joke for all the board hillbillies

[thick]

Subject: hi tech stuff


Three men, one German, one Japanese, and a hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped, he said: I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear, when he finished he explained: That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand.

The hillbilly felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
Having returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The hillbilly finally said...
Well would you look at that I'm getting a fax!

 

[thick]

here's another> The ball game
>
> A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball
> game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his
> commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well.
> As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts," and the
> patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down
Nuts,"
> and
> they all sat back down in their seats.. After a home run was hit, the
> doctor
> yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered. When
> the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team,
> the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts," and they all started booing and cat
> calling. Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a
> beer and
> a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a
> riot in progress. Finding his frazzled assistant, the doctor asked, "What
> in
> the world happened?" The assistant replied, "Well everything was going
just
> fine
> until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"
>

 

[Chip Bronson]

nationality jokes...

ok, you got me going thickie....

3 couples, an irish, jewish and greek couple, die and are on their way to heaven. the irishe couple tries to go throught the 'pearly gates' and god stops them and says:

'freeze. where do you think you're going?'

the man replies, 'why we're going into heaven sir.'

god says, 'no way. i heard all about you micks. you get drunk, fall down, starts fights, etc. we don't need any of your kind here.'

'ah sure now, it's not true god', replies mickey.

god says, 'oh yeah, what's your wife's name?

'sherry', replies mickey.

'get the fuck downstairs', replies god and sends them down to hell.

next, the jewish couple comes along and god stops them and says, 'and where do you think you're going?'

'we're going to heaven', replies schlomoe.

god says, 'no way. i've heard about you heebs. always saving, being misers, etc. we just don't need your kind here.'

'that's not true god', replies the man.

god says, 'oh yeah, what's your wife's name?

'penny', says the man.

'get the fuck downstairs', replies god and sends them down to hell as well.

the greek couple comes walking along next and the guy looks at his wife and says, 'well fanny, i definitely don't think we stand a chance.'

 

[Chip Bronson]

despite popular belief, the most commonly heard 4-letter word in whorehouse is -------------------- 'next'

 

[Chip Bronson]

and the most popular line in a gay bar is: 'may i please push in your stool?'

got that one from freaky freddy....

 

[esco]

a chinese guy & a jewish guy were at a bar throwing down some drinks, when all of a sudden the jewish guys gets up and knocks the shit outta the chinese guy. the chinese guy gets up & asks, "what the hell was that for?" the jewish guy says, " thats for pearl harbor!" the chinese guy says, "that was the japanese, im chinese. the jewish guy says, " chinese, japanese its the same thing. so they start drinkin again and this time the chinese guy gets up & knocks the shit outta the jewish guy. the jewish guy gets up and asks, " what the hell was that for?" the chinese guys responds, "thats for the titanic!" the jewish guys says, "that was an iceberg!" the chinese guys responds, "iceberg, goldberg, its all the same."

 

[Chip Bronson]

3 steel-welders, a mexican, an italian and a polish guy, work together hight atop the city. they sit down to lunch on day and the mexican guy exclaims, 'shit, burritos yet again. every fucking day it's burritos. if the wife packs me burritos one more time, i swear i'm jumping off this here girder. that's it.'

the italian guys says, 'fuck, me too. every day it's baked ziti. if she packs me baked ziti one more fucking time, i too will jump my brothers.'

the polish guy says, 'shit. kielbasa yet again. every fucking day the same thing. if i have kielbasa one more time i'm jumping too.'

the next day they sit down to lunch once again. the mexican, sure enough, has burritos in his lunch-pail. 'aye chihuahua, he cries out and jumps.

the italian, once again, has ziti and, he too, jumps to his death.

the polish guy has kielbasa and he jumps as well.

since the guys were the closest of friends, the families thought it would be appropriate to have a funeral together, out of respect for their friendship.

during the funeral the mexican wife expresses her sadness and says, 'if i only know miguel was this tired of burritos, i would have gladly packed him some chimichangas. oh, i feel so bad.'

the italian wife adds, 'and i too would have packed my poor mario some lasagna if i only knew the severity of the situation. i feel so guilty.'

next there is a uncomfortable silence and the polish wife realizes everyone is looking at her.

