I fucked up

[Jankauskas]

Im writing this as a manual of how not to make stupid decisions, and of how to not use anabolics (or any recreational drugs for that matter) as a crutch when the going gets tough.

Let’s start from the beginning:

A few months ago I met a girl (of course), and fell in love with her. I shouldn’t have, and she did warn me, but her actions towards me led me to believe that she was developing romantic feelings for me, and I thought It would be alright to let myself go, but boy was I wrong.

During this time I had started a cutting cycle, which yielded me great results, I was proud of myself, I had planned a 10 to 12 week cut, but by week 8 I was pretty much done since I achieved my goal.

Life was great, things seemed to be looking up, little did I know that I was about to go from king to peasant in the blink of an eye.

Sometime later, that person was out of my life, but I had managed to find another girl, who I promptly bedded, the other one was gone but oh well, that’s her loss I thought, I’m a fucking playboy. Sometime later, that second girl was gone too, I found yet another one, but this one was a hustler, and I was quickly done with her.

It was only when I found myself alone that it hit me: The woman that I loved was gone, and I would never see her again, and all of those moments and memories rushed in to torture me.

I was 5 weeks into my cruise. For some reason, maybe related, maybe not, my strength took a nosedive at the gym, and being through so much shit, plus restricting my calories during the cruise to avoid excessive fat gains, my head was in such a messed up state that I decided that the only way I could continue was if I went into a blast. And so I did.

I decided to kickstart it with 60mg of Dbol to take advantage of the rebound effect, and I immediately increased my calories from the low 2000s to around 7000. This was yet another dumb decision. My resting heart rate went from 60 to 100, and there it has stayed.

The rebound idea was great in theory, and I did gain 25 pounds in barely 2 weeks, plus another 15 over the course of 3 more, but of course there was a price :
Walking to the supermarket became a challenge akin to climbing Mount Everest, my joints went to shit, my tendons went to shit, my blood pressure too. The heart palpitations that were far gone have returned with a vengeance, today I got several over the course of a few minutes in the gym, my heart rate was sky high due to the rapid weight gain in combination with cns overtraining and extreme anxiety caused by the obsessive thoughts that I have about her (probably Tren). I thought I was gonna die, but I didn’t even care.
All I could think about was her.

Now I’m on week 7 of my cycle, strength has stalled for most, even dropping for some exercises, I feel destroyed mentally and physically, I don’t know if I will make it to the end of the week, I can’t train at this level anymore due to overtraining, I can’t eat anymore because my stomach is starting to refuse food and I think the gear is making me feel worse than I should.

A waste of time, money, effort and health.

So here is my lesson: don’t do fucking gear if your head isn’t right, It will only make things worse. I’m thinking of going into a cruise by the end of the week if I make it there, a long cruise, and do some introspection during that time, because I really need that.

Thanks for reading.

 

[MindlessWork]

Sorry for all that pain you went through all for a woman...and women are crafty creatures for sure who play on mens' emotions (and wallet).

Hope you find yourself again and get your head screwed straight back on.

 

[csalinas]

damn brother i just hope everything goes well from now

 

[MindlessWork]

The gym is also a good place to channel all those emotions too, like being angry will give you the energy to lift heavy.

 

[BigNattyDaddy]

I think we've all been in similar situations. @MindlessWork is right, the gym is a good stress reliever. Music helps too. And if you have a favorite comedian, listen to some of their material. Nothing beats laughing so hard that you cry. Good luck @Jankauskas.

 

[Jrock83]

Im writing this as a manual of how not to make stupid decisions, and of how to not use anabolics (or any recreational drugs for that matter) as a crutch when the going gets tough.

Let’s start from the beginning:

A few months ago I met a girl (of course), and fell in love with her. I shouldn’t have, and she did warn me, but her actions towards me led me to believe that she was developing romantic feelings for me, and I thought It would be alright to let myself go, but boy was I wrong.

During this time I had started a cutting cycle, which yielded me great results, I was proud of myself, I had planned a 10 to 12 week cut, but by week 8 I was pretty much done since I achieved my goal.

Life was great, things seemed to be looking up, little did I know that I was about to go from king to peasant in the blink of an eye.

