FTW
New Member
Why are women like guns?
Keep one around long enough and you're gona want to shoot it.
Keep one around long enough and you're gona want to shoot it.
MESO-Rx
Anabolic Steroids
Jokes
- Thread starter fatboy
- Start date
FTW
New Member
What do they do with broken down cars in Kentucky?
Build a house next to them.
Build a house next to them.
FTW
New Member
Whats the Differemce between tampons and cowboy hats?
Cowboy hats are for assholes.
Cowboy hats are for assholes.
FTW
New Member
Two men were walking through the woods and see a bear a few feet away from them. The first man bent down and retied his shoelaces. "Are you crazy?" the second one whispered. "Do you realy think you can outrun him?"
"I dont have to outrun him," the man said "i just have to outrun you."
"I dont have to outrun him," the man said "i just have to outrun you."
dolfe1
Banned
Heaven or Hell
One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time."No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time."No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
maxx
New Member
how can you tell when a west va. girl is on the rag??
she is only wearing one sock
maxx
she is only wearing one sock
maxx
Kelly Slater
New Member
what do you say to a woman with no tits?......nothing
Why did the feminist cross the road?....to suck my FUCKING dick
Whats better than winning gold at the special olympics?.....Walking
why did helen keller fire her maid?......she left the plunger in the toilett
whats the opposite of Christopher Reeves?......Christopher Walken
Whats black and comes in little cans?......Michael Jackson
OH, Im going to hell for a few of those, but i hear its a dry heat
Peace...kelly
Why did the feminist cross the road?....to suck my FUCKING dick
Whats better than winning gold at the special olympics?.....Walking
why did helen keller fire her maid?......she left the plunger in the toilett
whats the opposite of Christopher Reeves?......Christopher Walken
Whats black and comes in little cans?......Michael Jackson
OH, Im going to hell for a few of those, but i hear its a dry heat
Peace...kelly
Slick Arrado
New Member
Kelly Slater said:
I heard the Special Olympics one, but it was a little different.
What's better than winning gold at the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded.
Kelly, I sure hope it's a dry heat. I can't stand humidity.
Chip Bronson
New Member
welfare recipient scum...
a guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says,
"hi . . . you know, i just HATE drawing welfare - i'd really rather have a job".
the social worker behind the counter says, "your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. you'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
because of the long hours, meals will be provided. you'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. you'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. the starting salary is $200,000 a year".
the guy says, "you're bullshitting me!"
the social worker says, "yeah, well, you started it."
a guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says,
"hi . . . you know, i just HATE drawing welfare - i'd really rather have a job".
the social worker behind the counter says, "your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. you'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
because of the long hours, meals will be provided. you'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. you'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. the starting salary is $200,000 a year".
the guy says, "you're bullshitting me!"
the social worker says, "yeah, well, you started it."
dolfe1
Banned
Chip Bronson said:a guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says,
"hi . . . you know, i just HATE drawing welfare - i'd really rather have a job".
the social worker behind the counter says, "your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. you'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
because of the long hours, meals will be provided. you'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. you'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. the starting salary is $200,000 a year".
the guy says, "you're bullshitting me!"
the social worker says, "yeah, well, you started it."
Ha ha.
thick
New Member
that was good chippy. pretty true also
Chip Bronson
New Member
funny yes, but too damn true... 
that's why my taxes are through the fucking roof...
that's why my taxes are through the fucking roof...
thick
New Member
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty
badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body,
so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the
sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better
roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope,
ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took
a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll
him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No,
it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes.
Every time we went to town, folks would say,
"Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."
Have A Super Day
badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body,
so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the
sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better
roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope,
ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took
a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll
him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No,
it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes.
Every time we went to town, folks would say,
"Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."
Have A Super Day
thick
New Member
>1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
>(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.
>
>2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
>(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you
>
>3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
>(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.
>
>4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
>(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.
>
>5. Someday I hope to marry...
>(Inside card) - Someone other than you.
>
>6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
>(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!
>
>7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me..
>(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.
>
>8. We've been friends for a very long time...
>(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?
>
>9. I'm so miserable without you...
>(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.
>
>10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
>(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?
>
>11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was onlyone life jacket...
>(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
>
>12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday...
>(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.