'well, what are you all looking at me for? that idiot packed his own lunch!'

 

[Chip Bronson]

the epitome of gross...

fucking a pregnant chick and getting 'head' from the fetus...

 

[Chip Bronson]

why do they smear shit all the walls at an italian wedding?

to keep the flies off the bride...

 

[Chip Bronson]

how do you separate the boys from the men in greece?

crowbar

 

[esco]

what's the greek army motto? never leave your buddy's behind.

 

[Chip Bronson]

hillbilly walks into a brothel and says he wants the fines ho' money can buy. after all he has $5 with which to pay. so the madame directs him to go upstairs to the last room on the left. he walks up to the room, opens the door and sees this fine redhead with huge knobs sitting on the bed. hillbilly drops his drawers and jumps on the redhead and proceeds to fuck her hard. when he blows his nut big-time, sperm comes flying out her nose, mouth and ears. hillbilly, the shit scard out of him, jumps up and runs out screaming with his clothes in his hands. the madame yells out to her helper, 'eh paco, the dead one's full again.'

 

[Chip Bronson]

why do greeks just hate to leave greece?

they just hate leaving their friend's behind....

 

[esco]

did you know 90% of asians have cataracts? the other 10% drive rincolns & chevrorets.

 

[thick]

keep em coming. i am looking for a good one but i think my hotmail acct. deleted it while i was on vac. b/c i was over limit

 

[Chip Bronson]

a woman goes to her doctor complaining about excruciating knee pain in both knees. after running a battery of tests, including an mri, the doc concludes that there is nothing wrong that he can see. he asks her is there is anything that she is doing differently, over the past few months, in her daily routine to which she replied, 'well, i'm having lots of sex doggie-style'. the doc says, 'well, there's your problem right there. because of the nature of this position, your knees are taking a lot of the force of your partners thrusts. you just need to stop doing it doggie-style.' to which she replied, 'but doctor, you don't understand. it's the only position my dog knows.'

 

[Grizzly]

Those greek and Italian one's are killing me!!! lmfao!!!

Well, I'll be the first one to break the taboo threshold...

What do you call a black kid on a bike? Thief!

What do you say to a black guy in a three piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise

 

[thick]

lmao these are great

 

[thick]

> > I went to the store the other day and I was in there for only
> > >about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing a parking
>ticket.
> > >
> > >So I went up to him and said "Come on buddy, how about giving me a
>break?"
> > >
> > >He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a
> > pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for
> > worn tires!
> > >
> > >So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and
> > put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third
> > ticket!
> > >
> > >This went on for about 20 minutes ... the more I abused him, the more
> > tickets he wrote.
> > >
> > >I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a
>little
> > fun each day. It's important.
> >
> >
> >
> >

 

[thick]

Read Closely women

It's a beautiful, warm, spring morning and a man and his wife are
>>spending
>> >the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose fitting; almost
>>see
>> >through,
>> >pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. > >He's wearing his
>>normal
>>jeans
>> >and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. > > > >As
>>they walk
>> >through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large,
>>hairy
>>gorilla.
>> >Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars,
>>and
>> >holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his
>>chest with
>> >his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty woman in the
>>wavy
>> >dress
>> > The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. > >
>> > >He
>> >suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The
>>husband
>> >suggests
>> >she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.
>>She does,
>> >and
>> >Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake
>>the
>>dead.
>> >Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to
>>show a
>> >little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the
>>bars
>>down.
>> > > > > >"Now try lifting your dress up and flashing your beaver."
>>he says.
>> >This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy, and now he's doing
>>flips and has
>>
>> >a
>> >hard-on like a baseball bat. Then the husband grabs his wife,
>>rips open
>>the
>> >door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and slams the
>>cage door
>> >shut. > > > >"Now, tell HIM you've got a fucking headache."
>>
>>