Sometime later, that person was out of my life, but I had managed to find another girl, who I promptly bedded, the other one was gone but oh well, that’s her loss I thought, I’m a fucking playboy. Sometime later, that second girl was gone too, I found yet another one, but this one was a hustler, and I was quickly done with her.

It was only when I found myself alone that it hit me: The woman that I loved was gone, and I would never see her again, and all of those moments and memories rushed in to torture me.

I was 5 weeks into my cruise. For some reason, maybe related, maybe not, my strength took a nosedive at the gym, and being through so much shit, plus restricting my calories during the cruise to avoid excessive fat gains, my head was in such a messed up state that I decided that the only way I could continue was if I went into a blast. And so I did.

I decided to kickstart it with 60mg of Dbol to take advantage of the rebound effect, and I immediately increased my calories from the low 2000s to around 7000. This was yet another dumb decision. My resting heart rate went from 60 to 100, and there it has stayed.

The rebound idea was great in theory, and I did gain 25 pounds in barely 2 weeks, plus another 15 over the course of 3 more, but of course there was a price :
Walking to the supermarket became a challenge akin to climbing Mount Everest, my joints went to shit, my tendons went to shit, my blood pressure too. The heart palpitations that were far gone have returned with a vengeance, today I got several over the course of a few minutes in the gym, my heart rate was sky high due to the rapid weight gain in combination with cns overtraining and extreme anxiety caused by the obsessive thoughts that I have about her (probably Tren). I thought I was gonna die, but I didn’t even care.
All I could think about was her.

Now I’m on week 7 of my cycle, strength has stalled for most, even dropping for some exercises, I feel destroyed mentally and physically, I don’t know if I will make it to the end of the week, I can’t train at this level anymore due to overtraining, I can’t eat anymore because my stomach is starting to refuse food and I think the gear is making me feel worse than I should.

A waste of time, money, effort and health.

So here is my lesson: don’t do fucking gear if your head isn’t right, It will only make things worse. I’m thinking of going into a cruise by the end of the week if I make it there, a long cruise, and do some introspection during that time, because I really need that.

Thanks for reading.

Bro, I know we dont know each other, but this thread caught my eye and I read it. I'm sorry to hear you are going through this tough time. It's kinda scary how similar our situations are right now. I'm going through the EXACT same things, except mine involves the true love of my life...my wife. I'm also on some tren, and your right, tren can be pure evil if your head ain't right lol. I said all of that to say this...even though it doesnt seem like it right now, there is always a way out. Just remember it's not always on your timing and it doesnt always look like what you think it should...but the way out will present itself eventually I promise. God is as real as the air you breathe. Good luck...and get yourself healthy dude for real!

 

[Jankauskas]

Bro, I know we dont know each other, but this thread caught my eye and I read it. I'm sorry to hear you are going through this tough time. It's kinda scary how similar our situations are right now. I'm going through the EXACT same things, except mine involves the true love of my life...my wife. I'm also on some tren, and your right, tren can be pure evil if your head ain't right lol. I said all of that to say this...even though it doesnt seem like it right now, there is always a way out. Just remember it's not always on your timing and it doesnt always look like what you think it should...but the way out will present itself eventually I promise. God is as real as the air you breathe. Good luck...and get yourself healthy dude for real!

I really don't know what to say brother, even though I only had a few months with this girl I feel like someone ripped my heart through my chest, yet somehow I’m still live... I can’t imagine what it’s like to lose someone you have shared years of your life with...

I find myself waking up in the middle of the night to stalk her social media... And I obsess over the fact that she has been/hasn’t been with someone else.... The thought of her with another man makes my esophagus close faster and tighter than a nun’s asshole......

I feel like a sexual predator (ina a bad way) sometimes, and I think Tren is the culprit.... I think it enhances negative emotions, so you should only use it when your life is fucking A...

I don’t believe in god, but I do hope to see us both in a better light in the future... Peace man.

 

[Breakneck]

I'm 37 so I've been through my share of women. I'll add my thoughts on some of the comments on this...

I look back and I've definitely fucked over a few women when I was younger that were good people. It still bothers me I was ever like that esp when you get a little older and realize good people are few and far between.

I'm not the same person as I was then and you gotta realize you won't be the same person in the future either.

