In July 1973, after https://www.washingtonpost.com/history/2019/06/10/john-dean-is-trumps-latest-target-heres-how-he-took-down-nixon/?tid=lk_inline_manual_2 (John Dean’s blockbuster testimony) about the Watergate coverup, Post columnist https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/art-buchwalds-archives-are-bound-for-the-library-of-congress-he-would-have-been-thrilled/2018/01/02/995eef38-e502-11e7-833f-155031558ff4_story.html?tid=lk_inline_manual_2 (Art Buchwald) wrote a tongue-in-cheek column headlined “Response List for Nixon Backers.” (A tip of my fedora to Charlie Sykes of the Bulwark for
flagging it.) “As a public service,” Buchwald wrote, “I am printing instant responses for loyal Nixonites when they are attacked at a party.” His very first item — “Everyone does it” — shows how little things have changed, while his most common trope — “What about Chappaquiddick?” — demonstrates that “whataboutism” wasn’t invented yesterday.
Herewith, as a public service, I am printing a list of excuses for loyal Trumpkins when they are attacked on Facebook or Twitter. (Note: Any resemblance between these “alternative facts” and actual facts is purely coincidental.)
1. The fact witnesses
won’t say that President Trump should be impeached. So he’s innocent.
2. Is it a quid pro quo or bribery or extortion or a high crime or a misdemeanor or what? Democrats keep
changing their story.
3. Trump https://www.rev.com/blog/impeachment-hearing-day-4-transcript-gordon-sondland-testifies, “I want a quid pro quo.” He doesn’t even speak Latin!
4. Trump is
too stupid to carry off a quid pro quo.
5. Sure, it was a quid pro quo, but so what? Everyone does it.
Get over it.
6. Democrats have been planning a
coup since day one.
7. This is the latest
hoax scandal. Why do Democrats keep accusing Trump of things?
8. Democrats
are trying to get nude photos of Trump.
9. Ukraine, not Russia,
interfered in the 2016 election. Trump was right to demand an investigation.
10. Ukraine
got its aid in the end. Stop whining.
11. Trump
has done more for Ukraine than President Barack Obama ever did. He sent missiles, not blankies and binkies.
12. Trump https://www.rev.com/blog/impeachment-hearing-day-4-transcript-gordon-sondland-testifies.
13. Trump https://www.rev.com/blog/impeachment-hearing-day-4-transcript-gordon-sondland-testifies.
14. All of the witnesses are Never Trump
human scum — even
the one who contributed
$1 million to the Trump inaugural.
15. Sure, Army Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman is a war hero, but he wasn’t born around here, and he speaks foreign languages — with actual foreigners. You know what
that means.
16. Vindman
wears a uniform to testify. You know what that means, too.
17. George Kent
drinks water and wears a bow tie. What the hell is wrong with that guy?
18. Marie Yovanovitch messed up
Somalia, so Trump was right to fire her as ambassador to Ukraine.
19. Trump was elected to
fire bureaucrats. Who cares what they say?
20. Gordon Sondland totally
vindicated Trump. The impeachment hoax is over.
21. It’s all a
“deep state” plot.
22. Christopher Steele, Nellie Ohr and https://www.washingtonpost.com/national-security/in-impeachment-inquiry-republican-lawmakers-ask-questions-about-whistleblower-loyalty-to-trump-and-conspiracy-theories/2019/10/26/bf733450-f760-11e9-a285-882a8e386a96_story.html?tid=lk_inline_manual_32 (Fusion GPS).
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