Living lonely, impotent and no motivation

[Megazoid]

I don't know why i am posting this, guess i am just having a bad day and probably bad forthcoming week (though i haven't ever had a good week while dealing with these issues). I am going to be straight up here, i am utterly sick and tired of dealing with CHRONIC penile shrinkage, chronic ED, low libido and no sensation. I am sick of feeling tired and fatigued and sick of feeling like half a man. I literally have no idea how much more of this i can take.

I am nothing more than a walking, living zombie, watching my every step to make sure i don't end up worse than before. I get angry thinking about my body and how i have ended up this way.. I go to work everyday, feel down and carry a false smile, then come home feeling worse than when i left, i try do the thing's i once enjoyed at night and get little gratifaction from anything anymore. I truelly couldn't care about anything anymore. I see no point in doing the thing's i love if i will never have a women look over my shoulder and give me a nice compliment now and again or a gentle kiss on the neck.

Over the past three months I have completely cut-off all female contact, it just make's living as a half a man even worse than before. I now accept that i will never feel the true love of a women or the intimate times that many people take for granted in life. I have accepted that no women on this planet will go with a guy that is completely impotent (without going into detail, i did try and had a relationship working while living like this but it was too difficult for her to deal with in the end and we ended it on these grounds - you can't expect someone to stand by your whole life, espically if you are single and not married). In all honesty and without self-reflecting previous posts (i am sure my history here is well know), i feel very down and probably allot like skeptic. For the first time in months i repeatedly punched myself in the face just to inflict some kind of emotion and pain. Part of me wished that one of those punches would end it for good. I have no interest in self-harm and haven't previously done anything like this but today i just couldn't handle it anymore and broke down in the work's toilet. luckily no one was around to see how bad i felt.

To sum everything up, first off i tried testosterone treatment, that didn't work at all (tried everything too from creams, gels to injections). Then i tried all the different supplements, once again nothing happened. Then i tried cortisol replacement for a week or so and ended up worse than before and almost suicidal again (even on a low, low dosage). I cannot deal with chronic impotence on a daily basis anymore, it makes me consider suicide. Anyone who can say just "deal with it" and isn't dealing with it and has no idea what it's like for a man. To sum thing's up adding in thyroid made the whole situation even worse.

I am in now in finicial debt due to all the wrong treatment i got at the start, trips to america, blood work, etc, i am also getting no help at all from GP's or doctors here and have no access to blood work at all (and can't afford it either).

I think i need to accept now that i cannot return to how i was before. I actually started researching penile implants as an option but would rather die alone than have to deal with one of them.

I literally cannot believe i am 24 year's old and living like this. I have allot of hate and bitterness in my heart right now, because i was perfectly fine until i was injured due to accidential stupidity. I simply cannot remove the bitterness i hold for my father for causing this. I doubt many people on this board will know what that truelly feel's like...

I have now come to accept that i will be living a lonely and sheltered existance as a completey impotent man with no sex drive, heart palpitations on a daily basis and a whole host of other symptoms.

I would prefer it if people didn't respond with "get blood work done and keep testing..." because i can't do that due to the situation with doctors, gp's and the general whole medical world being against me right now (similar to love_en's situation i guess).

I would appreciate coping mechnisims for learning to accept a life with no female companionship, libido or erections. Can anyone recommend any good way's of dealing with this without resorting to a worse case scenerio situation?

 

[swordfish]

Dont give up man. Did your lab results point you to adrenal fatigue or anything? If so, HC for a week won't do it.. You need to try it longer.. I felt like shit right away and now feel better after 4 weeks of use.

I am still not feeling well, but doing better and see a crack of light.

If you still have ED i would explore going higher with testosterone.. the creams suck for this, so try injections.

If you still havent found a solution, get some cash together and see one of the pro doctors that actually care and know what they are talking about... Dr. John may be a good start for u. he is in michigan and affordable. he specializes in TRT so why not try..?