My advice with any relationship guilt is be honest with yourself with what happened. If you fucked up admit it to yourself, learn from it, do your grieving and you gotta move on with that lesson going forward.

Do not obsess over your mistakes. That was something I was hard on myself with in the past. All the lessons you end up learning the easy way and the hard way all benefit you going forward.
Be a better person and the shit times become a story you tell once in the future.

 

[Jankauskas]

I've definitely fucked over a few women when I was younger

I didn’t fuck her over, what happened was that before we started hanging out she told me she was going to leave in a couple of months, it was supposed to be a hook up, but things played out differently and we started to get attached. Out of fear, and because she didn’t know how to deal with the situation I believe due to her young age (early 20s) she decided that stirring up shit with me for no reason would be a way to keep us distanced. She even admitted that to me to some extent, and it’s one of the things that leaves me bitter....

when you get a little older and realize good people are few and far between.

I have already learned this lesson, and I tried to make her see that. I tried to be a good man and show her that I could be a good partner, but I guess that she is too young to understand or recognize the value of that. I think that these days society relies too much on the belief that in the end “everything is gonna be ok”.

Lost a lover? No problem, you will find a better one.

Lost a job? Their loss, you will be much better in the end, because “everything will work itself out”....

Only that it won’t, it will work itself out if you are lucky, if you aren’t, you will spend the rest of your life ruminating on the mistakes you made while awaiting for the “better days” that never come.

 

[Breakneck]

I didn't mean my mistakes were the ones you made here. I was just trying to state that I been through all kinds of shit with women.

It sounds like it was her who fucked you over here. You moved on before you could process your feelings and they came back on you twofold. That's ok. That's normal.

The "it'll be ok" part is true. If you want things to be ok and you work towards that you will make new chapters for yourself.

Bro I moved to Florida with a girl I dated FOR 7 FUCKING YEARS. I left a job making $50,000 a year and me and her moved to Florida to start over completely. It was something she always wanted to do and I would've moved anywhere in the world with her at that time.
Long story short a few months into our lease an emergency came up and I would have to move back to our hometown after the lease was up.
I talked with her and wanted to make plans for when 18 months were up when she said "I'm not moving back with you. I'm staying here." I was crushed bro. It tore my heart out.
Here I was willing to move ANYWHERE for her and thought she would've done the same for me. I had to live with that until the lease ran up knowing what the endgame was gonna be.

I look back at that and that was over a decade ago and my feelings are how stupid I was for ever doing that in the first place. I paid for everything and as soon as she got what she always wanted it was fuck me and there was nothing I could do. It was such a snake move I NEVER thought she would've pulled. I would've stupidly bet my life on it at the time.

Bro it gets better. I actually am happy it happened. I would've hated to be with a bitch that didn't feel the way for me than I did for her. I still had good times but bro work on yourself. You didn't do anything wrong here so get yourself together and see that. Process your feelings. Take some time and go forward.

 

[Jankauskas]

I didn't mean my mistakes were the ones you made here. I was just trying to state that I been through all kinds of shit with women.

It sounds like it was her who fucked you over here. You moved on before you could process your feelings and they came back on you twofold. That's ok. That's normal.

The "it'll be ok" part is true. If you want things to be ok and you work towards that you will make new chapters for yourself.

Bro I moved to Florida with a girl I dated FOR 7 FUCKING YEARS. I left a job making $50,000 a year and me and her moved to Florida to start over completely. It was something she always wanted to do and I would've moved anywhere in the world with her at that time.
Long story short a few months into our lease an emergency came up and I would have to move back to our hometown after the lease was up.
I talked with her and wanted to make plans for when 18 months were up when she said "I'm not moving back with you. I'm staying here." I was crushed bro. It tore my heart out.
Here I was willing to move ANYWHERE for her and thought she would've done the same for me. I had to live with that until the lease ran up knowing what the endgame was gonna be.

I look back at that and that was over a decade ago and my feelings are how stupid I was for ever doing that in the first place. I paid for everything and as soon as she got what she always wanted it was fuck me and there was nothing I could do. It was such a snake move I NEVER thought she would've pulled. I would've stupidly bet my life on it at the time.

Bro it gets better. I actually am happy it happened. I would've hated to be with a bitch that didn't feel the way for me than I did for her. I still had good times but bro work on yourself. You didn't do anything wrong here so get yourself together and see that. Process your feelings. Take some time and go forward.

