Tough Decisions During Early Pregnancy

[fike]

I ask this here because we all come from very diverse ethical, social, and moral backgrounds and this is a very serious topic to me because I'm at a crossroad of faith, morals, intellectualism. and a very blinding reality.

My wife and I continue to have pregnancy complications with losing our babies, and we have an idea about why. The reason for the miscarriages can now be picked up early which leaves us with a very tough decision. Do we ride it out and see if the loss comes naturally or do we voluntarily terminate the pregnancy. We are both very conservative and and don't like the idea of abortion in the slightest unless it's under extremely strict circumstances, but there is some real cognitive dissonance that is fucking with my head a bit. Do I go against my morals for the selfish reason of potentially saving myself and wife a long road if the baby survives, who will also will face a multitude of challenges, or do we terminate the pregnancy if this problem is caught early enough?

We recently lost our 4th baby. This time was at the 12 week mark. We never had one go this far. Two days before she passed we did an ultrasound and the heartbeat was strong, we could see fingers and toes at this point, and she was moving all over the place. Two days later, we knew something wasn't right. We went for another ultrasound and all we could see was the silent, motionless outline of a baby and it was the worst feeling I had ever felt. Same went for my wife. We knew immediately. I shed some tears and cried with my wife, but I wanted to be the strong one for her. It really hurt my soul to see that and see my wife go though what she did. There was a reason God took her, but now we will be screening for this much earlier and the decision will be on us.We have also had genetic studies done on us to help narrow some things down.

Where alll this I'm saying comes into play is that I am continually asking myself who am I to make this decision? A life I love is literally at the whim of a yes or no decision from me of all people. Who am I to make such a decision. It's frightening and overwhelming. I'm not God, but one of God's roles is being put upon me whether I like it or not and it scares the shit out of me and the possibility of not knowing if this child would have lived or died rests upon my shoulders. It's just a lot. I don't even know if I'm asking for questions concerning it, but some feedback, especially if you've experienced anything similar may bring insight or comfort to me. This also gives me an opportunity for some catharsis, I guess, because I haven't discussed this with anyone out of my wife.

I pray the next time is healthy and we don't have to face a decision like this, but it's getting very disheartening. I ask that if anyone answers, please, be sensitive to the matter, for me, no matter where you're at on the abortion isle, because, even though it hasn't happened yet, it's a high chance, and it makes me feel sad, selfish, hypocritical, uncomfortable in my faith, and a myriad of other negative emotions. Noting positive, except potentially saving a child a life of hardship. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read. I just needed to get some of this out there somewhere. Take care.

 

[JamalC]

I pray the next time is healthy and we don't have to face a decision like this, but it's getting very disheartening. I ask that if anyone answers, please, be sensitive to the matter, for me, no matter where you're at on the abortion isle, because, even though it hasn't happened yet, it's a high chance, and it makes me feel sad, selfish, hypocritical, uncomfortable in my faith, and a myriad of other negative emotions. Noting positive, except potentially saving a child a life of hardship. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read. I just needed to get some of this out there somewhere. Take care.

I read your whole post and feel for you and your wife. I hope you guys are staying positive and giving each other the support that is needed.

I made an ex get an abortion before for my own selfish reasons. She got it done, and we broke up probably a year later anyway. I’m not sure how I felt at the time. Maybe my life would be different today if I never got that abortion. But I don’t tend to think about it. I leave it in the past where it belongs.

I saw you mention that if the baby is born they may endure a challenging road ahead of them.

I think at that point I would have to have a sit down with my wife and say we have been trying forever to have kids, we are finally able to have one, but they may have a future of challenges. Are we ready to do that as a team, is that what we want? Is it going to make us stronger and happier because we are able to raise a kid of our own?

I truthfully don’t know myself if that’s something I would want, but if that’s what my wife wanted then I would stick by her side and do my best with raising our child no matter how hard the challenges may be.

Maybe I would think about adoption at one point and discuss with my wife if that would be better for us. Again, I truthfully don’t know if that’s something I would do either since I’m not dealing any of these hard decisions at the time.

I forgot to mention I wouldn’t let any religious/ political moral beliefs get in the way of a decision that will affect my wife and I forever, no matter which political/religious side I was on. I would excuse religious/political decisions over a decision like this.

I wish you and your wife the best with whatever you decide, stay positive and optimistic.

 

[narta]

First of all, my heart goes out to you and your wife. I had the experience once and don't want anyone to go through it.

How old are you and your wife? Any factual medical reasons for the miscarriages?

 

[Fattyone]

I have no advice as I don’t know if I could ever come up with an answer I felt was right if I was in your shoes.

I’m sorry y’all are going through this, I couldn’t imagine.

 

[fike]

I read your whole post and feel for you and your wife. I hope you guys are staying positive and giving each other the support that is needed.

I made an ex get an abortion before for my own selfish reasons. She got it done, and we broke up probably a year later anyway. I’m not sure how I felt at the time. Maybe my life would be different today if I never got that abortion. But I don’t tend to think about it. I leave it in the past where it belongs.

I saw you mention that if the baby is born they may endure a challenging road ahead of them.

