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HAPPY EXPLODING LITTLE TREES
Happy Exploding Little Trees

We do not have invisible airplanes. You can’t stop a hurricane by dropping a nuclear bomb on it. Energy efficient lightbulbs don’t make you appear orange. You can’t catch cancer from windmills. You can’t cure coronavirus by ingesting bleach or fish tank cleaner. Simply raking forests doesn’t prevent wildfires. And trees do not explode.

In 1998, I moved to Fredericksburg Virginia and I enrolled my eight-year-old son into Hugh Mercer Elementary. While driving him to school on his first day, he asked me why it was named “Hugh Mercer.” I told him Hugh Mercer was a great dude who lived in this town over two hundreds years ago. My son asked me what made him great? I said, “Because he did great things” My son asked, “What kind of great things?” Dammit, kid.

I told my son that Hugh Mercer did great things like stop a dinosaur alien invasion hundreds of years ago with a magic sword. He slayed half the dinosaur aliens and the other half flew away in their dinosaur alien space ships, crying all the way until they got to their home world, Dinosauranus. Everyone was so happy, they named an elementary school after him because that’s what you get when you stop a dinosaur alien invasion.

My eight-year-old looked at me the same way he does today at the age of 30. Like I’m an idiot.

That’s exactly how Trump sycophants should look at Donald Trump when he says stupid shit like, “With regard to the forest, when trees fall down after a short period of time, about 18 months, they become very dry, they become really like a match stick and they get up you know there’s no more water pouring through and they become very, very they just explode. They can explode.”

The difference between me selling my kid a load of horse shit and Donald Trump selling a load to his base is that I know I’m selling horse shit. Does Donald Trump know? My son is extremely smart and was even at eight. He also had an imagination and knew I had one too. But, shouldn’t adult Trump supporters be smarter than an eight-year-old?

Do you know how you know when you’re in a cult? When you accept lies as truth…even when you know they’re lies. You’ll also know you’re in a cult when you start defending those lies as truth. I’m sure some Trump cultists are already explaining that trees do indeed explode.

For the record, trees do not explode.

How crazy is it that in the fight to refute climate change, to call it a hoax and a political agenda, that you have to create crazy impossible shit that makes you sound like a dumbass? But then again, Trump is talking to a cult that believes there are deep state lizard people worshiping Satan while eating babies in the basement of a Washington pizza parlor.

If a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one there to hear it, does it still make a sound? If it explodes and there’s no one around, does that make a sound? If Donald Trump says a bunch of stupid shit and there’s no sycophants there to hear it, is Donald Trump still a dumbass? Yes. He’s still a dumbass.

And please, do not read this to a Trump supporter. I don’t want to have to explain to them there aren’t any dinosaur aliens invading us from the planet Dinosauranus.

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A new study purporting to show that the novel coronavirus was manufactured in a Chinese lab was published by a pair of nonprofit groups linked to Steve Bannon, the former top Trump strategist now facing felony fraud charges.

The study, co-authored by a Chinese virologist who fled Hong Kong this year, claims that “laboratory manipulation is part of the history of SARS-CoV-2.” Its findings were quickly picked up by a handful of prominent news organizations such as the New York Post, which hyped the “explosive” allegations that run counter to virtually all existing scientific literature on the source of the virus.

The study is the work of the Rule of Law Society and the Rule of Law Foundation, sister nonprofit organizations that Bannon was instrumental in creating. According to documents posted on the Society’s website last year, he served as that group’s chair. The Bannon connection was first spotted by Kevin Bird, a Ph.D. candidate at Michigan State University, and shared by Carl Bergstrom, a biology professor at the University of Washington, who called the study “bizarre and unfounded.”

A search of Google Scholar and the Rule of Law Society and Rule of Law Foundation websites indicates that the organizations have not previously published scientific or medical research, and it’s unclear whether the paper received any peer review. It was posted on Monday on the website Zenodo, a publicly available repository of scientific and academic research to which anyone can upload their work.

Both of the nonprofits behind the study were formed in conjunction with exiled Chinese billionaire Guo Wengui, with whom Bannon has collaborated on a number of advocacy efforts targeting the Chinese government and business endeavors that have drawn the scrutiny of federal law enforcement officials.
 
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