GAlax17
New Member
Greetings.
So for starters, a little about me.
I’ve always loved lifting. Ever since I touched weights my freshman year of high school I was hooked. I lived for it. While some guys on sports teams used it to improve their performance on the field, I used sports to measure my performance in the weight room. I was addicted to lifting weights from 14 years old. Unfortunately I fell in with the wrong crowd later in high school. What once was a fun loving, outgoing kid who partied on weekends turned into a substance abusing prick. Casual drinking became binge drinking (not the good kind) I started doing blow and pain pills regularly.
I thought everyone was doing this.
I made it into a prestigious university in the south. But like my passion for weight lifting I began to explore a passion with drugs. Skip ahead a few months I ended up medical withdrawing from the school after one semester because I was unable to maintain the lifestyle I was living. I was drinking very heavily and taking oxycodone on a daily basis. At this time the one thing that gave me happiness (lifting) was completely out of my life. My long time girlfriend from high school died of cancer leaving me a huge cache of more drugs that slowly led to a breakdown. I ended up in the hospital after I overdosed on a handful of dilaudid I stole from her house after the funeral.
At this point I reached out to my parents to seek treatment. I attended an inpatient program for drug and alcohol addiction at a very young age. I was finally getting help I needed very desperately. I spent 3-4 days out of the week in the gym as we did not have much else to do other then watch tv, hang out with each other, read and sleek. It was like a plush jail cell. The kind you hear about the super wealthy do federal time in. Anyways 3 months passed by and I completed the program. I had my life back finally after years of going through the motion I was back to me. I gained a ton of weight from this experience (muscle and fat). I got back in to the gym and I can honestly say without my motivation to lift more weight and gain more muscle I would not have been able to stay sober. I actually got my one year chip 365 days after my first NA (narcotics anonymous) meeting. The weights were my saving grace along with the help from my family and friends. I met a new girl, got a decent job, and have been living life ever since. To this day I still have refrained from drinking, pills, powder, any narcotic substance (prescribed or not) I have completely left out of my life. I cannot be more thankful.
With that being said, I recently started a steroid cycle. Testosterone E 250mg/ml 2x a week. Anadrol 50 5x a week on training days. With so much time in sobriety under my belt it is natural for me to not even think about the right and wrong thing to do. I know I can’t drink, I have a problem with drinking. I know I can’t use painkillers, even when I had surgery I refrained from taking any sort of narcotic pain relief bc I know I can’t take it like a responsible adult. So anyways I started taking these injections and tonight I came to a brutal and honest conclusion: This is a relapse. To me a relapse is consuming any sort of substance for the purpose of mood altering. That’s what steroids are used for recreationally anyways, is to make you feel better about yourself. It was absolutely devastating realizing I threw away years worth of clean time but I will live. It doesn’t mean I’m going back to using drugs or alcohol, it was just a major disappointment that I got complacent with my recovery and confidence in my decision making.
I’m not asking for anything other then some support. If you have some words of encouragement or some advice with handing this situation they are appreciated, however if you are going to post something negative don’t waste your time. I don’t need some internet douche telling me I’m a failure or whatever. The truth hurts but I felt like I needed to tell anyone and I don’t know anyone on this forum IRL so I came here to get it out. I hope this is in the right sub forum. If anyone else is in recovery just know you aren’t alone, and if you need someone to speak to on this matter I am here.
Thanks again everyone.
So for starters, a little about me.
I’ve always loved lifting. Ever since I touched weights my freshman year of high school I was hooked. I lived for it. While some guys on sports teams used it to improve their performance on the field, I used sports to measure my performance in the weight room. I was addicted to lifting weights from 14 years old. Unfortunately I fell in with the wrong crowd later in high school. What once was a fun loving, outgoing kid who partied on weekends turned into a substance abusing prick. Casual drinking became binge drinking (not the good kind) I started doing blow and pain pills regularly.
I thought everyone was doing this.
I made it into a prestigious university in the south. But like my passion for weight lifting I began to explore a passion with drugs. Skip ahead a few months I ended up medical withdrawing from the school after one semester because I was unable to maintain the lifestyle I was living. I was drinking very heavily and taking oxycodone on a daily basis. At this time the one thing that gave me happiness (lifting) was completely out of my life. My long time girlfriend from high school died of cancer leaving me a huge cache of more drugs that slowly led to a breakdown. I ended up in the hospital after I overdosed on a handful of dilaudid I stole from her house after the funeral.
At this point I reached out to my parents to seek treatment. I attended an inpatient program for drug and alcohol addiction at a very young age. I was finally getting help I needed very desperately. I spent 3-4 days out of the week in the gym as we did not have much else to do other then watch tv, hang out with each other, read and sleek. It was like a plush jail cell. The kind you hear about the super wealthy do federal time in. Anyways 3 months passed by and I completed the program. I had my life back finally after years of going through the motion I was back to me. I gained a ton of weight from this experience (muscle and fat). I got back in to the gym and I can honestly say without my motivation to lift more weight and gain more muscle I would not have been able to stay sober. I actually got my one year chip 365 days after my first NA (narcotics anonymous) meeting. The weights were my saving grace along with the help from my family and friends. I met a new girl, got a decent job, and have been living life ever since. To this day I still have refrained from drinking, pills, powder, any narcotic substance (prescribed or not) I have completely left out of my life. I cannot be more thankful.
With that being said, I recently started a steroid cycle. Testosterone E 250mg/ml 2x a week. Anadrol 50 5x a week on training days. With so much time in sobriety under my belt it is natural for me to not even think about the right and wrong thing to do. I know I can’t drink, I have a problem with drinking. I know I can’t use painkillers, even when I had surgery I refrained from taking any sort of narcotic pain relief bc I know I can’t take it like a responsible adult. So anyways I started taking these injections and tonight I came to a brutal and honest conclusion: This is a relapse. To me a relapse is consuming any sort of substance for the purpose of mood altering. That’s what steroids are used for recreationally anyways, is to make you feel better about yourself. It was absolutely devastating realizing I threw away years worth of clean time but I will live. It doesn’t mean I’m going back to using drugs or alcohol, it was just a major disappointment that I got complacent with my recovery and confidence in my decision making.
I’m not asking for anything other then some support. If you have some words of encouragement or some advice with handing this situation they are appreciated, however if you are going to post something negative don’t waste your time. I don’t need some internet douche telling me I’m a failure or whatever. The truth hurts but I felt like I needed to tell anyone and I don’t know anyone on this forum IRL so I came here to get it out. I hope this is in the right sub forum. If anyone else is in recovery just know you aren’t alone, and if you need someone to speak to on this matter I am here.
Thanks again everyone.
