SwolevaDex
New Member
I love this forum because I can be brutally honest about anything.
Since I began using AAS changes in my physique, some I liked, some not as much (shoutout to calf pumps yeah??) and to my mentality + personality.
I can never go back.
In high school, I was not the popular kid though I had plenty of friends, went to parties and such. But I was introverted, skinny, unsure of myself, angry at my personal situation and generally not confident in myself or my abilities. Why couldn't I be athletic, strong, the popular kid? It seemed others were always handed opportunity where I was handed the short end of the stick. Despite all of this I had success with good looking women here & there, & was always thankful for my "alpha" friends who showed me the path and helped me get a taste of the life that was out there.
This continued when I moved out at 18, did lots of drugs, stole shit, generally became more of an asshole.
One day, riding a speed high, I decided to use my roommate's shitty lifting equipment. Searching the internet I found some easy enough home exercises I could do with limited weights and equipment. I became addicted almost instantly. It became a routine to wake up and work out before work. I saw changes instantly and started wearing wife beaters all the time (lol)
But, still I wasn't confident. hating my personal situation, couldn't get my education (no $ for that). At parties, I would talk to women and in the back of my head I still had that little voice...why is she talking to me..I am not good looking...the other guys here are so much better than I am...what am I even doing here.
Depressed with my shitty prospects in life and limited options I left in pursuit of something better. I found a new career, made improvements, and difficult choices. I was not ready for the difficult choices I was forced to make. Some made me uncomfortable. Some haunted me for months...some to this day. I became even more depressed. How could I have done these things? How will god forgive me. What would my mother ever think if she found out I had to do this? I drank myself to sleep every night for a year.
But, luckily there was another part of me that was addicted to the gym. I still kept going. I had such intense anger and hatred that it fueled me for that hour release every day. The part of the day I still felt alive. But soon, that anger turned to frustration as the toll of work, my personal lifting, and mental stress began to build on my body. Supplements weren't enough. What little self confidence I had began to drain at the realization that even in my twenties I was working my body too hard to recover fast enough. Always sore, always tired, not seeing the progress I used to.
I was strong, but I could be stronger. My physique was good...but it could be perfect.
My father was heavy into AAS use when I was younger. I had a long talk with him about it and what I have always loved about him despite his flaws (drug use, anger, drinking...) was that he was upfront and honest with me about everything. I received no lecture from him, no "dad talk" only sound advice and an advisory of caution. Come about one year ago I pulled the trigger and bought my first cycle along with a good friend of mine.
We pinned together. We lifted together. And of course....we partied together.
Oh did things change. Women couldn't keep themselves dry within a 20 ft radius of me. Every night was an awesome night. I could go clubbing on a Tuesday night and be up at 5 AM the next morning breaking PR's.
WOW. How could I ever live without this? And that idea scared me...the dependence and the thought of going back to "normal"
This continued...I started to not care what people thought of me. Is this the testosterone? Is it a placebo? I don't know but I love it. No longer avoided eye contact with anyone. When I spotted an attractive women across the bar, I didn't flash glimpses from afar. I watched her until she looked at me and flashed a smile. One of the many ways my confidence shot through the roof.
Hours later she was mine. Over and over. Other men began to give me more respect. I thought less about the horrible things I've done and more about my justification for doing them.
All this to say I was terrified to stop, to lose this feeling. But, when the time came I did my last pins and started proper PCT. Everything seemed fine. Had a few emotional days but no depression. In the back of my mind, I wondered when I'd lose my "superman" feeling.
I never did. It was all in my head, the whole time. Morpheus offered me the pill and I took it. There's no going back. The pill doesn't wear off. I still got stronger off cycle. I still pulled pussy like never before. And more importantly I still didn't give a shit what people thought of me, because fuck them that's why. they probably don't even lift
. I came to terms with what I've done. I did not have a choice. I have no need to forgive myself though there are certain moments I relive in my dreams I do not have the fear that comes with them.
I understood the risks that came with AAS use especially in my mid twenties. I took them anyway to maybe feel good for a few months, but I was gifted with something much greater....self confidence that will never fade and mental freedom.
If you read all of that, hats off to you...it was just something I had to get off of my chest. I see so often AAS demonized in the media, in the gym, by anyone without EXPERIENCE. There is knowledge and there is experience...
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go lift. Stay strong Meso...you beautiful angry awkward bastards. And thanks for filling in the blanks in my own knowledge of AAS.
