I feel like everything is hopeless [long post]

[dalbert]

Hi!

Everything is just terrible. I don't know what to do. It's simply too much.
I feel like everything is absolutely senseless and have no strength. Many times in the past
I felt like losing my mind. I searched advice from people and all they could say is that I should
go to a doctor and get antidepressants but I don't know if they'd really make much a difference.
If everything around you is depressing and void of hope then how could you not be depressed?
I have always had a tendency to be pessimistic and depressed and also had anxieties. But that
was all before everything got much worse.
Now my health is bad. I have many diseases which are incurable and drag me down. Over the past few years my health has gotten much worse. I suddenly got floaters which make me hide at home during the day unless I have to go out. Then I also have many other smaller things which also drag me down like chronic eczemas and problems with my teeth. I also gnash with my teeth at night and have problems with my gumline and now have to wear a plastic mouthpiece at night. I also have tinnitus which also gets worse when I have a lot of stress. And I also have many other problems with my body which cannot be diagnosed. I simply feel feeble and miserable and have pain in various joints. I got x-rays and mri-scans and tests for rheuma but nothing was ever found.
And then recently I also found out that I have a very rare genetic disease which also totally drags me down. I ask myself how huge are the chances of 1 person having so much crap at once? The rare disease which I talk about makes you develope uncountable of tiny fibromas on the skin. They look totally crappy and always remind you that you have this. But the fibromas are only a symptom. People who have this also have a higher risk of pneumothorax and kidney cancer.
When I found out about this it totally dragged me down. All the time before I knew that I am not normal because I look miserable and feel miserable and have so many things which others don't have in my age and when I then also found out that I also have genetical crap then it totally sent me into a deep depression.
But my health problems aren't all. I also have huge problems due to making bad decisions in my life. And I also worry about my family, too. Simply everything seems totally hopeless. How could I not be depressed this way?
In my family also many people are sick and this also drags me down and I think a lot of death and people dying and ask myself what am I supposed to do when I'm alone? I simply feel like I'm sitting on a timebomb and everything is coming to an end. There simply is nothing I could look forward to.
What shall I do? I don't know where to pull the strength to focus in life. At the moment I have a shitload of stress because I am working on a very important paper which needs to be finished in a few months and I'm not making much progress at the moment and all the time I feel like I'm not gonna make it and then I feel like everything is over.
Due to making so many bad decisions I have brought myself in a situation where I am under an inhuman pressure and I think about this all the time and I have days where I feel like I won't make it. I have NO clue at all if I will be able to withstand this pressure when it comes to the final exams at the very end which is also totally sick in my opinion when all exams which determine everything are all at the end and this way all the pressure is concentrated to a handful of exams which determine everything. This is simply insane. I don't know how to deal with this even now when I only think about it I became afraid. I really feel like my whole life depends on being able to finish studying and if I can't do it then it's all over.

But this is all a complicated story. I also do not like talking or writing about this. Even writing about this drags me down. A few people I emailed with told me to go to a psychologist but how shall this help me? Even talking about my problems makes me feel worse! And what is the psychologist supposed to tell me? Shall he promise me that everything will be fine?
The situation I'm in simply is totally awful there is no way to deny it or belittle it.

I'm really scared and I wish I at least had someone to talk about this but I have none. I feel like all the pressure is solely on my shoulders.

Recently I sent an email to a friend which describes my situation more in detail but it's a bit longer. I removed the name of what I am studying now because I do not want to give too many details about me. But what I study now is basically worth nothing. I only studied it cause I did not know what else to study.
It's basically worth as much as studying philosophy or other worthless stuff which cannot be used in the real world. It's very much theoretical and none of this is usable out there which is also very discouraging.

........
Recently I've been to a neurologist because of vision disorders.
He also asked some personal questions about what I study and wether
I have hobbies or a girlfriend and I said no and then he asked what
I want to do when I'm finished with studying and I said I don't know and that
I only want to finish studying and I could tell from the way he
looked at me and from the questions which he asked that he was somehow concerned
or at least that he felt like my life's pretty pathetic. I mean
from the questions which he asked it became totally clear that he was thinking the
things which I also think. It was as if he was thinking exactly the
same thing which also worry me like for example what am I to do with my life and how
am I supposed to survive and which job am I supposed to work in?
These are exactly the questions which drag me down and which
concern me and my parents, too. I simply made a lot of bad choices
and mistakes after finishing school and I ended up studying
something which is pretty much useless and which I also don't like.
I only studied it because I didn't know what else to apply for and so I applied for all kinds of things and got green light to study XXXX and so I started studying it. If
it had been up to me I would have quit right away because it sucked
but my parents told me that this is my last chance now because back
then I was already 24 and had already started law and economics and
quit after 1 semester and so I simply had to pull through. But I
really had not expected it to be so hard. And the fact that this
stuff does not interest me one bit and the fact that there is no
money in studying XXXX also make it much harder. I mean it's
so depressing when you have to study something without knowing what
you can do with it. Most of the stuff seems totally useless to me
in the real world.
I have all these thoughts in my mind and they drag me down and
create a huge pressure. And I am also under much pressure trying to
finish studying. I am really scared of the final exams because of
the huge pressure. Basically it all comes down to the final exams!
You can study this stuff for years and years and if you fail at the
exams it's all over. I think this is insane. It creates an insane
pressure.
And I'm already 30. My father always told me that I just have to
finish this and get the diploma to all least have finished one
thing because my vitae is already such a mess because I have
already studied so many things and not finished them. And a few
years ago I had to write a research paper over a time of 2
semesters and I didn't know how and felt pretty helpless and I
wanted to talk about this with another person to get rid of this
pressure and feeling as if I am all alone with this and so I
mentioned to my father that it's not going so well and he basically
said that I have to finish this and get the diploma otherwise
everything will be over and I could as well buy myself a rope!
It really makes no sense at all to talk about this with my parents
because they cannot help me at all and hearing stuff like you must
finish this also doesn't help me it only makes it worse. I really
feel like everything comes down to getting this diploma and that my
life depends on it.
I don't even want to think,write or talk about this because I
really try to suppress these thoughts but they are there and I have
days where I feel like I can't do it and that I won't be able to
withstand this pressure. During the year where I had to write the
research paper I was always between hope and fear. I had nights
where I couldn't sleep and woke up in the middle of the night and
felt like losing my mind. It was really terrible.
And now I am working on my diploma thesis and after that there'll
be the final exams.
I feel like I have a giant mountain before me and I don't even dare
to think about how it would feel like to finally be finished with
this. It still feels like such a long way and the worst is really
the exams at the very end. It's not like in school where you take
many different tests over the last 2 years and all of them count so
that you don't have such a huge pressure in the end.
It's really a very tough situation. I study something which doesn't
interest me and which also isn't easy and at the same time it's not
really worth much. I really have no clue what kind of job I could
work in later on. Everybody else who learned something important
which can be used in the job market is much better off than me. My
self-esteem is also low because of this. I feel like what I learn
isn't worth anything. Anybody else who learned something "real" has
an advantage over somebody who learns useless stuff.
But the problem with the highest priority now is first of all
getting the diploma. I really should not even think about all these
things because they only drag me down. I should only focus on
finishing and not think about what job I could work it but I cannot
suppress all these thoughts and of course I also notice that my
father worries about me and sometimes I hear him talk about me and
he also asks himself what job I could work in and who's supposed to
hire somebody like me.
I just wish I had someone who I could talk to about these issues.
My parents cannot help me with this. It would only drag them down
and they'd tell me things which would only increase the pressure
which is on me.