And remember you are definetely not alone. I am 28 and have given up on female relationships until I get my health into the B minus range or so.. otherwise I have no desire, ambition, etc.

We'll get tehre man.. just hang in there.

 

[dcguy4u]

Mega,
I feel for you. Though my situation is not as bad as yours but I do have ED and libido issues. I went from being an alpha male with a great career and all set to start my MBA program in an Ivy League school to this terrible condition which takes all my energy. In just three years I have had a 180 degrees turn in my personality.
However, I think all of us have to find acceptance and I think some spirituality may help you. I practice a type of Buddhist meditation . Its called Vipassna. You can find more abt it on Vipassana Meditation Website. Read through it and then you can decide if this is something that you may want to try. Another thing that I do is practice Yoga. I bought BKS Iyengars Light on Yoga and there are ceratin asnas that he recommends for impotence.

You may try this and I hope you feel better and one day are able to beat this.

 

[engival]

look at lance armstrong!

never give up.

 

[cjones]

Dave I sent you a pm; this does ruin your life and it is hard to accept. I am now on 12 pellets of Isocort spread evenly 3 times a day and have improved temps with nutri thyroid spread out also. I don't think I will go much higher than this for my cortisol. You need to work up to 8 pellets asap to get some adrenal support in place if pred wasn't the answer and then think about your next move with HCG etc

Following what Phil said I think navitas gelatanized Maca powder at breakfast and dinner plus taking L-A at bed time; maybe 1/2 teaspoon also in powder form would help. I don't know about Cialis with this could be an option once or twice a week to keep everything functioning/healthy while supporting adrenals/thyroid and general wellbeing. The ED/no libido can't be ignored you are right I know exactly how you feel having to live alone with this. I would recommend also seeing a spiritualist for emotional support and feel a bit better

I hope Maca and L-A will help, I am eagerly awaiting mine right now!

 

[pmgamer18]

I am sure you read my Story I posted to your post it's number 3
https://thinksteroids.com/community/threads/134255679
Look you feel bad and you have a right to think like this but have your bad day and tomorrow get back on the program.

I had this crap rune my life I suffered for 23 yrs. came up from a very bad life as a kid dad was a drunk mom left him when I was 11 I ended up ward of the state going from foster home to foster home and in the 50's this was no picnic. I was put on my own at 18 I got a job and sent my self to Collage. Only to have this crap hit me in the prime of my life. I was married had 2 kids and was at the peck of my career. It's not easy to fight your way up the ladder of life and have the carpet pulled out from undre you.

I not only had to fight to get treated and tested to get my health back but I have to fight to keep my job and my family. When your sick and the dam Dr.'s can find out why your sick then it's all in your head your depressed. And when they lable you with this then it gets read hard to get tested and treated.

I lost my sex life for over 10yrs but I kept my wife happy using a penis pump and a cock ring to keep it up. For a time I gave myself a shot into my penis to get it hard so I could have sex with my wife. Still I could not reach an orgasm and did not get much out of it.

When all this started for me there was no boards on the net to help I was on my own. I have been following your problem for some time now and your so dam close to getting a handle on it yet there is something holding you back. You need to take a long hard look at your self and reach down real deep and get a hold of your self. Today your on your ass but there is a tomorrow where you can forget about today and start over.

It's no easy and we can't tell you what you need to do your the only one that knows this. All I can say is your not alone many of us got pasted this and you will to I know you will.

 

[dano79]

Mega, we're in the same boat. I know this sucks. I wish I had some advice to give, but I don't. I've been dealing with this for over five years and have now spent almost all of my twenties in isolation because of it. HRT has done little for me, other than make my hair fall out and making me look old.
At time I wish I had never gone on HRT at all, would have saved a lot of money on treatments that got me nowhere (and in someways worse)

I too would suggest therapy, its not taboo, and it helps to keep me sane.

