I guess anxiety. Overthinking looking out my windows. Thinking the police are after me or investigating me. All things I know better than to believe and yet when I see a cop drive by it feels intentional. I get paranoid and pissed off. Like I think people are watching me. Over thinking at night when I lay down letting shit from 20 years ago keep me from sleeping. Thinking my partners cheating on me or was in the past. I can think my way out of it and overcome it. Just a miserable feeling to have. I'm use to the feel good confidence not giving a fuck the test cyp gives me lol. Hopefully it'll go away when it balances out and my body gets use to it. Definitely feeling stronger and joint pain I've had for as long as I can remember is gone.
I would just drop the deca honestly.
A little bit of extra gains, or joint fluid and collagen synthesis isn't worth the plethora of sides you seem to be describing. I'm guessing some of these existed (to a lesser extent) before you started the deca, and that the deca probably exacerbated the problem. Again, drop the deca, maybe up the test, or add some masteron if you want to get back to a feel-good cycle and hopefully mindset. I think having a good mindset is more important than any compound, muscle, or strength gain, and I think you can achieve this with just testosterone even.
Do you take caffeine or stimulants? Any anti anxiety stuff? I know its a personal question but if youre already taking stuff that impacts seratonin, dopamine or gaba, then you have deca impacting the same chemicals, it could be compounding the problem in the wrong direction. If so maybe drop the caffeine for now, And maybe add a beta blocker to calm down the heart rate, adrenaline response, and physical symptoms of anxiety. Would also be beneficial for sleeping. I definitely wouldn't reccomend anything addicting, but I think you need something to calm you down. A beta blocker would help a lot with this
Sometime the best solution isn't to try to think yourself out of the problem (seems counter intuitive i know), when overthinking is causing the problem to begin with. I'd work on trying to shut down the overthinking, rather than fueling it and trying to beat it. This will take months if not years of mindful practice. It's not easy, and it wont be instant, but it sounds like overthinking is doing more harm than it is being productive for you. Easier said than done though, but start trying to catch yourself in these overthinking modes and gradually decrease it, until you can eventually turn it off (or significantly reduce it).
Blooodwork would be good to see where your estrogen and prolactin are at. Maybe they're out of range which could be fueling this feeling?
Just throwing some ideas out there. I hope you find some peace, but I'd start by making a few small changes. I wouldn't try to power through the deca feeling if that's what you're experiencing. That doesn't seem healthy