What do I do?
Should I get medication? But I could never go to a doctor and really describe to him
how serious everything is. I couldn't do it. I'd be too ashamed.
Talking to the neurologist and sensing from his answers that he was somehow worried about me or that he also thought that my life sucks already dragged me down. If I hear from a doctor that everything really sucks and that my life is just awful would only make it worse for me. What if I told him everything and he totally freaks out and is shocked by my problems? Then this would only signal me that my situation is really totally terrible, which it is, but it still would only make it worse for me.
And I'm also worried of side effects because many of the antidepressants can have serious side effects and even make depression worse. What if I start taking something and then my depression which is already very strong on some days gets even stronger? This would be totally incalculable. Maybe I simply waited too long. Maybe I should have started taking something many years ago when I also knew that I am prone to depression but I never did and now where the final exams are approaching and where I also have to work on the paper the stress is getting much worse.
I tell you I have nights where I face problems and don't know how to solve them and then I think I'm not gonna make it and everything's over and where I wish I could at least talk to someone but I have noone. I cannot go to this with my parents because they cannot help me and it would also drag them down and upset them, too.

Sorry that this got so long. But seriously, how could I not be depressed when everything is so dark? My health is already very poor at my age and the prognosis is also not good and then I also study something which is pretty much useless and I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with it and first of all I also have to finish it. I try not to think about all these things cause they only drag me down but these thoughts are all there. And my parents also don't even know how depressed I am. They have no feeling for this. My father did not even remember that I have this genetical crap even though I told him about it. I think he doesn't have a clue what's really going on. Simply everything around me is depressing. I also worry about my family and also witness a lot of depressing things all the time which also drag me down. My father's also in bad shape and I can't help him. It simply all seems like a ticking timebomb to me.

 

[CubbieBlue]

Please describe your problems succinctly. Use paragraphs.

Do you have any proper diagnosis?

Sounds like you do indeed have an issue. You need to formulate a plan for yourself and your health and implement them. We can help, but you've gotta help us.

 

[dalbert]

What diagnosis do you mean?

Of all my various diseases? Not of all. Some of the problems which I have for example pain in joints cannot be diagnosed. Others can be diagnosed like the floaters or the genetic syndrome but since you cannot cure them there is nothing you can do about them. Writing them all down here would not really change much would it?
I simply always felt like I'm not normal and then when I found out that I even have genetical stuff it totally dragged me down. I'm not saying that all things which I have are caused by this syndrome. This isn't so. But when you already have a totally low self-esteem and feel miserable and worthless and abnormal and wish you were normal and looked healthy like others in the same age and then you even find out that you have something genetical then it makes it all much worse.
And who knows if I not even have more genetical stuff which I'm not aware of? I also have pretty stretchy skin which could also be abnormal but I did not investigate this further out of fear of more bad news.

It doesn't help me when I have all kinds of pain in knees or in the hand and then I go to the doctor and he makes an x-ray or an mri and finds nothing. Being in such bad shape and not being able to workout anymore and also this sense of everything being senseless is a huge reason for being depressed. Years ago I enjoyed working out but my body did not even tolerate this. I got all kinds of aches and pains. I have impingement in both shoulders! My body simply couldn't even handle the light weights which I was able to use. It's simply sick.
I cannot tell you what exactly is wrong with me but it's many different things. I just know it even without getting a diagnosis for everything.

 

[CubbieBlue]

What diagnosis do you mean?

Of all my various diseases? Not of all. Some of the problems which I have for example pain in joints cannot be diagnosed. Others can be diagnosed like the floaters or the genetic syndrome but since you cannot cure them there is nothing you can do about them. Writing them all down here would not really change much would it?
I simply always felt like I'm not normal and then when I found out that I even have genetical stuff it totally dragged me down. I'm not saying that all things which I have are caused by this syndrome. This isn't so. But when you already have a totally low self-esteem and feel miserable and worthless and abnormal and wish you were normal and looked healthy like others in the same age and then you even find out that you have something genetical then it makes it all much worse.
And who knows if I not even have more genetical stuff which I'm not aware of? I also have pretty stretchy skin which could also be abnormal but I did not investigate this further out of fear of more bad news.

It doesn't help me when I have all kinds of pain in knees or in the hand and then I go to the doctor and he makes an x-ray or an mri and finds nothing. Being in such bad shape and not being able to workout anymore and also this sense of everything being senseless is a huge reason for being depressed. Years ago I enjoyed working out but my body did not even tolerate this. I got all kinds of aches and pains. I have impingement in both shoulders! My body simply couldn't even handle the light weights which I was able to use. It's simply sick.
I cannot tell you what exactly is wrong with me but it's many different things. I just know it even without getting a diagnosis for everything.

You keep saying: "all these diseases" what do you mean by this? Do you have any actual diagnosis of anything or do you just feel like shit? What genetic disease are you talking about?

Ever taken cipro, avelox, floxin, levaquin? They are all quinolone antibiotics. Side effects include floaters, tendonitis, myalgia, arthralgia, CNS issues, etc.

Have you seen a neurologist? A rhuematologist? Ruled out sjrogens?

 

[james2012]

As a former suffering of 3 major depressions I can only say this - get on the pills. I say this as a last resort. My aunt in Canada refused medication until she was in the same spot you are now. I finally talked her into it. Four weeks later she was feeling herself again and ready to take on the world. Your results may vary, but you sound desperate enough that I believe professional intervention is of critical import at this time. Don't delay and believe me when I say there is light at the end of that tunnel.

 

[dalbert]

@CubbieBlue

I feel like shit and also have all kinds of things like the floaters,skin eczemas,cracking joints,pain in joints,shoulder impingement. I have been to a rheumatologist. He did all kinds of tests and found nothing. I took cipro once for 5 days and that was after I already had floaters and I already had the joint problems back then. Cipro is not the explanation. The rare shit I have is called birt-hogg-dube syndrome.

