pahick
Member
It sucks, but part of me thinks it’s necessary. Maybe I’m wrong, but do you ever really grow without heartbreak and failure?
I left my hometown 4 hrs away to be with a woman who I ended up being engaged to. 16 yrs ago last month she threw me out. When I came back home I didnt know what to do the first week. 2nd week I banged everything in sight. And I mean everything! I felt like less a man when she didnt want me or to fix what we had. I had to prove that I was a man, a man someone wanted, if even for a night.
When I met this one, she had little kids, 2-6. I was an instant dad. Their real dad lived down the road about 20 minutes away, but he didnt want them except for every other weekend, and even then theyd be crying cause "dad" didnt do anything but drink and watch tv...send them upstairs so he could watch the game in peace. I was gonna fuck him up, but my ex fiancee didnt want me to do that, cause trouble. So I bit my tongue for 4 yrs. I became their dad. Not at first. One of the kids had a hard time with me being their "new" dad. But eventually, right before I left for the last time, that kid bawled his eyes out knowing he'd never see me again. Its so hard when kids are involved. whether they are yours or not.
Over the years I watched them grow. Mainly through social media. First, the oldest graduated and had a kid of his own. Then the middle kid, she graduated, and just last year had her own child. The last kid has troubles, doesnt fit in the crowd so to speak like the others. I suspect its because he had so many "dads" through the years. You see, after I left my ex fiancee moved someone else in 3 weeks later. Someone she picked up at a bar. They eventually married, and 6 months later got divorced.
When she got divorced who do you think she called? Me. "Besides my kids you were the best thing that ever happened to me...." Ya, that fucked me up, and almost had me wanting to head back to her. But something in my head said no dont do it. She kept in contact, flirting, for another 3 weeks or so, then out of the blue....nothing. Eventually I checked her social media and saw she was with a new man. They ended up getting married. She was with him for, oh man I cant remember right, maybe 5 years. Then one day I get a call. Yup, you guessed it...."Besides my kids you were the best thing that ever happened to me....". By this point i was already "over her". Meaning I wasnt in love with her anymore. I will always love her, but not in love if you can understand that.
I think it was 2-3 years ago she got married to another man. Older than her by 15 yrs or so. (I was 6 yrs older than her). I got one last call from her. It wasnt the same old BS line. This time she just wanted to see how I was, and mainly kept talking about me and her new husband, how much alike us "older" guys were. She seemed happy, and is still with him to this day.
I know im writing a book here, and theres many more chapters believe me, good and bad. But I wanted to you all to know this really sucked. For me. I stayed single for most of the time. Fucking one whenever the need arose, which was more often than ill admit. But it was part of me moving on.
I dont know what you believe in. God(I do) or some other higher power. Im not gonna go all religious on y'all. But just know we're all on a journey, and im actually happy this woman above is happy in her journey. It wasnt until I realized we're all on a journey, and we're not always gonna be on the same path, that I could "mourn" the loss of a friend and actually move on. Experiencing happiness for myself.
Its ok to reminisce about the past. Hell its ok to flirt with the notion of what could be. But its never ok to constantly dwell on what would or could have been. Youre only holding yourself back. Again, remember, its ok to stop along your journey, take a break, sit on an old log and catch your breath. But your journey is waiting. You cant go back. Lifes too short to allow that.
Never compare your life to anothers. Dont ever let the "she won" mentality set in. This is YOUR race. Be happy for what youve been through, who you are now, what you have to offer, and let the world see you for all you are. Your journey isnt finished. And theres someone out there waiting on you to compliment their journey.
Sorry so long, but I hope I made someone, anyone, think. Its time. Get after it. Peace!
