Depressed 35 year old looking for a way out

[Dingalanga]

Hi!

The title is a bit more dramatic than the truth, but it was absolutely the case a couple of years ago.

I am diagnosed with a pretty severe depression, and it comes and goes, and has done so for most of my adult life. I use medication to combat this, and it does work. I have kids and a lovely, supportive wife, a job, a house and a couple of cars. Life is generally pretty good, but there's always this "darkness" looming over me.

For the longest time I've used food as comfort. And let me tell you, I enjoyed feeling comfortable. So much so that my weight peaked at close to 145KGs just 4 years ago. We were expecting our first kid, and that just threw me out completely. Got burned out, BP through the roof, even got tinnitus as a sort of physical manifestation of how I was doing mentally. Went to therapy, stayed in therapy for a couple of years.

Around two years ago, when we were expecting our second, I was very scared of doing the same thing all over, so I decided to prepare as best I could. I started working out, counting calories, all the good stuff. Lost 45KG by the time the second one entered the world. Things did however start to spiral yet again, luckily this time it felt more like a controlled fall, rather than a plummet, and so I was able to stop it before it went too far. Retatrutide became a massive help for me, and I am currently at 108KG, on my way down to 85-ish, which would be the lowest I've been since I was about 15.

Having lived my entire life as a fatty, I am so sick and tired of never taking my shirt off in public, being scared my t-shirt takes a ride south and expose my bare stomach for all the world to laugh at it. Going to the shop is bad enough. Going to the beach with my children scares me more than I want to admit.

I think I have an OK frame to build a decent physique. 188cm tall, broad chest and shoulders. I respons OK to resistance training, and I am extremely consistent in both progressive overload as well as my diet. It's just.. I feel like I am running out of time, sort of. I am looking for a cheat, something that could help me get a body that I don't need to feel ashamed in. I want to get there now, not in six years.

And so I find myself here. Looking at steroids, side effects, cycles. Trying to navigate something that does not seem to have a definitive answer to...anything.

My goal right now is to get down to 12-13% BF and take a look in the mirror. If I am content, that is fine. If not, I want to go on steroids, assuming all my panels and stuff are good. My original plan was to do ONE cycle, PCT and done. Having read through many threads on here, that plan is pretty much dead. "All gains will go away when you're done with your PCT" - "this is a life long commitment, stay on or dont start".

I used to be convinced I had low test naturally, however after two separate measurements, it turns out I am pretty average. (440-ish).

Anyway, thanks for having me! I am guessing I'll be at my BF goal in about 6 months.

 

[RockyP]

Props for being so candid. That couldn’t have been easy.

2 schools of thought here. The first is to get guys to lose weight first (GLP-1 should be first stop) and then re check sex hormones. Rationale being that in some guys who are overweight with metabolic derangements even HRT levels of test can cause issues with blood pressure, lipids, and hct.

Second school of thought is to treat the low t with modest dosages being mindful of increased risk of aromatization and aim for 1000-1200 range. That should be enough to get you motivated and feeling better. But you’ve gotta be all in. Some guys just want the test and don’t change the lifestyle. Big mistake.

I think your best bet is a GLP-1 like Reta and maybe 100 - 200 mg test weekly either under the supervision of a doctor or checking your own labs regularly. If you choose only one, GLP-1 wins hands down.

Important disclaimer: PEDs / getting in shape / having your dream body won’t fix psychological problems that are ingrained. On the flip side, I have seen more and more clinicians checking test levels on men who present with chief complaint of depression. Most are mid / low range and do well with replacement. But it’s not a panacea.

Good luck.

 

[Dingalanga]

Thank you! I mentioned being on reta in my introduction, but I can understand it being hard to pick out of the wall of text.

I wont be starting any form of steroid before getting to a place where my body (BP, BF%, cholesterol etc) is as ready as it can be.

And I am with you in terms of it not fixing underlaying psychological issues - I do however feel like I have never known myself better than I do right now, and I am just stuck. I truly believe this is the cause.

 

[RockyP]

Sorry I misssed it. I was having a shit and saw your post and wanted to respond.

Thank you! I mentioned being on reta in my introduction, but I can understand it being hard to pick out of the wall of text.

I wont be starting any form of steroid before getting to a place where my body (BP, BF%, cholesterol etc) is as ready as it can be.