Since I began using AAS changes in my physique, some I liked, some not as much (shoutout to calf pumps yeah??) and to my mentality + personality.
I can never go back.
In high school, I was not the popular kid though I had plenty of friends, went to parties and such. But I was introverted, skinny, unsure of myself, angry at my personal situation and generally not confident in myself or my abilities. Why couldn't I be athletic, strong, the popular kid? It seemed others were always handed opportunity where I was handed the short end of the stick. Despite all of this I had success with good looking women here & there, & was always thankful for my "alpha" friends who showed me the path and helped me get a taste of the life that was out there.
This continued when I moved out at 18, did lots of drugs, stole shit, generally became more of an asshole.
One day, riding a speed high, I decided to use my roommate's shitty lifting equipment. Searching the internet I found some easy enough home exercises I could do with limited weights and equipment. I became addicted almost instantly. It became a routine to wake up and work out before work. I saw changes instantly and started wearing wife beaters all the time (lol)
But, still I wasn't confident. hating my personal situation, couldn't get my education (no $ for that). At parties, I would talk to women and in the back of my head I still had that little voice...why is she talking to me..I am not good looking...the other guys here are so much better than I am...what am I even doing here.
Depressed with my shitty prospects in life and limited options I left in pursuit of something better. I found a new career, made improvements, and difficult choices. I was not ready for the difficult choices I was forced to make. Some made me uncomfortable. Some haunted me for months...some to this day. I became even more depressed. How could I have done these things? How will god forgive me. What would my mother ever think if she found out I had to do this? I drank myself to sleep every night for a year.
But, luckily there was another part of me that was addicted to the gym. I still kept going. I had such intense anger and hatred that it fueled me for that hour release every day. The part of the day I still felt alive. But soon, that anger turned to frustration as the toll of work, my personal lifting, and mental stress began to build on my body. Supplements weren't enough. What little self confidence I had began to drain at the realization that even in my twenties I was working my body too hard to recover fast enough. Always sore, always tired, not seeing the progress I used to.
I was strong, but I could be stronger. My physique was good...but it could be perfect.
My father was heavy into AAS use when I was younger. I had a long talk with him about it and what I have always loved about him despite his flaws (drug use, anger, drinking...) was that he was upfront and honest with me about everything. I received no lecture from him, no "dad talk" only sound advice and an advisory of caution. Come about one year ago I pulled the trigger and bought my first cycle along with a good friend of mine.
We pinned together. We lifted together. And of course....we partied together.
Oh did things change. Women couldn't keep themselves dry within a 20 ft radius of me. Every night was an awesome night. I could go clubbing on a Tuesday night and be up at 5 AM the next morning breaking PR's.
WOW. How could I ever live without this? And that idea scared me...the dependence and the thought of going back to "normal"
This continued...I started to not care what people thought of me. Is this the testosterone? Is it a placebo? I don't know but I love it. No longer avoided eye contact with anyone. When I spotted an attractive women across the bar, I didn't flash glimpses from afar. I watched her until she looked at me and flashed a smile. One of the many ways my confidence shot through the roof.
Hours later she was mine. Over and over. Other men began to give me more respect. I thought less about the horrible things I've done and more about my justification for doing them.
All this to say I was terrified to stop, to lose this feeling. But, when the time came I did my last pins and started proper PCT. Everything seemed fine. Had a few emotional days but no depression. In the back of my mind, I wondered when I'd lose my "superman" feeling.
I never did. It was all in my head, the whole time. Morpheus offered me the pill and I took it. There's no going back. The pill doesn't wear off. I still got stronger off cycle. I still pulled pussy like never before. And more importantly I still didn't give a shit what people thought of me, because fuck them that's why. they probably don't even lift
. I came to terms with what I've done. I did not have a choice. I have no need to forgive myself though there are certain moments I relive in my dreams I do not have the fear that comes with them.I understood the risks that came with AAS use especially in my mid twenties. I took them anyway to maybe feel good for a few months, but I was gifted with something much greater....self confidence that will never fade and mental freedom.
If you read all of that, hats off to you...it was just something I had to get off of my chest. I see so often AAS demonized in the media, in the gym, by anyone without EXPERIENCE. There is knowledge and there is experience...
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go lift. Stay strong Meso...you beautiful angry awkward bastards. And thanks for filling in the blanks in my own knowledge of AAS.
