottle, and then what he did shocked the hell out of me. He walked up to Fruitcake and took out a tissue, and dipped a little whiskey on it and wiped the blood off his face. "Me...Murr...Murry Ch...Chri...stmas friend, have a drink with me." And the 2 shared some sips of whiskey together. Wow I thought, this is great!! So back inside I went to get the others.
"Listen up everyone, there are plenty of gifts that have been donated by the UFC and we are actually filming auditions for the Ultimate fighter, so anyone interested come on out to the courtyard. I grabbed the boombox from the rec center there, and the microphone. Then the action really began, and I knew they'd fight harder for tobacco and alcohol so those were the items I first awarded. "Alright, ho ho ho, what do we have here? A small bottle of Goldschlauger, who is up next?" Immediately this meth head named Jonie jumped up and yelled out "That shit is mine, come on bitch, lets fight!!" as she looked at this local crackhead named Donnie." Donnie said "I aint hittin' no woman, you dumb bitch" Then you gonna lose, says Jonie, as she open hand slaps him in the mouth. This put Donnie right into the game, as he jumped up in anger and grabbed her. She starts spitting and kicking at him, trying to yell "fuck you" as best as she can through her missing teeth, as spit is flying all over. I get on the microphone and decide to pump up the crowd. "Your whole life people have told you your nothing, they've treated you like the dirt under their feet!!. BUT YOUR SOMEBODY!! WHAT YOU HAVE IS THE WILL TO FIGHT, SO FIGHT GOD DAMNIT!!!" Donnie then starts throwing punches faster than lightning. In a one two, one two style, he trashes her. I get in for the 10 count and she is out cold. "Hand him the fucking Goldschlauger friend!! And one of the members hands Donnie his award.
"Ho ho ho, whats next? A box of cookies and a carton of Newports, who is up?" A younger guy named James jumps up to the ring. Then this other obese guy we have named Carl walks over, "Yea I guess I'll fight him." Now I knew Carl would probably run out of breath fast. He is about 5'4", 350 lbs, with a smell of old tobacco and body odor, dressed in a pair of old, And 1 sweatpants and a Starter jacket. "Are you ready? Are you ready? Lets get it on!!!" Then I start the boombox and play that new Avenged Sevenfold song "Hail to the King." The two men really go at it. Carl gave it his all, I mean half his ass was hanging out of his pants as he grappled as best as he could, but he tried his best. But eventually he gave out, he began coughing and wheezing and James just started raining down punches like a hailstorm. "Ahhhh, ahhh, ahhh, wheeze wheeze' cough cough....you mother...... huuuuuuhhh....wheeze, huuuuh, cough cough.....motherfucker!!" yelled Carl." Now Carl wasn't knocked out, but he just couldnt get up, he was down for the 10 count and remained down for the entire next fight as he coughed and hacked. "Damn Carl, shut the fuck up already" I said as the next fight was under way.
But as all good things come to an end, so did this. A SWAT team moved in with riot gear and shields threatening us with tear gas. A helicopter then circled above, shit just got real. I had to get the fuck out of there fast, and I needed a plan. I dumped the black trash bag full of gifts out onto the ground and yelled over the microphone "Go at these fucking pigs with everything you got, and its all yours!! About 40 homeless people charged the police screaming like a scene from Braveheart. Tear gas was dispersed and batons were swung, I quickly ran for the door to the courtyard. I got the hell out quickly, and ran down the street and hid under a bush, trying to catch my breath.
When I got home I turned on the News and the they had all of the homeless in zip ties. As they marched Jasper to the paddy wagon, he looked back at the News camera and said "Everyone dies, but not every man really lives!! I just wanted to say Merry Xmas to everyone, and starting today we have a new fight club called "Man on a mission" and you come down here and get a drink and throw some blows with us, Merry Xmas!! " As he was then muffled by a gloved hand and told to get in the truck.
I think I may start doing more volunteer work, I have found it to be very rewarding.