 

[Dingalanga]

Absolutely no problem - I hope the shit was excellent!

 

[BALLISTIC]

Hi!

The title is a bit more dramatic than the truth, but it was absolutely the case a couple of years ago.

I am diagnosed with a pretty severe depression, and it comes and goes, and has done so for most of my adult life. I use medication to combat this, and it does work. I have kids and a lovely, supportive wife, a job, a house and a couple of cars. Life is generally pretty good, but there's always this "darkness" looming over me.

For the longest time I've used food as comfort. And let me tell you, I enjoyed feeling comfortable. So much so that my weight peaked at close to 145KGs just 4 years ago. We were expecting our first kid, and that just threw me out completely. Got burned out, BP through the roof, even got tinnitus as a sort of physical manifestation of how I was doing mentally. Went to therapy, stayed in therapy for a couple of years.

Around two years ago, when we were expecting our second, I was very scared of doing the same thing all over, so I decided to prepare as best I could. I started working out, counting calories, all the good stuff. Lost 45KG by the time the second one entered the world. Things did however start to spiral yet again, luckily this time it felt more like a controlled fall, rather than a plummet, and so I was able to stop it before it went too far. Retatrutide became a massive help for me, and I am currently at 108KG, on my way down to 85-ish, which would be the lowest I've been since I was about 15.

Having lived my entire life as a fatty, I am so sick and tired of never taking my shirt off in public, being scared my t-shirt takes a ride south and expose my bare stomach for all the world to laugh at it. Going to the shop is bad enough. Going to the beach with my children scares me more than I want to admit.

I think I have an OK frame to build a decent physique. 188cm tall, broad chest and shoulders. I respons OK to resistance training, and I am extremely consistent in both progressive overload as well as my diet. It's just.. I feel like I am running out of time, sort of. I am looking for a cheat, something that could help me get a body that I don't need to feel ashamed in. I want to get there now, not in six years.

And so I find myself here. Looking at steroids, side effects, cycles. Trying to navigate something that does not seem to have a definitive answer to...anything.

My goal right now is to get down to 12-13% BF and take a look in the mirror. If I am content, that is fine. If not, I want to go on steroids, assuming all my panels and stuff are good. My original plan was to do ONE cycle, PCT and done. Having read through many threads on here, that plan is pretty much dead. "All gains will go away when you're done with your PCT" - "this is a life long commitment, stay on or dont start".

I used to be convinced I had low test naturally, however after two separate measurements, it turns out I am pretty average. (440-ish).

Anyway, thanks for having me! I am guessing I'll be at my BF goal in about 6 months.

Damn dude, wide open, and I commend you for that...

Welcome, and first off, respect for the honesty. That darkness in the background even when life is good line......... A lot more people here recognize that than admit.

You’ve already done something, you faced it head on, lost serious weight, and caught yourself before the second spiral. Also, 45 kg down while juggling kids, work, and mental health? That’s no small feat.

The body image stuff is real, we’ve all got our version. As for “running out of time” I get the feeling, but you’re not out of runway killa... It's time to fly dude....you’re just tired of the route.

Wanting results now just means you’ve already paid along the way. Steroids are confusing because there isn’t a clean answer only tradeoffs. You’re smart to set a BF target first and reassess in the mirror before deciding anything. That alone puts you ahead of most people who jump early.

Also, for what it’s worth, 440 test isn’t broken. That means you’re building from a functional baseline. Stick around, keep asking specific questions when you’re ready, and don’t let impatience lead decisions. This place rewards preparation more than impulse. You'll understand in time.

And hey worst case? In six months you’re leaner, stronger, and still pulling your shirt down out of habit… just with abs underneath. Haha

Best wishes to you. Fight on.

 

[johnjay06]

I agree with above. I’d get your test levels checked for sure. If it’s low get on some trt as soon as you can. Then, I’d add hgh in the mix with the reta. Nothing and I mean nothing I’ve taken in the past recomped my body like hgh and reta did. I unfortunately had to quit reta due to the resting heart rate issue but tirz imo is just as good paired with Hgh. This is just my personal opinion, not telling you what to do. Mental health is a bitch and I’m still self conscious about taking my shirt off although I look better than I ever did.