@gmerits

Was your aunt simply depressed for no reason? What do you do if you have many reasons which make you become depressed? Popping a pill does not resolve my health problems and it also does not help against the stress and pressure I have with studying. And what do I do if the depression gets worse which can happen when you take an antidepressants? This is a huge risk.

 

[CubbieBlue]

Dalbert,

I see your genetic condition is associated with parathyroid adenomas...which could possibly be causing parathyroid abnormalities (note: not THYROID, parathyroid). Have you been screened for hyperparathyroidism?

Do you have any recent labs you can post?

I know you are depressed, but if you don't pull your head out of the gutter a little bit and help us help you, there is nothing we can do.

 

[dalbert]

@cubbie

Where did you find this? I am not aware of this. I thought it is only linked to fibromas and pneumothorax and kidney tumors.
What is hyperparathyroidism? I had a blood test a few weeks ago but I don't know where it is right now. I think the only thing which was tested was ft4 and that the level was normal.

Does this have something to do with the parathormone? I remember that I had this tested 1,5 years ago before I started taking vitamin D and it was normal.

This is depressing. I simply don't know where to pull the strength to deal with all of this. Even if my life was perfect and I was "only" sick then I would still feel depressed and everything would seem senseless but my life is far from perfect and I also have huge worries about my future. It's simply too much. This shit has been going on for 3 years now this was when I found out about the syndrome and when I also had huge stress when I had to write a paper over the time of 2 semesters. That was when I first felt totally hopeless and at the same time had to function and write the paper. It was a horrible time which lasted for many months and I had so much pressure that I couldn't sleep at night and felt like going insane. And now the same stuff happens again but now the pressure is even bigger. The closer I get to the final exams the bigger the pressure becomes! I need to function now and write on the thesis but the pressure and the fear paralyze me.

 

[james2012]

@CubbieBlue

I feel like shit and also have all kinds of things like the floaters,skin eczemas,cracking joints,pain in joints,shoulder impingement. I have been to a rheumatologist. He did all kinds of tests and found nothing. I took cipro once for 5 days and that was after I already had floaters and I already had the joint problems back then. Cipro is not the explanation. The rare shit I have is called birt-hogg-dube syndrome.

@gmerits

Was your aunt simply depressed for no reason? What do you do if you have many reasons which make you become depressed? Popping a pill does not resolve my health problems and it also does not help against the stress and pressure I have with studying. And what do I do if the depression gets worse which can happen when you take an antidepressants? This is a huge risk.

My aunt went through a 7 year divorce, lost her business she had built over 15 years, and is now tapped into her line of credit for $120,000 and she is almost 52. Her stress levels were enormous. In Canada the system moves very slowly at all levels, so the seven year divorce was the start of what put her over the edge. The financial situation was the last nail in the coffin. She is doing much better now. The difference is night and day. When you come out of a depression, the feelings you have are very profound and powerful as you have something dark to compare them do. This "high" will disappear over time, so enjoy it while you can! You will get out of this, but I would not wait too much longer. Sometimes just taking that first step can improve symptoms dramatically (it did with me and also with my aunt). The meds take about 4 weeks to take full effect, but the improvement in the beginning was enough to bring a sigh of relief.

 

[Michael Scally MD]

It us difficult to get through your post, but, IMO, your thoughts appear to be racing after each other. I would make an appointment with a healthcare provider at the minimum. If you can, try to organize your thoughts, take your time, and write out the concerns. Bring this with you to the appointment. For now, try to slow down - easier said than done, i know!

 

[Structure]

Hi Dalbert,

Sometimes when you are in the middle of a bad situation, it can be difficult to see your situation for what it actually is. For example, some women will get suicidally depressed because they've gained a few pounds. My point here is not to say that your health issues are trivial --- on the contrary, it sounds like you're dealing with some very real health issues --- but my point is that sometimes your depression gets the best of you, and you end up making yourself feel worse than is appropriate.

How do you know when you are making yourself feel worse than you need to? One good clue is when the depression itself is actually causing you more quality of life issues than the thing causing your depression to begin with.

When your bad feelings are not helping your situation get any better (or when they are actually making your life worse), its a good idea to try to figure out how to turn off the part of your brain that is obsessing on this bad stuff.

One suggestion I have for you is to look into meditation and yoga. It sounds silly, but its been shown to help a lot of people.

There are no weights involved in yoga, but it is good exercise, so you can get the feel-good benefits of a workout without the adverse effects you mentioned in your post.

Meditation would be good for you because it is basically a method to use the powers of the mind to control the mind's excess. In other words, you use your brain to reign in obsessive thinking or destructive thought patterns that are just bringing you down.

In the end, I think you'll see that as bad as you feel now, its really the stress and depression that is the biggest enemy; you will see that without all the worry, there is in fact enough time to get your paper and finals done, and that your medical conditions are manageable.

Good luck man. Hang in there.

 

[dalbert]

I bet my stress levels are also very high. This cannot be healthy. I feel so sorry for myself.
I made too many false decisions and now it seems like everything is ruined. Do you know how depressing it is when you study something which is practically useless and you have no goal and no vision what you could do with it? This is just terrible. It makes me feel so worthless and useless. Everybody else who studied something real or even a baker or a butcher knows exactly what he wants to do later on. He can use his knowledge but I feel like the crap which I have to learn is totally useless.
Mosts doctor who I go to who ask me what I study and then want to know what one can do with it and then I stand there like a fool not knowing what to say. It's like they all think WTF is this guy doing with this crap? Why does he study this shit?
And the worst is that the others who study with me like this crap. I ask myself how in the world can somebody really be interested in this? I totally despise it and have to force myself to read articles and texts but when you're not interested in something then you also cannot be good at it.

I always felt like I'm simply not strong enough to make it in life. School is not comparable to studying and the pressure you have there but I also didn't want to just get a job because I was also afraid of this so I thought studying is my only option. But I never really knew what I should study and so I ended up studying this worthless crap.

Can you guys at least understand me? How could I not be totally depressed and hopeless?
I simply lost everything. I lost my health. 10 years ago I thought I'm healthy and now it's all messed up. Back then I didn't have all the problems and pains I have now. I also didn't have the floaters or the skin eczemas and I also didn't know about the genetic syndrome back then. Back then I still thought maybe I could have a nice life and now it's all ruined. How can you keep going and keep doing stuff which you hate when at the same time you're sick and feel like everything is totally senseless? I have nothing in my life which I like. I liked working out but I also cannot do this anymore and I also don't have the motivation for this anymore. What sense does working out make when you're reminded of having a genetical syndrome every day? I cannot even ignore it because I have hundreds of fibromas on my upper body and within the past few years they number has increased a lot.

