TNH peep this

[occam]

What is it with women these days? I'm seriously at the end of my rope. I mean, you treat a woman to dinner at a fancy restaurant three towns over, and by the end of the night, she's either telling you you're the greatest thing ever or she's dumping a bouquet of flowers over your head. And as for which response you get, well, that's anybody's guess. So tell me, are all women nuts, or just the ones I cheat on my wife with?

Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm just magically attracted to headcases. Then again, how can that be when I cheat on my wife with women of all stripes? I meet them everywhere: work, the gym, coffee shops, bookstores, parties, movies, museums, restaurants, my son's daycare, and so on. Yet whether they're rich or poor, young or very young, the pattern is always the same: After we have illicit, adulterous sex a few times, they start going batshit on me.

Case in point. A few months ago, I was shopping at Circuit City for a new Palm Pilot, and I met this great-looking woman: real stylish, late 20s, great body, the works. She was an executive for a record company, so I figured she must have her shit together, right? Wrong. We go out a few times, and then she starts grilling me: "Why don't you ever take me to your house?" "Whose picture is that in your wallet?" "What do you mean you're married?" We get into a screaming match, she tells me to get the hell out of her apartment, and then she won't return my calls. I don't get it. We were two consenting adults having a great time together, then she suddenly had to go and turn into a raving lunatic!

I've been with enough women on the side to know that no matter how good the sex is, they're eventually gonna go loon-tunes. Sometimes, that takes the form of them hitting me. Other times, it's them screaming about how the relationship can't go anywhere. How wacko is that? We've only been together a few weeks (plus, I'm married), and they're looking for a commitment! Break out the straitjacket, we're going to the funny farm!

It's not like I'm dishonest with these ladies about my free-wheeling lifestyle. I usually tell them right upfront the fifth night we spend at the motel off Hwy. 18. And I'm good to them, too. I'll buy them candies and magazines, and shower them with compliments. Still, no matter how sweetly I say, "You are so much sexier than my wife," they just flip out.

Do they even realize the effort I put into these relationships? When you've got a wife and kids and job, squeezing in an hour for a mistress involves some heavy-duty schedule shuffling, but do I get points for that? Nope, just an earful of cuss words from a crazed harpy. Geez!

I'm not going to give up on other women just yet, but is it too much to ask for one that isn't completely bananas? Out of the billions of women on this planet, at least one of them has to be sane, right? There must be a woman I can casually sleep around with who won't go postal just because taking my son to hockey practice made me late for a secret rendezvous.

I know I sound totally jaded, but I'm really not. The truth is, even through all of my relationship troubles, I'm still a hopeless romantic. At the moment, I can't stop thinking about a cute little number I met at the mall last Saturday. She's gorgeous, but she really seems quiet and laid backthe kind of gal who won't lose her shit. But no matter how well things go with her, I'll remain on my guard. You know what they say: It's the quiet ones who always go the craziest when you're fucking them behind your wife's back.



By John Rebach

 

[occam]

Women can be......

I sure hope my baby don't come out all fucked-up and shit. 'Cause I know I'm gonna be a good mother, and I'm totally ready, no matter what anybody say, but I don't think I could deal with that. I mean, like, if something was wrong with it, that would suck so fuckin' bad.

I'm a little worried because of some stuff Erin told me. She was saying how, like, if you party a lot, it can make the baby's face all fucked-up. Like, if you drink too much, it could have these weird eyes that look kinda Chinese. That's what she said.

It ain't like I was surprised. I know how you gotta watch what you do when you're having a baby. Like, you gotta make sure to eat, and you gotta not be running around and smoking three packs a day. I ain't stupid. Now that I'm expecting on having a baby, I've cut down to just one pack, and I ain't drinking except for weekends and paydays.

So, like, I'm being all healthy and shit now. But the problem is, I didn't even know I was pregnant until this month. Back when I must of got pregnant, I wasn't keeping track of things too good. It must have happened around when I got fired from Burger Kingall because that bitch manager Denise searched my lockerand I was training at the Stop-N-Go. But then I missed nine days of work in a row, so I was like, fuck it, and I quit. I wasn't seeing Gary or D'Shawn anymore because I was getting all serious with Troy from The Gift Box factory. (I was a seasonal there before I started at the Golden Corral two weeks ago, which is around when I moved back into my mom's apartment, 'cause her old boyfriend Don took a trucking job, and she didn't like living all alone over in that neighborhood because it ain't too safe.) So, anyway, like I said, I wasn't keeping track of things too good.