I think at that point I would have to have a sit down with my wife and say we have been trying forever to have kids, we are finally able to have one, but they may have a future of challenges. Are we ready to do that as a team, is that what we want? Is it going to make us stronger and happier because we are able to raise a kid of our own?

I truthfully don’t know myself if that’s something I would want, but if that’s what my wife wanted then I would stick by her side and do my best with raising our child no matter how hard the challenges may be.

Maybe I would think about adoption at one point and discuss with my wife if that would be better for us. Again, I truthfully don’t know if that’s something I would do either since I’m not dealing any of these hard decisions at the time.

I forgot to mention I wouldn’t let any religious/ political moral beliefs get in the way of a decision that will affect my wife and I forever, no matter which political/religious side I was on. I would excuse religious/political decisions over a decision like this.

I wish you and your wife the best with whatever you decide, stay positive and optimistic.

Brother, thank you for taking the time out of your day to formulate a sincere response and share something from your past like that.

First off, I 10,000 percent agree that if it as something that would ultimately affect the health of my wife, i would want needs to be done. Regarding my religious beliefs, I feel like God has understanding of that.

We still have time on our side fortunately with having a baby and are under the care of such a great fertility doctor that cares for not only my wife and baby, but me as well.

I really got in my head about it last night and had a hard time getting it out. I ruminated on it for hours and kind of let it get to me just because I haven’t talked about it to anyone. Elizabeth and I really haven’t even talked about it other than just in passing. We started to talk about it last night, but she wasn’t ready, so I didn’t push it. It’s only been a month since we lost the baby this time.

I didn’t mention in my OP that we do have three other children, but they are my not my biological children. My wife came out of an extremely violent relationship and she and the kids were all mentally and physically abused. I am in the process of adopting them now as they consider me their father and I consider them my children, but the yearning to have a child from my own loin is something I thing every man desires at some point in their lives, especially in a marriage. She feels this drive the same as me. We really love each other and that’s like the ultimate way to seal a love.

I will be okay if it never happens, but, as you suggested above, we will adopt if all else fails. I understand this is all anxiety because it hasn’t even happened yet, but just knowing that we have a heightened possibility of this having to happen is scary, man.

I’ll reflect more on what you told me, and let it sit with my other thoughts. I sincerely appreciated your genuine response, man . Thank you. It helps.

 

[fike]

First of all, my heart goes out to you and your wife. I had the experience once and don't want anyone to go through it.

How old are you and your wife? Any factual medical reasons for the miscarriages?

Thank you, brother. I’m almost 36 and my wife is 33. Our first major hurdles are that my wife has polycystic ovary syndrome and has the MHTFR gene (I think that’s correct) that is responsible for her body producing the enzyme that causes reductase of folate to do whatever it’s responsible for in pregnancy, which is extremely important in amniotic sack and fetal development. Her levels were almost nil. That was an easy fix though….substitute with 15 mg of methylfolate. Eventually we will have to get our two daughters tested to see if this will affect them.

We had to get a battery of chromosomal and genetic testing done a couple weeks ago to determine if there are any other determining factors from either one of us. I once again, thank God for our fertility doctor helping us to figure this out and get the best plan together going forward. We should get those results back in the next couple of days of their office opening back up.

 

[fike]

I have no advice as I don’t know if I could ever come up with an answer I felt was right if I was in your shoes.

I’m sorry y’all are going through this, I couldn’t imagine.

Your thoughts, sympathies, and support are enough, brother. I truly appreciate it. Thank you.

 

[lift4lyfe]

I pray the next time is healthy and we don't have to face a decision like this, but it's getting very disheartening. I ask that if anyone answers, please, be sensitive to the matter, for me, no matter where you're at on the abortion isle, because, even though it hasn't happened yet, it's a high chance, and it makes me feel sad, selfish, hypocritical, uncomfortable in my faith, and a myriad of other negative emotions. Noting positive, except potentially saving a child a life of hardship. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read. I just needed to get some of this out there somewhere. Take care.

Whatever decision you make will be the right one because God will be in your heart and make the decision with you. You're not alone in this because He's with you always.

God bless and praying for you and your family. Your children and wife are lucky to have you as it sounds like you saved their life.

 

[Nuvo6]

Whatever decision you make will be the right one because God will be in your heart and make the decision with you. You're not alone in this because He's with you always.

God bless and praying for you and your family. Your children and wife are lucky to have you as it sounds like you saved their life.

Very based post my man. God bless

 

[fike]

Thanks again for all who responded. I wasn't in a very good place the other night when I posted. I had a few other negative things going on a as well and most people on here--long standing members anyway--don't talk shit and troll about serious matters and give solid advice and are respectful in their answers. It can be a good place to get some catharsis. It's also a good place to have @BigTomJ call you a pussy or @Spaceman Spiff try to get you to send him a picture of your penis. Either way, it can be a good place.

 

[Spaceman Spiff]

@Spaceman Spiff try to get you to send him a picture of your penis. Either way, it can be a good place.

Don't do tren, kids

 

[fike]

Don't do tren, kids

At least not intravenously