And then also the fear of the future and all the pressure because of studying. I feel like I'm standing in front of an abyss. Every time I see a poor person I think about my situation and think that my whole life depends on wether I can get the diploma or not. How could I simply be cool and relaxed and not be under pressure when everything is so serious? When you're 20 and study something which sucks then you can switch but not when you're 30. It's too late for that. There is no way back now. And my father also said it that if I can't finish it this time then I can as well buy myself a rope and he meant it. I always feel like I'm standing at the edge and everything depends on me and the whole burden is on my shoulders. And my parents also simply expect me to make it but what if I don't? What if I cannot deal with the pressure? What do I do then? And I can't even talk about this with anyone. The times in the past where I brought this up to my parents they always told me that I simply gotta make it but this crap doesn't help me it only makes the pressure worse. Even typing this is totally upsetting for me. I am so tired of suffering. I'm somebody who cannot deal well with pressure and if I had had a choice I would have quit this shit long time ago but I had no more choice. I was told this is my last chance. Either study this or get a job and I was afraid of the job world out there. I felt like I'm mentally too weak to deal with this and so I rather studied. I'm simply weak and afraid and not strong at all. I had to do a practical course during the semester holidays a few years ago and where I worked I had trouble with the boss there and the whole situation dragged me down so much that I wanted to quit. Other people would just have thought that the boss is simply an ass and not have been affected by this but I felt so uncomfortable at work and even when I was at home I still suffered from it and counted the remaining days. What I'm trying to say is that I'm simply so weak and feel more like a child and not like a man and it has always been this way and that's why even many years ago I already was afraid and asked myself how I am supposed to survive on my own.

 

[james2012]

Hi Dalbert,

Sometimes when you are in the middle of a bad situation, it can be difficult to see your situation for what it actually is. For example, some women will get suicidally depressed because they've gained a few pounds. My point here is not to say that your health issues are trivial --- on the contrary, it sounds like you're dealing with some very real health issues --- but my point is that sometimes your depression gets the best of you, and you end up making yourself feel worse than is appropriate.

How do you know when you are making yourself feel worse than you need to? One good clue is when the depression itself is actually causing you more quality of life issues than the thing causing your depression to begin with.

When your bad feelings are not helping your situation get any better (or when they are actually making your life worse), its a good idea to try to figure out how to turn off the part of your brain that is obsessing on this bad stuff.

One suggestion I have for you is to look into meditation and yoga. It sounds silly, but its been shown to help a lot of people.

There are no weights involved in yoga, but it is good exercise, so you can get the feel-good benefits of a workout without the adverse effects you mentioned in your post.

Meditation would be good for you because it is basically a method to use the powers of the mind to control the mind's excess. In other words, you use your brain to reign in obsessive thinking or destructive thought patterns that are just bringing you down.

In the end, I think you'll see that as bad as you feel now, its really the stress and depression that is the biggest enemy; you will see that without all the worry, there is in fact enough time to get your paper and finals done, and that your medical conditions are manageable.

Good luck man. Hang in there.

Meditation did help me - after I started getting help.

Here is the a list of questions I think you need to answer for yourself:

1. Does life itself feel like it has lost all meaning?
2. Do you find yourself feeling disconnected - a feeling of the surreal. This may be a sign your condition is more of an unstable mood disorder or a case of psychotic depression.
3. Do you find yourself enjoying the things you usually enjoy?
4. Do you feel suicidal or feel that you may be a danger to others
5. Are you self-medicating with alcohol or drugs?

If the situation is dire, something like meditation will not help you. Meditation is a long-term solution to understand your emotions and where they come from - how they can ebb and flow. For a person who is in a depression, meditation can actually cause you to get worse. Also, and this is very critical, clinical depression can cause many different health issues. Non-specific and specific pain that is unexplainable is often due to depression. There is even a drug out there - I don't know its name - that deals with pain relief brought on by depression. In my own case, studies show that depression can accellerate heart disease as much as 8 years. I have had three and my first heart attack was at age 38 and I now have 25 stents.

Finally, if you are noticing an quick loss or gain in weight (I would lose up to 30lbs within a week before the big crash finally came) then get help immediately. Your body is quite literally being inundated with such high levels of cortisol you reach the point where you constantly feel tired but cannot sleep. If you have went more than 1 week with little or not sleep, now is the time to jump in and address this thing. I know people hate the SSRIs, but sometimes you have to take a bitter pill to stop something which can kill you or cause you so many health problems it will take you a long time to recover.

So don't be afraid to take the plunge if you fit the bill above. Once you start feeling better and are on SSRIs for some time you can stop them by weaning off, but if the depression returns I would look at other causes such as unstable mood disorder.

Also, if the SSRI begins to work like a miracle immediately, then unstable mood disorder should be looked at with a vengeance. My doctor wrote a book titled Roller Coaster which describes this list of maladies that go all the way from mild to Bipolar. I was lucky and clonazepam, used for mild cases, works wonders for me and I have never even come close to another depression in five years. His name is Dr. Paul Putmann. His book can be found on Amazon.

One thing he is a stickler for is to stay away from stimulants - nicotine and caffeine. The darker the roast the less caffeine. And decaffeinated coffee still has 10% caffeine. I don't follow his no caffeine rule, but I do find if I drink too much I will often experience anxiety attacks (not panic attacks like I used to).

BTW - have you had ANY anxiety attacks, panic attacks, body tingling, or have you even started falling asleep or awoke with full body or near full body paralysis? If so, this is another sign you are almost up against the brick wall and hitting bottom.

At one point I did suffer from a breakdown in one case. Over a four day period I lost all muscle mass and became so weak that I required a velcro weight belt around my mid-section just to support my diaphragm so I could breathe. No test could explain what was happening to me (over $40,000 worth of tests). I went from doing 100 pushups to barely being able to do 10 and lost a vast amount of weight. Six months later after starting anti-depressants (Zoloft at over the max level - 200mg/day) I spontaneously recovered. I quite literally went to be one night and woke up the next feeling stronger and it was all uphill from there.

Depression can cause a whole lost of shit to happen to your body. Doctors don't quite understand what is happening, but on doctor - Chorosus I believe his name is, came up with a theory. I won't describe it here, but it basically is a breakdown of the bodies feedback mechanism for cortisol release and then suppression that involves the hypothalamus, pituitary, adrenals, and also through the hippo-campus. Once this breaks down you will find cortisol levels remain very high and never go down. One result of this was a severe decreases in bone density for me.

Good luck.