 

[hardasnails1973]

Llsit
1. diet
2, current life style
3 current labs
4. what do you do all day
5. have you been check for genetic polymorphism (northern europeans dominant trait) this can be a major factory brought on by some child hood or life expereince that resulted in unresolved depression that has manifested at the cellular level.
6. current supplemenation regime
7. current drug protocol
8, symptoms suffering from.
9. time you get uo and goto bed each night
10. your faith or religion do you practice it
11. have they check mineral levels copper, ferrtin, ect.

I think you need to look into skilled relxation exercises in order to help deal with daily life.

 

[gregxy]

Ditto on the above,

You have tried all the medical solutions. Anxiety will cause all of the
problems that you are experiencing. If you don't have someone to discuss this with
go see a therapist, it really does help.

 

[cpeil2]

5. have you been check for genetic polymorphism (northern europeans dominant trait) this can be a major factory brought on by some child hood or life expereince that resulted in unresolved depression that has manifested at the cellular level.

Can you substantiate this? I think this is the first time I have ever heard of childhood trauma or depression inducing genetic change.

 

[Megazoid]

Hardasnails, i thought it would be wise to reply to your list first to give everyone a proper insight into my situation.

1. diet

Morning/breakfast: I start work at 7am. I eat breakfast around 8am. To keep going i eat a fiber/health bar and a cup of soup. At 8am i eat 2 rolls with bacon + egg (egg hard) and white rolls. I drink a large cup of fresh orange (pure).

Afternoon (12pm/1pm): This varies and i will be honest and say sometimes i miss this and don't eat until a little later. Usually i have a a salad roll though or sometimes a pasta dish (depends on work, etc). I sometimes eat fried chicken too.

Dinner (6/7pm) again this varies. I usually eat a good dinner though of pasta, fish or chicken. I tend to have lots of veggies, patotoes, etc. On a friday (And sometimes thursday) i will eat either 2 portions of scampi or a large pizza with lot's of toppings.

I don't eat chips, chinese food (for the soy content), crisp or anything really bad for me. I don't drink alcholol, smoke or do drugs (of any kind).

I usually have 1/2 peices of chocolate a day and a redbull inbetween meals.

2, current life style

2 months ago i quit my job as a software developer due to stress and illness. I had trouble finding another suitable jon and ended up taking a job as a mailman (or postman). In general i walk about 13 miles a day (up some hills, stairs, etc). In general the job is stress free but envolves heavy lifting, allot of carido/walking and cold conditions at times (i live in scotland - so i am sure you can imagine). I took this job in the hope it would give me a little extra money, be stress free and generally keep me in good shape (good for heart, general health, etc?).

When i come home (about 1/2pm), i work as a composer/producer that does original productions and remixes for record labels. I also do soundtrack/cinematic work too, this can be stressful due to deadlines.

Next to music production i own a small software company and develop cutting edge software solutions (i have interest in artificial intelligence/neural networks, DSP, Image Processing, etc). I am in the process of developing a larger project with commercial viability. Once this is released i will no longer have to worry about money (i hope).

I am writing a book on neural network research and development at present as a side project

I enjoy going to the cinema, socialising with friends (when i feel positive and "up" for it), going to the pub (don't drink though), playing pool and walking (though i seem to be doing too much of that right now).

3 current labs

This is all i have:

19.9.2006 (No Hormone Replacement Therapy - 5 days after getting varicocele/little testicular atrophy):

Total T: 24.3 nmol/l (9.4 60.0)


05.10.2006 (No Hormone Replacement Therapy - 4/6 weeks after varicocele and bad atrophy):

Total T: 15.2 nmol/l (14 40)
SHBG: 26.0 nmol/l (20 45)
Free Androgen Index: 58% (70 100)
Calculated Free Testosterone: 356.7 pmol/l (300 600)
FSH: 2.7 iu/l (0.7 6)
LH: 3.9 iu/l (0.8 6)
Estridol: 73 pmol/l (55 184)
TSH: 1.9 iu/l (0.4 5.5)
PSA: 0.2 ng/ml (0.2 4)
Free PSA: 0.2 ng/ml (0.1 2)
PSA ratio: 1.1 (0.09 0.5)


