dolfe1
Banned
Out with todays jokes.
MESO-Rx
Anabolic Steroids
ok esco
- Thread starter dolfe1
- Start date
esco
New Member
dolfe1 said:
me?! hey you always star the day off.
gimme a little bit and lemme see what i can come up with ... btw-how is it going today? no cat pee, i hope?
esco
New Member
how bout this ....
Crazy people talk
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
Crazy people talk
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
dolfe1
Banned
Haha, crazy people, try this one.
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar.
He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one.
"I sure do," he replied while he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster lighter?"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?"
"Yes, right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie.
The friend asks the genie, "Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will'" the genie replies.
The friend asks the genie for a million bucks.
The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there, waiting for his million bucks.
Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
He answers,"I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing.
Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar.
He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one.
"I sure do," he replied while he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster lighter?"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?"
"Yes, right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie.
The friend asks the genie, "Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will'" the genie replies.
The friend asks the genie for a million bucks.
The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there, waiting for his million bucks.
Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
He answers,"I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing.
Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"
esco
New Member
lol! that was funny dolfe ... i don't think i ever heard that one before!
dolfe1 said:
dolfe1
Banned
A little boy came down to breakfast
Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores..
. "Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a
chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the
pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my
cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you
don't get any eggs.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon,
either.
I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this
morning."
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat
as he's walking into the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with
a smile, and says,
"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores..
. "Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a
chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the
pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my
cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you
don't get any eggs.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon,
either.
I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this
morning."
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat
as he's walking into the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with
a smile, and says,
"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
esco
New Member
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.
Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"
The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."
The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."
Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"
The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."
The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."
dolfe1
Banned
lol maybe forth should have gone first.
Sean had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night.
Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight,Sean".
Sean replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Sean spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
"Shite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the doorframe. He sticks
his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better
and takes a step out onto the sidewalk.
He falls flat on his face. "I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and
shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No focking way".
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the
bed."
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Mary, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, "Get up Sean. Did you have a bit too much to drink last
night?
Sean says, "I did Mary. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."
Sean had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night.
Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight,Sean".
Sean replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Sean spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
"Shite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the doorframe. He sticks
his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better
and takes a step out onto the sidewalk.
He falls flat on his face. "I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and
shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No focking way".
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the
bed."
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Mary, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, "Get up Sean. Did you have a bit too much to drink last
night?
Sean says, "I did Mary. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."
esco
New Member
lmfao! dolfe you got jokes bro! 
A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"
"I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."
A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"
"I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."
dolfe1 said:
Last edited:
dolfe1
Banned
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings.
After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in
the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he
owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time
with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.
shower when the doorbell rings.
After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in
the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he
owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time
with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.
esco
New Member
dolfe you're on fire today, huh!
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage & after.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage & after.
dolfe1
Banned
lol Those are good one's, I especialy like the arguing one. I'll remember that.
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he
stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and said, "Father,remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand.
However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized.
"Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and
went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and
looked up psalm 129.
It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he
stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and said, "Father,remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand.
However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized.
"Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and
went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and
looked up psalm 129.
It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!
Chip Bronson
New Member
funny shit bros.... lol... i'll bet that nun pussy is grip-tight. and i envision their pubes trimmed into the shape of the cross.... 
dolfe1
Banned
Lmao, a cross, wow, what an imagination you have chipper.
Usually the staff of the company play football.
The middle level managers are more interested in tennis.
The top management usually has a preference for golf.
MORAL OF THE STORY: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.
Usually the staff of the company play football.
The middle level managers are more interested in tennis.
The top management usually has a preference for golf.
MORAL OF THE STORY: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.
Chip Bronson
New Member
yep being at the bottom of the ladder (not to mention using hcg...) ensures that my balls remain voluminous... 
dolfe1
Banned
lmao I am happy your balls are voluminous chip.
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of
you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof!
She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.
"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."
Poof!
He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of story:
Always let your boss have the first say!
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of
you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof!
She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.
"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."
Poof!
He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of story:
Always let your boss have the first say!
thick
New Member
lmao, that was good. Esco had a good one earlier also. The others i will just say were a lil stale lol[When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he
owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time
with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.[/QUOTE]
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he
owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time
with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.[/QUOTE]
thick
New Member
Right on esco. This whole joke is all truth
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage & after.[/QUOTE]
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage & after.[/QUOTE]
thick
New Member
lol, another good one. What'd u do, join a joke club just for us lol
those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of story:
Always let your boss have the first say![/QUOTE]
those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of story:
Always let your boss have the first say![/QUOTE]