It's kind of funny that I'm pregnant, 'cause when I was working on the assembly line at The Gift Box, I kept having to put these little ceramic-statue things in with the cheese and sausage and the other shit that went out in the orders we packed up. The statues were of little baby angels and kids in pajamas who were praying and doing other cute shit. As I was packing up the little statues, I remember thinking how nice it would be to have a baby to keep me company.

Well, shit, as it turned out, the whole time I was packing those kid statues into the boxes, thinking about how I'd love to have a little girl like the one on the "I'm Yours" statue that's holding out the flowers, I was already pregnant. Isn't that fucking crazy?

Now, don't think I was trying to get knocked up or nothing. 'Cause I wasn't. But my best friend Tina had her first one when she was 15, and here I am 18 already, so it's not bad that I didn't get pregnant by accident until now. My mom always told me I should wait until I was living with someone, but I ain't going for that corny-ass, old-fashioned shit.

But here's why I'm buggin' a little on the whole thing: Like I said, that's when I was with Troy, and him and me, we were doing a lot of drinking around then, 'cause that's when we was first getting to know each other. We did a lot of other shit, too, which I won't go into detail about because even though I'm not with Troy anymore, we're still friends, and I ain't about to get him in trouble his P.O.

That's why I've been thinking about how I hope the baby's all right. I ain't worried that it's dead, because if it wasn't still alive, I know it would come out, because that's what happened to Tina once. I'm not even talking about that. I'm talking about, like, its brain and everything. A lot of people don't know this, but a baby has a brain even before it's born, and it's the same brain it has when it grows up, so if something happens, the kid can come out like a retard.

You might think that ain't a big deal, but it is, 'cause I want my baby to have a better life. My child is gonna get a education. She's gonna get a good job and make lots of money, and we're gonna go on vacations to the Bahamas together. She'll have so much cash, I'll be able to retire early and never have to work another shitty-ass job.

That's why I hope she comes out okay. I want her to have a good life and everything, and that's hard if you're funny-looking and talk weird and drool all the time, 'cause then no one wants to talk to you. And then you'll get depression and not even care about hanging out or partying or nothing.

So I been really thinking lately, because even though I ain't seen no doctor yet, I know for sure I'm pregnant. It sure ain't fat on my stomach, 'cause I've been on a diet since July. But I still gotta go in to the hospital and have them tell me if it's a boy or a girl. I'll do that just as soon as I tell my mom, even though I'm pretty sure she knows and just ain't been saying nothing. And when I see a doctor, I'll ask him about if he thinks the baby will come out okay.

Until then, I guess there ain't nothing else I can do.

By Amber Richardson

 

[occam]

Relationships can be.....

Allison, this is very difficult to say, because I care so deeply about you. The moments we've shared together have been some of the happiest of my life. But I've given it a lot of thought lately, and I think we should fuck other people.

Now, please don't misunderstand: These past seven months with you have been incredible. Before I met you, I never dreamed I was capable of fucking somebody so much. For years, the only person I truly fucked was myself. But meeting you, it just totally opened up my legs. And I know I opened up yours, too.

But it just wouldn't be fair to either of us if we didn't find out who else is out there that we're capable of fucking. As much as it hurts to say, to commit myself to fucking any one person at this stage in my life would be to sell myself short. I want to see who else is out there to fuck. And you should, too. After all, we both have so much head to give.

Remember, we're both young. If, after some time away from each other, we feel certain that we want to spend the rest of our sex lives together, we can. For now, though, I think the smart thing to do is to fuck other people. We both need to learn about ourselves, to find out what types of people we enjoy making time with.

I'm sure this is painful for you. You probably feel as though you'll never fuck again. But Allison, you're a lot stronger than you realize. You'll fuck again, I promise. I can't say when or where or whom, but one day, when you least expect it, when it's the last thing on your mind, you'll meet someone and be fucked right off your feet. I believe magic is in store for you. You will fuck again, and you'll fuck hard.

I wish I could, but I just can't close myself off to new people and experiences. It's a big world out there, full of lots of incredible breasts. And I want to come across lots of them before I settle down with any one set. I want to expand my horizons. Only by leaving my zone of safety can I discover all the different types of people I enjoy fucking.

Please don't think that I'm dumping you. I'll always be there for you. As I move forward with my life, I'll always feel you close to me, no matter who else I fuck. Sharing my semen with you was one of the most wonderful experiences in my life. Every day, I thank my lucky stars to have had you. Especially over the kitchen sink in your parents' house. And in the tool shed. Definitely the tool shed.

No, regardless of what the future brings, I will never forget all the fucks we shared. Special, special fucks. There were times when it felt like our genitals were one. Like we had merged into a single being, body and face. And that's the sort of true fuck, Allison, that nothing can ever erase.

It was great fucking, and it was fucking great.




By Sean Anderson