15.10.2006 (No Hormone Replacement Therapy)

Total T: 14.0 nmol (no ranges available)


23.10.2006 (TestoGel (50mg 1 packet) daily for weeks):

FSH: 2.1 iu/l (0.7 11.1)
LH: 2.7 iu/l (0.8 7.6)
Estridol: 75 pmol/l (73 273)
Prolactin: 70 miu/l (53 360)
Total T: 25.2 nmol/l (6.93 28.1)


23.11.2006 (No Hormone Replacement Therapy):

Total T: 20.9 nmol/l (10 36.0)
SHBG: 20 nmol/l (6 45)
Free Androgen Index 104.5 (36 156)
LH: 3.9 U/L (2.0 8.6)
FSH: 2.2 U/L (1.0 4.5)
Prolactin : 169 Mu/L (0 400)

4. what do you do all day

I answer this in question 2, but it might be worth adding i regularary sleep from 2/3pm to 6pm and then work at night right after dinner. The only thing's that help me feel better is sleep. in fact sleep will usually return my flaccid size back to normal, give a little libido for a short time and make me feel better for a short time.

5. have you been check for genetic polymorphism (northern europeans dominant trait) this can be a major factory brought on by some child hood or life expereince that resulted in unresolved depression that has manifested at the cellular level.

I had a genetic test for klienfelters (and a few other things) but nothing showed up. I haven't really suffered any "major" depression until i recieved the testicular injury that gave me varicocele and the hormonal problems.

I did suffer some bad testicular pain (right side - not the varicocele side) during puberty that "might" have caused an increase in cortisol during that time frame. Nothing was negatively effect with regards to depression, fatigue, etc.

6. current supplemenation regime

At present i am only taking Vit A, B12 and a multivitiamen for men.

7. current drug protocol

To sum everything up. I tried all the testosterone treatments and nothing worked so i assumed testosterone wasn't the problem. I tried androgel, testim, compound cream and finally 125mg testosterone enthanate weekly for 1/2 months (i believe roughly 5/6 weeks). Nothing help and all that happened with the injections was i felt worse, had lowered energy and COMPLETE ed (i.e. worse than now). So i gave up and went back to natural, which is where i am now.

I visited Dr M, he diagnosed adrenal fatigue (also shown by saliva test) and hypothyroidism. He said i have an over-production of NE as my hands were sweety.

He put me on 2.5mg of prednisone, DHEA (oral), Levothyroixine (up to 100/150mcg over a period of weeks), Vit B12, Vit A and healthy diet. I tried all the above and felt worse.

Prednisone (or cortisol if you will) just makes ALL my symptoms allot worse, so i stopped this. I only did the thyroid for a few days because without the cortisol i couldn't see it working in the long-term. My only belief was that my body was somehow in a high cortisol state at tissue level and i responded negatively to the cortisol. Or it lowered free t or E2 further resulting in more problems.

8, symptoms suffering from.

No libido, penile shrinkage (chronic at times - strange penis shape and feeling/lack of blood flow to penis), foreskin/scrotum color changes and skin thinning, complete lack of penile sensation, weak muscles/tendons/ligiments, joint clicking, weakened groin muscles/tendons (no penile support anymore, everything just hang's lifeless, most likely negatively effect blood flow to the area), skin thinning, dry skin (not chronic at present), depressed mood, anxiety, lack of energy, impaired concentration, tension, excessive sweating, lower body temputure (cold hands, feet, genetalia), insomnia, daytime tiredness, less strength/stamina (Though still capable of working), testicular pain (Varicocele still causes almost daily pain), sometimes pain in ears/nose/mouth area and general aches and pains around my body.

I also suffer from skin flushing (redness), thinning/dryness, paleness, skin darkening on hands, feet and genetalia and complete lack of sensation on my neck, etc. For about a month or so i experienced dry tounge and feeling of dry skin on my tounge. My tounge appeared whitish when i checked in the mirror.