 

[james2012]

I bet my stress levels are also very high. This cannot be healthy. I feel so sorry for myself.
I made too many false decisions and now it seems like everything is ruined. Do you know how depressing it is when you study something which is practically useless and you have no goal and no vision what you could do with it? This is just terrible. It makes me feel so worthless and useless. Everybody else who studied something real or even a baker or a butcher knows exactly what he wants to do later on. He can use his knowledge but I feel like the crap which I have to learn is totally useless.
Mosts doctor who I go to who ask me what I study and then want to know what one can do with it and then I stand there like a fool not knowing what to say. It's like they all think WTF is this guy doing with this crap? Why does he study this shit?
And the worst is that the others who study with me like this crap. I ask myself how in the world can somebody really be interested in this? I totally despise it and have to force myself to read articles and texts but when you're not interested in something then you also cannot be good at it.

I always felt like I'm simply not strong enough to make it in life. School is not comparable to studying and the pressure you have there but I also didn't want to just get a job because I was also afraid of this so I thought studying is my only option. But I never really knew what I should study and so I ended up studying this worthless crap.

Can you guys at least understand me? How could I not be totally depressed and hopeless?
I simply lost everything. I lost my health. 10 years ago I thought I'm healthy and now it's all messed up. Back then I didn't have all the problems and pains I have now. I also didn't have the floaters or the skin eczemas and I also didn't know about the genetic syndrome back then. Back then I still thought maybe I could have a nice life and now it's all ruined. How can you keep going and keep doing stuff which you hate when at the same time you're sick and feel like everything is totally senseless? I have nothing in my life which I like. I liked working out but I also cannot do this anymore and I also don't have the motivation for this anymore. What sense does working out make when you're reminded of having a genetical syndrome every day? I cannot even ignore it because I have hundreds of fibromas on my upper body and within the past few years they number has increased a lot.

And then also the fear of the future and all the pressure because of studying. I feel like I'm standing in front of an abyss. Every time I see a poor person I think about my situation and think that my whole life depends on wether I can get the diploma or not. How could I simply be cool and relaxed and not be under pressure when everything is so serious? When you're 20 and study something which sucks then you can switch but not when you're 30. It's too late for that. There is no way back now. And my father also said it that if I can't finish it this time then I can as well buy myself a rope and he meant it. I always feel like I'm standing at the edge and everything depends on me and the whole burden is on my shoulders. And my parents also simply expect me to make it but what if I don't? What if I cannot deal with the pressure? What do I do then? And I can't even talk about this with anyone. The times in the past where I brought this up to my parents they always told me that I simply gotta make it but this crap doesn't help me it only makes the pressure worse. Even typing this is totally upsetting for me. I am so tired of suffering. I'm somebody who cannot deal well with pressure and if I had had a choice I would have quit this shit long time ago but I had no more choice. I was told this is my last chance. Either study this or get a job and I was afraid of the job world out there. I felt like I'm mentally too weak to deal with this and so I rather studied. I'm simply weak and afraid and not strong at all. I had to do a practical course during the semester holidays a few years ago and where I worked I had trouble with the boss there and the whole situation dragged me down so much that I wanted to quit. Other people would just have thought that the boss is simply an ass and not have been affected by this but I felt so uncomfortable at work and even when I was at home I still suffered from it and counted the remaining days. What I'm trying to say is that I'm simply so weak and feel more like a child and not like a man and it has always been this way and that's why even many years ago I already was afraid and asked myself how I am supposed to survive on my own.

After reading this again, especially noting the feeling of hopelessness and an sense of dread I am going to go out on a limb and say that you are in very close to needing hospitalization or vigorous intervention. Find a psychiatrist now. You must believe me when I say that I have been through the same thing. 44 years old with 25 stents and 4 heart attacks, low T, pressure and stress. It is very possible to deal with these things if you are equipped to do so - in other words if your mind is not turning against you. Human beings are very adaptive to many situations. I cannot tell you how many times I have felt like life was just not worth it anymore only to find out a few weeks later (after meds) that I was completely wrong. My aunt calls me often and thanks me over and over for starting her down the right path.

Here is a strong recommendation. If you can, find a group you can participate in that is guided by a trained professional. Do it now if you can't get an appointment with a psychiatrist for a month or more (it takes time sometimes to book one). It would be better if you have already started the meds before going so you can discuss your results and sides with the group. Move fast my friend. Your posts sound way to much like me when I was in the shit. You will look back and laugh at this one day and, like me, look at it as the best thing that has ever happened to you. Nothing like surviving a depression - if you can survive a major one there is nothing you cannot do. Your halfway in a tunnel with the light at one end and darkness on the other. You are stuck turning around and around trying to decide what to do. I highly suggest continuing to walk towards the light. You will reach it, but the decision to act - one of the hardest parts of what you are going through because it just seems like it takes so much energy - is a very big first step. You will probably start feeling better just by beginning the journey.

I just hears about an army ranger who lost his legs above the knee and complained that he could not even bend his knees because they were gone. The major slapped him lightly in the face and told him to quit having joint envy. This shock started him on a journey and he is doing just fine now. A little humor was all it took. Always remember that there are people out there who would trade places with you in a heartbeat. You are not only not alone, you are not the only person on the planet who is suffering although it feels that way.

When I studied Buddhism I came across a very interesting parable. A woman saw the Buddha sitting atop a hill overlooking her village. She had just lost her entire family. She came to the Buddha and said to him - please bring my family back to life so I can be happy. He told her he would do so if she could go down into the village and find a single person who had not lost something or someone that caused them pain. She came back later and told him, "Now, I understand" and walked away. The lesson here is that life itself is a journey. Don't compare yourself to others, but look at every low as an opportunity, an opportunity that will teach you that when you are out of that low, you will never again take the good times for granted, nor will you expect your life to only be full of good times. It is called equanimity - the ability to take the good with the bad without being attached to either. Life is to be experienced, and one should never over-think it. This is not to say don't make plans or have opinions, or fight for causes. It means stay detached from the outcome. Only then will you take the bad with the good with equal measures of mindfulness. This mindfulness is really the goal of most meditations and yoga. When you are ready, I would recommend taking up one or the other - or both. It will take years, but you notice a fundamental shift in how you perceive the world around you.

 

[Structure]

If the situation is dire, something like meditation will not help you. Meditation is a long-term solution to understand your emotions and where they come from - how they can ebb and flow. For a person who is in a depression, meditation can actually cause you to get worse.

gmerit:

I disagree. The OP's situation is not dire, rather it is his anxiety and depression that is making his situation dire. This guy needs help learning to reframe what is happening in his life, and needs to be able to turn off the part of his brain that is causing him to become so anxious, stressed, and depressed.

His posts are very much indicative of this. Meditation can (and does) help people learn to stop these obsessive / destructive thinking patterns. There's no truth to meditation making these destructive patterns worse; meditation is about turning your overactive brain off.

dalbert:

When you're depressed, you simply cannot see any flaw in your own thinking; you believe that it is hopeless, and that's just the end of it. After coming out of depression, you think to yourself "How could I have honestly believed that my life was over just because of X, Y and Z?"

