mdoc
New Member
Subject: When I'm Surgeon General...
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is
this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's
it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying
you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live
longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio
is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a
regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
Pain...Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft
around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ... Cocoa beans ... another
vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may
have had about food and diets. Now go have a biscuit ... flour comes from wheat, which is a veggie! Beer...GRAIN!!!
And finally - if swimming is good for your figure, explain
whales to me?
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is
this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's
it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying
you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live
longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio
is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a
regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
Pain...Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft
around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ... Cocoa beans ... another
vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may
have had about food and diets. Now go have a biscuit ... flour comes from wheat, which is a veggie! Beer...GRAIN!!!
And finally - if swimming is good for your figure, explain
whales to me?
I hated that damn dream!! 