9. time you get uo and goto bed each night

On weekdays i get up at 6.30am (sometimes 6.00am), goto work and finish around 1/2pm, i come home for 2.30pm, sleep from 3pm to 6pm, then goto bed again at 11/12 at night.

10. your faith or religion do you practice it

No faith or religion at present.

11. have they check mineral levels copper, ferrtin, ect.

To the best of my knowledge, no. Is this urine, salivia or blood test? I will look out all the additional blood work data i have (kidneys, liver, etc).

I have no clue where to go from here but really cannot afford to have more time off work or end up worse. I seem to respond negatively to all treatments, though i did feel testosterone injections gave improved mood for a while (euphoric feeling i guess). Any help would be great, i feel some muscles around my groin area are very loose now and arterial/venous blood flow has been effected somehow. Maybe raising DHT/T would help rebuild these muscles? Any help would be great.

Every 2/3 day's i wake with morning wood and on occaiains it can last for a long time which gives me a little hope that this isn't fully physical in nature and my equipment still work's a little. I find it easier to get an erection while lying on my back in bed. I also sometimes get noctornal erections still.

Any help or advice would be great...

 

[Megazoid]

I should also add these points.

Erections (though not libido, because i don't have any "urge" to want sex anymore) is better at night and usually directly after eating (give it 30/60 minutes or so). Eating and sleep help with erections.

I get regular feeling of inflammation on my skin. This happens for the most part on my hands, feet, face and scrotum/penis. This can last for several hours at a time.

I have also gained some weight around my mid section (gut area) and thighs.

Based on my total T, free T and SHBG what should my estridol be at? I believe i have low E2 as Dr Marianco mentioned that my ratio was way off (E2 too low for testosterone i believe). Does high E2 mean high SHBG? If SHBG controls the metablism and length of time hormones are active, wouldn't having an SHBG at around 30/40 be better? this way hormones would last longer in the blood stream and allow for higher estridol levels in the long term.

Does thyroid hormone increase or decrease SHBG? I believe SHBG is controlled entirely by thyroid and estridol (E2), though wasn't sure if total t (or free t) played a role? Do other estrogens come into play and does insulin/cortisol effect the balance in any way?

I am assuming estridol was rising with TRT resulting in lowered SHBG and this symptoms of high estridol. This might explain the worse ED and lowered energy, if thyroid hormone was already low at that time then stressing the adrenals further with trt must have lowered the effects of thyroid hormone at cell level? resulting in less blood flow to hands, feet, penis, etc...

You are well versed in this stuff Hardasnails, would like your opinion on my situation. My SHBG seem's mid-range (or is this considered low?) does this mean i would work better with twice weekly injections (which i would prefer) rather than once weekly? How does injection frequency corelate directly with SHBG and estridol?

I want to avoid using armidex if possible. I am not prone to gyno or anything.

 

[swordfish]

what do you mean by "over-production of NE" ???

I too have sweaty palms/feet. I was able to fix using a Dr Drionics product... but it still lingers...


Are you following up with Mariano? I would stick with him and his protocols atleast for several months before exploring other options.

 

[Megazoid]

It's a sign of adrenal fatigue i believe. When your body cannot output enough cortisol the next source of energy is Epinephrine (or adrenaline). My mistake for referring to it as NE.

Your body then goes into a fight or flight response mode and your adrenals get stressed further. If you have cold hands and feet (like me) your body releases this adrenaline sweat that isn't warm like normal sweat, your hands feel wet and greasy for some reason, but still cold.

It usually means you are low on estridol, cortisol or thyroid hormone.

 

[swordfish]

gotcha.. i sent you a PM

 

[billythebaxter]

u really need to look at getting psychological help.
of course all these problems are going to have a detrimental effect of your mental health, and once youre mental health starts failing u will feel much worse.

seriously, get a referral to a psychiatrist.