The truth of the matter is that your life is pretty normal --- EVERYONE HAS A STORY. Everyone has some kind of adversity. Some people have a genetic disorder, some people get cancer, some people get into car accidents and carry scars on their bodies for the rest of their lives. Everyone has something. A friend of mine has neurofibromatosis. She's covered in neurofibromas. She's married and has kids. In other words, she's doing just fine.

Stress, depression, and anxiety make you feel like there's no way out. These feelings are false. Learn to distrust these feelings.

Here's another perspective (and I promise you, it's more accurate than the one you've been writing about)

1. There is no reason why you can't live a perfectly happy life with floaters and fibromas. Sure, they're annoying, but they're not the end of the world. Floaters don't make you blind, and eventually you'll stop caring about them entirely.
2. You'll eventually finish your paper, and then there will be no more paper to worry about. It is only temporary. Make a joke of it for yourself, and print out a second copy of the paper. Keep it next to the toilet, and wipe your ass with it. You will see that this paper was really just a small thing that, once finished, will never bother you again.
3. Finals come and go. Regardless of how well you do on them, you're still going to be able to move forward in school. Some semesters, you'll do great, others not so great. Even if you fail some classes, it's not going to permanently stop you. You'll just take the classes again. My point is that these setbacks are not insurmountable. If your dad is a dick about it, then so be it, he's a dick. But you will go on just fine.
4. There are other forms of exercise you can do in your current condition. Just walking on a treadmill with a decent incline for one hour can burn 600+ calories. If you don't like the treadmill, there's the elliptical machine or just plain old-fashioned hiking or jogging. Ab workouts are great. And as I mentioned earlier, there's yoga too. I haven't been able to work out using my upper body for the last six months because of problems with my wrists, and I'm doing just fine. Getting a little bit of daily exercise can help your body feel better. Just don't overdo it.

I agree with gmerit that you should probably seek counseling, not so much to talk about your problems, but to seek help turning off your brain. Your anxiety and depression are the problem, not your medical condition or the stress of daily life. Everyone has adversity in life, but not everyone deals with it in the same way. I think your problem is how you are dealing with it.

 

[james2012]

gmerit:

I disagree. The OP's situation is not dire, rather it is his anxiety and depression that is making his situation dire. This guy needs help learning to reframe what is happening in his life, and needs to be able to turn off the part of his brain that is causing him to become so anxious, stressed, and depressed.

His posts are very much indicative of this. Meditation can (and does) help people learn to stop these obsessive / destructive thinking patterns. There's no truth to meditation making these destructive patterns worse; meditation is about turning your overactive brain off.

dalbert:

When you're depressed, you simply cannot see any flaw in your own thinking; you believe that it is hopeless, and that's just the end of it. After coming out of depression, you think to yourself "How could I have honestly believed that my life was over just because of X, Y and Z?"

The truth of the matter is that your life is pretty normal --- EVERYONE HAS A STORY. Everyone has some kind of adversity. Some people have a genetic disorder, some people get cancer, some people get into car accidents and carry scars on their bodies for the rest of their lives. Everyone has something. A friend of mine has neurofibromatosis. She's covered in neurofibromas. She's married and has kids. In other words, she's doing just fine.

Stress, depression, and anxiety make you feel like there's no way out. These feelings are false. Learn to distrust these feelings.

Here's another perspective (and I promise you, it's more accurate than the one you've been writing about)

1. There is no reason why you can't live a perfectly happy life with floaters and fibromas. Sure, they're annoying, but they're not the end of the world. Floaters don't make you blind, and eventually you'll stop caring about them entirely.
2. You'll eventually finish your paper, and then there will be no more paper to worry about. It is only temporary. Make a joke of it for yourself, and print out a second copy of the paper. Keep it next to the toilet, and wipe your ass with it. You will see that this paper was really just a small thing that, once finished, will never bother you again.
3. Finals come and go. Regardless of how well you do on them, you're still going to be able to move forward in school. Some semesters, you'll do great, others not so great. Even if you fail some classes, it's not going to permanently stop you. You'll just take the classes again. My point is that these setbacks are not insurmountable. If your dad is a dick about it, then so be it, he's a dick. But you will go on just fine.
4. There are other forms of exercise you can do in your current condition. Just walking on a treadmill with a decent incline for one hour can burn 600+ calories. If you don't like the treadmill, there's the elliptical machine or just plain old-fashioned hiking or jogging. Ab workouts are great. And as I mentioned earlier, there's yoga too. I haven't been able to work out using my upper body for the last six months because of problems with my wrists, and I'm doing just fine. Getting a little bit of daily exercise can help your body feel better. Just don't overdo it.

I agree with gmerit that you should probably seek counseling, not so much to talk about your problems, but to seek help turning off your brain. Your anxiety and depression are the problem, not your medical condition or the stress of daily life. Everyone has adversity in life, but not everyone deals with it in the same way. I think your problem is how you are dealing with it.

Structure, I'm going by my own personal experience and a warning I received from a psychologist who said even under supervision he would not recommend it. The mind is not equipped to handle it. The worse thing for a depressed person to do is to be alone with their own thoughts. Negative thoughts for a depressed person feed on themselves in an obsessive-compulsive way. I completely agree with you that long-term meditation is probably one of the most underused tools in one's arsenal in today's society, but the history of meditation shows that even mentally healthy subjects can flip out during meditation. The one time I did have what is called a Satori experience (melting of body and mind) it was awesome and pretty freaky at the same time.

 

[Structure]

Structure, I'm going by my own personal experience and a warning I received from a psychologist who said even under supervision he would not recommend it. The mind is not equipped to handle it. The worse thing for a depressed person to do is to be alone with their own thoughts. Negative thoughts for a depressed person feed on themselves in an obsessive-compulsive way. I completely agree with you that long-term meditation is probably one of the most underused tools in one's arsenal in today's society, but the history of meditation shows that even mentally healthy subjects can flip out during meditation. The one time I did have what is called a Satori experience (melting of body and mind) it was awesome and pretty freaky at the same time.

I see where you are coming from. I agree that it's not a good idea to try meditation without training. If you don't know how to properly clear the mind, then sitting alone in silence while depressed is a pretty great way to give your obsessive / destructive thoughts even more energy.

The assumption is that the OP would be learning meditation from someone experienced in using it to control anxiety. There are a lot of counselors that are using meditative techniques to control anxiety.

This is one case where I think that Eastern medicine has it right; the Buddhists have been using the mind to control its excesses for a long time. The west is just now catching up...

