You have alot to learn. Maturity at your age is not a common trait. 30 is nothing. To you it's old but most are still getting their shit together then.I'm ready at any moment to give up what I'm to become what I want to be even if it means dying in my thirties which will not happen. Mark my words for it.
You will NOT say your age. But it's obvious to all you are VERY young.
I'm sure you can find other outlets. Steroids don't make a man. Give it another 3 years son and join the marines. I'll guarantee you'll find some thing valuable there. Got it in you tough guy