As I said I spend most of my day here just reading and I get curious.
My brother and I are polar opposites. He's apathetic towards life. He presents as ungroomed, lackadaisical, nonchalant, unresponsive and seemingly always tired, anxious and stressed. He was raised by our mother.
Our father raised me, and as a military man was strict, disciplined and regimented. It was not often, but it happened where at 430am on a school day I was roused out of bed to go fencing, milk cows, dig trenches or hold a light in an engine bay.
When my brother came to live with me when I was about 20, he asked me if I was high all day. I was totally perplexed. "You never stop moving, like someone that's been using coke"
I have a permanent nervous energy that I have not tried to crush, but simply direct like a river into a dam. I set myself up for success when I can. For instance, my job requires me to be on the phone for several hours a day, so the tasks that require almost no thought are arranged before me, when the phone rings, an ear bud goes in and I'm sweeping the floor, arranging parts and materials, orangizing tax shit ect.
This structure follows me home, the reason? Because if I sit, if I'm inert, I slow down. If tasks are not complete, anxiety boils up, fear of (who the fuck knows) starts to grip me. It only happened once where I was coming out of a breakup that was particularly heart achy and found myself being the couch potato reddit cruiser.
How I got out of it was crossfit, jitz and training hard again but more than anything, serving others. After reading all your posts in this thread it sounds like you're inert. The sentence quoted is a tadel tale.
In read a buddies suicide note in 2012 and it said "I'm useful to no one". Men need purpose. Get a purpose. You'll find yourself praying for more time in the day, hoping others are on time to not hold you up on your mission.
Don't have a mission? Go down to the local animal shelter and tell them you have X hours free everyday, or maybe go to AA and get put on the list as a support person for some poor fucker struggling to keep the bottle off their lips, or go to a soup kitchen and wash dishes. I've done all these things prior to children.
Severing ones self only is selfish and NO ONE wants to be remembered as useless to others. Serving nothing with useless tasks is the reason the Soviets had political prisoners digging holes to fill them in and moving piles of rocks, its soul crushing.
Severing others gives purpose and will lift you out of your funk. Foster a dog thats had the shit kicked out of it living on the street and nurse its mange and flees away.
Check back in in 6 months... Or be like my brother like a leaf on the wind and accomplish nothing for anyone, even yourself.