 

[james2012]

I see where you are coming from. I agree that it's not a good idea to try meditation without training. If you don't know how to properly clear the mind, then sitting alone in silence while depressed is a pretty great way to give your obsessive / destructive thoughts even more energy.

The assumption is that the OP would be learning meditation from someone experienced in using it to control anxiety. There are a lot of counselors that are using meditative techniques to control anxiety.

This is one case where I think that Eastern medicine has it right; the Buddhists have been using the mind to control its excesses for a long time. The west is just now catching up...

Structure, I love meditation. You idea of doing it in a controlled setting is a good one. Given the posts, I think emergency intervention is still required in this case as meditation does take some time to have an effect.

 

[dalbert]

Hello,

lots of stuff to reply to.

@ gmerit

Yes I had anxiety attacks in the past but not so many. I don't get full blown anxiety
attacks anymore. Now I simply feel hopeless and like losing my mind but that's not like
an anxiety attack.

I don't medicate myself. I also don't feel like hurting others. The worst is simply those
moments where I feel all this pressure and just wish I could run away from it or at least talk about it and I can't. My father really has no clue. I am amazed at this. I mean he knows or should know that I have the genetic syndrome and that I have the floaters and that I am under huge pressure with studying and then he attacks me when I'm in a bad mood or asks me
why I never smile. How can he seriously ask me this shit? Does he not get anything? Really this makes me angry!
I really don't know what is going on in his mind. How the fuck could I be happy and smile when everything sucks?
All people in my family are in miserable shape! It's not just me. I am exposed to this every day and also worry about others and ask myself how shall I get along when I'm alone one day? And my father also sometimes talks about dying and that he maybe he has a few years left and that nothing really matters and stuff like that. How could this not affect me?
My grandmother is also almost 100 years old and I know that if she died it would be very dangerous because I don't know how my father would deal with this he already has a heart disease. These are all things which are connected and which simply give me the strong impression that everything is fragile and could collapse at any time!
I am totally dependent on my parents and couldn't make it on my own. Other people in my age usually do not have so many issues. Most of the people I went to school with already have jobs!! Compared to them I feel really bad. And I bet most others in my age also have more healthy parents and not so much crap to worry about.
I really don't know how somebody could not be depressed by such a situation unless he was totally cold and didn't care. I hate it when the family is together on birthday or christmas because on such days I am always depressed and only think about death and how everything is unstable.

I wouldn't go to a mental clinic. My mother was there for 6 months. They totally fucked her up. They pumped her full with shit. She even got a heart muscle infection as a side effect of all the drugs they gave her.
She was sent home after 6 months of being there and talking to psychologists and doing all the shit you do there and did it help her or cure her? No. She has totally changed. She is still on drugs and she looks pathetic. She is not herself anymore.
Her whole mimic and posture changed. It's like her ability to think has also decreased. She seems absent and watches totally retarded crap on TV ALL DAY!
All she does is sit in front of the TV all day and watch retarded reality shows which are totally depressing. The 6 months in the clinic fixed nothing. She hardly leaves the house anymore. She has totally lost her old life. Now what kind of huge "help" was this? They only made her become dependent on drugs. What if she gets off them one day? Then there is a huge change that her paranoid thoughts come back and that she's in the clinic again. I know how this works. Most people who go to such a clinic once usually come back and they're fucked up forever.
I am also totally disappointed of the psychologist who treated her there. He was such a joke and totally unable to help her or maybe even unwilling. He only talked about superficial things and never really tried to get to the root of her problems.

The worst is not being able to talk to anyone. I couldn't talk about this with my father he would only tell me stuff like you need to make it or if you don't make it you can as well kill yourself.
I really don't know what he's thinking when he says such a crap. He also has no feeling at all for when a person is despaired. Before my mother went to the clinic she was in bad shape and to me and others it was clear that she is in danger and she had also expressed suicidal thoughts and I told my father about it and he just said he doesn't believe this and that she wouldn't do that.

I am just writing this to give you an impression of how my life is. I only see depressing things and have nothing which I like or which would make me happy. My whole thoughts turn around studying and wether I can withstand the pressure or not.
I cannot go to a clinic and also wouldn't do it. I'm not gonna let anyone pump this crap in me and turn me into a mindless
robot. If this is the solution then I don't want it because this is no solution at all.
All these people do is use you as guinea pig and try one drug after the other on you. My mother was constantly on new drugs because she got side effects and then they had to switch to something else.
They only mask the problem. This is the same as putting someone with terrible pain in a coma. What kind of solution is this?


@ structure


I wish I could take my problems so lightly but not everyone has problems like me. The people I study with are maybe 8 years younger than me. They know they could fail and still simply study something new. They do not have this insane pressure which I have. I feel like my whole life depends on wether I can finish it or not and this depends all on the final exams. Everything depends on how well you do on 6 different exams. This is insane. All the tests you write during all the years basically count nothing! This isn't like in school where all the tests in the last 2 years count and where the pressure isn't so big because you know that you have already collected some good marks.
My fears simply make it all much worse. I think about the exams and ask myself what kind of stuff could they ask and worry if they might ask stuff which I cannot answer or if they might ask things which I don't know anymore because theoretically the examiner can ask you anything he wants he does not have to stick to the plan he can even ask you stuff from the 1. semester!
And I do not know this crap anymore and cannot learn it all anew.
I have also had it that I learned a lot for tests and had tons of stuff memorized and then during the test I was so upset that I could not remember most of it anymore! This is also something which scares me.

I have always been afraid of exams and of failing. I feel totally miserable and weak in those moments. Other people do not seem to have these problems. In the past I also went to a psychologist and he also said something like that he doesn't think I will ever finish anything. What if I am simply not strong enough to cope with this pressure knowing that so much depends on it? I don't know what to do. I could not go to a doctor and tell him all this stuff. This would be way too awkward for me and another problem would be that if this doctor reacted totally shocked and this way confirmed me in my own impression that my situation is terribly serious then this would make me feel even more lost! I mean when I go to doctors then they ask me what I study and what I want to do with this and I know exactly what they think. They all ask themselves what someone is supposed to do with this worthless shit. This doesn't build me up at all. I feel like I ruined everything. I lost my health which wasn't my fault but making all these bad decisions was my fault.

I also would not want to take antidepressants and then possibly end up like my mother. I do not trust these drugs. They have tons of side effects and can even make persons aggressive or suicidal. I don't want to take something which could make my depressions worse this is a risk I cannot take. If there was something safe out there without side effects I would take it.
But I know exactly if I went to a doctor he would simply prescribe me something like prozac and I don't want to take this. I read very negative things about drugs like prozac. I don't want to pump this chemical crap in me and then not know what happens next.

 

[james2012]

Hello,

lots of stuff to reply to.