 

[Fit4Life05]

do you still have access to Injectable Tesosterone? If so my #1 priority would be to pick some up. I would start at injecting a decently high dose 200mg-250mg (maybe higher 500mg) a week, I would also take an AI (arimidex .25mg bi weekly).

basically these high doses are doses a lil lower than what someone would use on a steroid cycle. but if this amount of T does not get you feeling better (with an AI for e2) then i think you know for 100% sure then that Test is not you main problem. as far as i know possession of steroids in britain are not illegal, only selling is. i would go with this for at least 2 months b4 i reevaluated myself

personally that is what id do, i understand this is considered despereate, but your life seems like its calling for desperate measures right now

I know exactly how u feel right now, tho as i was in the same boat not too long ago....went from being a scholarship athlete to a zombie, and life was horrid. i can tell you to stay strong but its hard for you to put into perspective, i really hope u pull through as i hate to see anyone suffer from this condition. it seems like u do have a lot going for you though. you seem intelligent and on the brink of successfull in many fields. youre only 24, you have plenty of time to get this fixed and live like a man again, no longer a zombie, and once u do, im sure you will enjoy life so much more than u ever thought was possible

 

[cjones]

Does thyroid hormone increase or decrease SHBG? I believe SHBG is controlled entirely by thyroid and estridol (E2), though wasn't sure if total t (or free t) played a role? Do other estrogens come into play and does insulin/cortisol effect the balance in any way?

I read the more SHBG there is the smaller the quantity of free testosterone there is; testicular size and semen volume decrease with age because of rising SHBG.

The only sex hormones I know of in my case that I could get checked was total T that was high

A normal total T level and raised SHBG causing lowered Free T could give a true hypogonadism. I don't know how likely this is with me but I don't think it is just in particularly obese men etc. I have very little body weight and think this could be a major factor. Sex hormones have to play a part with these issues and Free T is very important

 

[gregxy]

If I were you I'd drop the redbull or anything with caffine or stimulants in it.
These cause NE production or simulate the same receptors.

You may also want to try a sedative (Get dr M to write you a script for lorezapam)
just to see how it affects you. Of course you don't want to get hooked on the stuff,
but it can help you "reset" your mental and physical state. Anxiety and adrenal fatigue
seem to form a positive feedback loop,

Dr M gave me the same hypothyroid diagonsis but I think he is wrong. He claims
since thyroid is low the body compensates with NE or maybe adrenalin. But for me
adding armour or synthoid only made things worse.

Also give yourself credit, you sound like a very productive person. I wish I had your
level of motivation......

There is much more to life than erections and libido.

 

[jaydee]

Nothing anyone here is going to say to you is going to be what you want to hear, or easy whether its get over it, keep trying more meds, find other things to do other than libido and erection based things......I know cause ive asked the same questions a million times too.

What has helped somewhat for me is just doing things that I ENJOY doing....not burying my head in work or somthing that I have no desire to do. Its time for some "Dave Time". You need to be able to accept help from other people without feeling guilty for it and realize that you are going through the worst time of your life and it is going to be hard. Dont let people sugar coat it and say "ahhh you will be fine man" cause the reality is that you may well not be fine. The sooner you can realize this and deal with it, the sooner you can learn to COPE with that being the worst case scenario. If you recover - and there is always hope and a good chance you will recover, then that is a bonus.

If you dont recover, you need to look at why this might have happened to you and look for somthing to have faith in. For me, its God. Plain and simple. If I didnt believe there was a better place that we go to when we leave this life, then I would simply jump off a bridge because what is the point? The point is we are here for a reason I believe, and whatever that reason is, is an important one. You are important to this world. I beleive you are here for a reason. We dont know what reason, but this suffering of ours is not going to waste...i am very sure of that.

Just try and hang in there....I KNOW its tough.....I am in the same boat, but we will get through this - even if the rest of your life is not as you imagined it would be, it WILL get easier. Humans have an amazing ability to adapt if you give it time. Your life is different now and you need to seriously start looking at your life as something new and look at it as a challenge that you are willing to step up to. Again, I know its hard, but we are all in this world together, and together we will get through it. Suicide is not an option so forget about it man. You dont know what lies around the next corner.