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another joke thread

thick

thick

New Member
Let em rip boys. If you dont like the jokes or are offended than dont read the thread. This is a no flame board. So all you flamers get off of here

WHAT KIND OF SEX DO YOU HAVE?



SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX: A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

WOMEN'S HUMOR: My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you."
 
bill worked in a pickle factory. he had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. hehad an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. his wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. he vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

one day a few weeks later, bill came home absolutely ashen. his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "what's wrong, bill?" she asked.

"do you remember that I told you how i had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"oh, bill, you didn't."

"yes, i did."

"my god, bill, what happened?"

"i got fired."

"no, bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"oh, she got fired too."
 
a hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. the husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready. the wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says "honey, i have something to tell you. i'm a virgin."

the man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. he heads straight to his fathers house. when he gets there, his father says, "son, what are you doing here? you're supposed to be on your honeymoon."

the son says, "dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. she's a virgin."

"damn son. you did the right thing by leaving. if she wasn't good enough for her family, she sure as hell isn't good enough for ours!"
 
sheila the aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she somehow slipped sideways and did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. she yelled out for her husband bruce.

"bruce! bruce!" she yelled. bruce came running in. "bruce, i've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said.

"strewth!" bruce said and tried to pull her up. "you're stuck fast girl. i'll go across the road and get cobba."

they came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"let's try plan b." said cobba.

"plan b?!" exclaimed bruce. "what's that?"

"i'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied cobba.

"spot on." bruce said. "while you're doing that, i'll stay here and play with her tits."

"play with her tits?" cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate."

"no," bruce replied, "but I reckon if i can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive."
 
Two fags challenge two lesbians to a cross-country race. Each couple has to drive from New York to San Francisco and whoever get there fastest wins.

Q: Who gets there first?











A: The fags. They got their shit packed the night before.
 
that is already on one of the previous joke threads but dont get discouraged brother. Keep plugging away and soon you will post a keeper lol
Joker said:
Two fags challenge two lesbians to a cross-country race. Each couple has to drive from New York to San Francisco and whoever get there fastest wins.

Q: Who gets there first?











A: The fags. They got their shit packed the night before.
Click to expand...
 
thick said:
that is already on one of the previous joke threads but dont get discouraged brother. Keep plugging away and soon you will post a keeper lol
Click to expand...

Ok, I'll try it again. This one's for the ladies, aptly named--

"Oral Sex: An Ode to Love"

Penis breath, a lover's dread​
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
You bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
So when the fuck's he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what revenge, you're on the rag.​
 
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."

The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up. The next day, the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?" The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out.
 
Ok here's some good one-liners. Hopefully there will be some that you haven't heard already:

Q. Do you know what 6.9 is?
A. A good thing screwed up by a period.

Q. What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A. The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Q. How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.

Q. What is the new gay website address?
A. c : enter ### (see colon enter pound pound pound).

Q. What's got four legs and one arm?
A. A Rottweiler.

Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
A. When you open her legs the lights go on.

Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.

Q. Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
A. He was half nuts!!!

Q. What do you call a blonde grabbing at air?
A. Collecting her thoughts.

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have
left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

Q: Why do only 30% of women get into Heaven?
A: If it were more, it would be Hell.

Q: What is the difference between a geneologist and a gynecologist?
A: A geneologist looks up your family tree and a gynecologist looks up your bush.

Q: Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?
A: So he could run his fingers through his hair.

Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.

Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.

Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.

Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A: They're hiring.

Q: Why do drivers' education classes in redneck schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q: What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say fuck?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
 
2 brothers (brian and Tommy) always played practical jokes on each other.One day Tommy was asleep on the couch on his back when Brian thought it would be funny to fart in his face. So Brian pulled his pants down, underwear and all, and stuck his ass about 2 inches from Tommys face and fired one off. Tommy didnt even open his eyes and said

"Brian, I know you done that with your mouth, because I could feel the spit".
 
:confused:
dbolly said:
2 brothers (brian and Tommy) always played practical jokes on each other.One day Tommy was asleep on the couch on his back when Brian thought it would be funny to fart in his face. So Brian pulled his pants down, underwear and all, and stuck his ass about 2 inches from Tommys face and fired one off. Tommy didnt even open his eyes and said

"Brian, I know you done that with your mouth, because I could feel the spit".
Click to expand...
 
dbolly said:
2 brothers (brian and Tommy) always played practical jokes on each other.One day Tommy was asleep on the couch on his back when Brian thought it would be funny to fart in his face. So Brian pulled his pants down, underwear and all, and stuck his ass about 2 inches from Tommys face and fired one off. Tommy didnt even open his eyes and said

"Brian, I know you done that with your mouth, because I could feel the spit".
Click to expand...


too much creatine.... :D
 
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