@ gmerit

Yes I had anxiety attacks in the past but not so many. I don't get full blown anxiety
attacks anymore. Now I simply feel hopeless and like losing my mind but that's not like
an anxiety attack.

I don't medicate myself. I also don't feel like hurting others. The worst is simply those
moments where I feel all this pressure and just wish I could run away from it or at least talk about it and I can't. My father really has no clue. I am amazed at this. I mean he knows or should know that I have the genetic syndrome and that I have the floaters and that I am under huge pressure with studying and then he attacks me when I'm in a bad mood or asks me
why I never smile. How can he seriously ask me this shit? Does he not get anything? Really this makes me angry!
I really don't know what is going on in his mind. How the fuck could I be happy and smile when everything sucks?
All people in my family are in miserable shape! It's not just me. I am exposed to this every day and also worry about others and ask myself how shall I get along when I'm alone one day? And my father also sometimes talks about dying and that he maybe he has a few years left and that nothing really matters and stuff like that. How could this not affect me?
My grandmother is also almost 100 years old and I know that if she died it would be very dangerous because I don't know how my father would deal with this he already has a heart disease. These are all things which are connected and which simply give me the strong impression that everything is fragile and could collapse at any time!
I am totally dependent on my parents and couldn't make it on my own. Other people in my age usually do not have so many issues. Most of the people I went to school with already have jobs!! Compared to them I feel really bad. And I bet most others in my age also have more healthy parents and not so much crap to worry about.
I really don't know how somebody could not be depressed by such a situation unless he was totally cold and didn't care. I hate it when the family is together on birthday or christmas because on such days I am always depressed and only think about death and how everything is unstable.

I wouldn't go to a mental clinic. My mother was there for 6 months. They totally fucked her up. They pumped her full with shit. She even got a heart muscle infection as a side effect of all the drugs they gave her.
She was sent home after 6 months of being there and talking to psychologists and doing all the shit you do there and did it help her or cure her? No. She has totally changed. She is still on drugs and she looks pathetic. She is not herself anymore.
Her whole mimic and posture changed. It's like her ability to think has also decreased. She seems absent and watches totally retarded crap on TV ALL DAY!
All she does is sit in front of the TV all day and watch retarded reality shows which are totally depressing. The 6 months in the clinic fixed nothing. She hardly leaves the house anymore. She has totally lost her old life. Now what kind of huge "help" was this? They only made her become dependent on drugs. What if she gets off them one day? Then there is a huge change that her paranoid thoughts come back and that she's in the clinic again. I know how this works. Most people who go to such a clinic once usually come back and they're fucked up forever.
I am also totally disappointed of the psychologist who treated her there. He was such a joke and totally unable to help her or maybe even unwilling. He only talked about superficial things and never really tried to get to the root of her problems.

The worst is not being able to talk to anyone. I couldn't talk about this with my father he would only tell me stuff like you need to make it or if you don't make it you can as well kill yourself.
I really don't know what he's thinking when he says such a crap. He also has no feeling at all for when a person is despaired. Before my mother went to the clinic she was in bad shape and to me and others it was clear that she is in danger and she had also expressed suicidal thoughts and I told my father about it and he just said he doesn't believe this and that she wouldn't do that.

I am just writing this to give you an impression of how my life is. I only see depressing things and have nothing which I like or which would make me happy. My whole thoughts turn around studying and wether I can withstand the pressure or not.
I cannot go to a clinic and also wouldn't do it. I'm not gonna let anyone pump this crap in me and turn me into a mindless
robot. If this is the solution then I don't want it because this is no solution at all.
All these people do is use you as guinea pig and try one drug after the other on you. My mother was constantly on new drugs because she got side effects and then they had to switch to something else.
They only mask the problem. This is the same as putting someone with terrible pain in a coma. What kind of solution is this?


@ structure


I wish I could take my problems so lightly but not everyone has problems like me. The people I study with are maybe 8 years younger than me. They know they could fail and still simply study something new. They do not have this insane pressure which I have. I feel like my whole life depends on wether I can finish it or not and this depends all on the final exams. Everything depends on how well you do on 6 different exams. This is insane. All the tests you write during all the years basically count nothing! This isn't like in school where all the tests in the last 2 years count and where the pressure isn't so big because you know that you have already collected some good marks.
My fears simply make it all much worse. I think about the exams and ask myself what kind of stuff could they ask and worry if they might ask stuff which I cannot answer or if they might ask things which I don't know anymore because theoretically the examiner can ask you anything he wants he does not have to stick to the plan he can even ask you stuff from the 1. semester!
And I do not know this crap anymore and cannot learn it all anew.
I have also had it that I learned a lot for tests and had tons of stuff memorized and then during the test I was so upset that I could not remember most of it anymore! This is also something which scares me.

I have always been afraid of exams and of failing. I feel totally miserable and weak in those moments. Other people do not seem to have these problems. In the past I also went to a psychologist and he also said something like that he doesn't think I will ever finish anything. What if I am simply not strong enough to cope with this pressure knowing that so much depends on it? I don't know what to do. I could not go to a doctor and tell him all this stuff. This would be way too awkward for me and another problem would be that if this doctor reacted totally shocked and this way confirmed me in my own impression that my situation is terribly serious then this would make me feel even more lost! I mean when I go to doctors then they ask me what I study and what I want to do with this and I know exactly what they think. They all ask themselves what someone is supposed to do with this worthless shit. This doesn't build me up at all. I feel like I ruined everything. I lost my health which wasn't my fault but making all these bad decisions was my fault.

I also would not want to take antidepressants and then possibly end up like my mother. I do not trust these drugs. They have tons of side effects and can even make persons aggressive or suicidal. I don't want to take something which could make my depressions worse this is a risk I cannot take. If there was something safe out there without side effects I would take it.
But I know exactly if I went to a doctor he would simply prescribe me something like prozac and I don't want to take this. I read very negative things about drugs like prozac. I don't want to pump this chemical crap in me and then not know what happens next.

Group therapy does not require you check into a hospital. SSRIs, if you are scared about their affects, then start with a low dose. I know folks who have went into institutions and yes, they drug the hell out of you - lithium, Valium, Thorazine, you name it. I am talking about taking it slowly with a low dose SSRI and bumping up (or stopping if you have side effects). I took 200mg/day of Zoloft for over 2 years and then stopped over a period of a month. This is higher than the maximum recommended dose. But they do something interesting - they promote neurogenesis in the hippocampus, which ultimately solves the cortisol feedback issue.

It sounds an awful lot to me that if you don't do something, you are inviting disaster. Start with 50mg of Zoloft. I have never heard of anyone having issues with a dosage so low. This was how my first major depression was treated and it worked just fine with no sides other than anorgasm, which went away after about 2 months.