>
>13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
>(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia)
>
>14.Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
>(Inside card) - What was I thinking?
>
>15. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
>(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband
>
>
>(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.
>
>2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
>(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you
>
>3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
>(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.
>
>4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
>(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.
>
>5. Someday I hope to marry...
>(Inside card) - Someone other than you.
>
>6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
>(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!
>
>7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me..
>(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.
>
>8. We've been friends for a very long time...
>(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?
>
>9. I'm so miserable without you...
>(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.
>
>10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
>(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?
>
>11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was onlyone life jacket...
>(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
>
>12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday...
>(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.
>
>13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
>(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia)
>
>14.Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
>(Inside card) - What was I thinking?
>
>15. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
>(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband
>
>
jefft77
New Member
How to tell if you're gay:
1. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaayming fag. A cat is like a dog, but Gay: it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog..."Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.
2. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby-pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks bar-b-q ribs, crab-claws, raw oysters, craw-fish guts, pickled pigs feet, or titties. Anything else and you are in training to suck El-Dicko and undeniably a fag.
3. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you're in a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
4. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop-chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black (or with thick, wholesome milk) and full-aroma. A pussy-eating man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a dick there too.
5. If you know more than six names of colours or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NHL, NFL, NBA, college ball, PGA, and Nascar. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fresier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious!
6. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it...you hungry for meat-popsicle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the motherfucker off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat his hamburger, hold his beer, or, if he's Latino, talk on his cell-phone.
7. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous sonnez le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out too quickly.
1. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaayming fag. A cat is like a dog, but Gay: it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog..."Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.
2. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby-pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks bar-b-q ribs, crab-claws, raw oysters, craw-fish guts, pickled pigs feet, or titties. Anything else and you are in training to suck El-Dicko and undeniably a fag.
3. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you're in a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
4. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop-chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black (or with thick, wholesome milk) and full-aroma. A pussy-eating man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a dick there too.
5. If you know more than six names of colours or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NHL, NFL, NBA, college ball, PGA, and Nascar. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fresier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious!
6. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it...you hungry for meat-popsicle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the motherfucker off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat his hamburger, hold his beer, or, if he's Latino, talk on his cell-phone.
7. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous sonnez le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out too quickly.
Wow Jeff, Sounds like you have a severe case of homophobia...Perhaps you have some problems with yourself. Jesus, I like "non-pc" jokes as much as the next guy, but you apparently seem very focused on gays...hmmm. Where you from? fucking Mississippi or some closed-minded state? Christ, grow the fuck up. And before you reply with some juvenile shit about how im gay, no, i am not, but i have some friends who are and many of them are cooler than my straight guy friends. I could give a shit what their sexual preference is. Hmmm, I guess you'll be voting for Bush, huh? Yeah, seperation of church and state my ass. Grow up dude.
jefft77
New Member
BigMike86 said:
Hey Mike,
Did you notice that it's a "Joke" Thread?
1. Did you see me saying anything about disliking gay people?
2. Does the joke at all say that gay people should be punished or hurt? It's a joke and in no way did I mean to offend anyone.
3. I don't think you are gay and I don't plan on bashing you. You obviously took it completely the wrong way and you are way too sensitive or trying to just start some stupid flame.
4. Did you read any other jokes? Do you think that the one about someone without arms and legs is meant to bash amputees? Do you think the one about retards was meant to hurt retarded people?
We read these for a laugh and none are posted with bad intentions. Get a sense of humour. Can you read location under my Avatar? Does it say I am even living in the USA? Relax and quit trying to take it the wrong way. Looks like you're the one that needs to grow up. I'm sure you have something better to than try to start a flame? Get lost you loser.
Chip Bronson
New Member
BigMike86 said:
what's wrong with mississippi mikey-pooh?... there are fags and lesbians galore down there as well...
and just to clarify, little man, there is a big difference between a homophobe and someone who doesn't 'like' fags... and then, of course, you have the faggot-lovers such as yourself. settle down now boy!!!
thick
New Member
No shit. It is a joke thread. Even if it wasnt fuck all the fags and fag lovers. Pile em up in one homo state and let em kill themselves off.
Chip Bronson said:what's wrong with mississippi mikey-pooh?... there are fags and lesbians galore down there as well...