Man that’s some fucked up shit you have been through right there, but I know better than to trust a woman. I never trust them 100%, I have even told a few that I didn’t trust them, because It’s something that’s impossible for me.

I don’t know if the fault is my own but I only seem to attract shit. It’s always lies, deceit, and bitches trying to take advantage of me, how can I trust them, hell I barely trust my own mother.

 

[nervje]

Man that’s some fucked up shit you have been through right there, but I know better than to trust a woman. I never trust them 100%, I have even told a few that I didn’t trust them, because It’s something that’s impossible for me.

I don’t know if the fault is my own but I only seem to attract shit. It’s always lies, deceit, and bitches trying to take advantage of me, how can I trust them, hell I barely trust my own mother.

Well obviously most women aint worth shit. I met a girl who i cut off and she acted like it really hurt her, well not even a week later i found out shes already got a new guy.
Not to mention all the exes i had.
Tbh im one of those who think "it will be better anyways" because afterwards, i really do not believe that any woman ive been with or met was "the one" .
In the meantime actually i dont think theres "the one". Too many women out there, it just hurts heavily on some, but there will be others who make you feel at least as good as your previous "best girl" made you feel.
If you say youre overtrained, take a week off. Or do light training. Go onto a cruise.
I have a thread in the general section about a girl too, its called smtg like 'a girl broke my spirit'.
I met her and after 2 weeks i was so heavily "in love"; it crushed me when she told me she has feelings for her ex.
I was on 1g+ of tren there.
I did the exact same, stalk her on social media in hopes of not seeing hee with her ex or another guy (she did upload pics in her exes flattho) and all that shit.
Backed down on tren to 700mg a week and felt much better, headwise.
Now im about to date a few other girls and feel much better, i can concentrate on my job again and all that, because with that woman i already felt how i do not give a fuck about anything else.
Tren and women are a horrible combo.
Youll make it, now for your first big goal, concentrate on your job career, and fix your body again. Take a small cruise, only test, let your body flush out all other aas, then go back into either cutting or bulking slowly. See it as a small new start.

 

[Blitz Comet]

Damn man. I've been there. I'm a madman when I'm on tren so I can definitely relate. Hope shit gets better for you, remember to live on the now and forget the past. Make goals for the future.

 

[luex]

I’ve been in the same shoes as you pretty much..with the whole girl situation..I dated a chick for 5 years and it ended and I pounded tons of girls afterwards...it almost soothed my beaten spirit for the time being but as time progressed I just got more sad thinking none of these girls could replace her- boy was I wrong- I’ve been with a girl for a while now and I’m more happy than I’ve ever been...we moved in together and are deeply in love with eachother...the point I’m trying to make is things WILL get better believe it or not..don’t give up man. There’s definitely more women out there- don’t stop searching.

 

[Jankauskas]

Today I walked to the pharmacy to get my bp and hr checked, it’s a 10minute walk. Checked my bp it was 130/140 over 90, but my heart rate was in the 120s. Should I just drop the gear immediately? I had a huge meal about 1hour before, maybe that could be the cause, but I’m so lost I don’t even know what the fuck to do anymore...

 

[brutus79]

Dude... I think you need meds. I can't tell if you are a hypochondriac, manic depressive or what. You have a burden of first world problems. Be glad you have money, a job, you don't live in a war torn country, you aren't being raped in prison, you don't have children dying of leukemia - the list of things that could be so much worse is fucking staggering. Snap out of it. Be a man. Have some perspective.

I have fucked over so many good girls over the course of my life I wouldn't even be able to begin to guess how many... but you know what? There are 370 million people in this country. Almost 200 million women. Even if you are so picky you would only fuck one in 20 of them that's 10 million fuckable chicks. You sound like a 13 year old girl coming off a Disney binge- there is no such thing as the one and only.... anyone who is married to the girl they love for 30 years who might argue with me... if she got hit by a truck you would be banging someone else inside a year. Save it.

You have high BP after walking in the sun and you are sad because some chick you plowed for 6 weeks is gone? What in the actual fuck dude. You have a lot to be grateful for.

 

[Jankauskas]

Dude... I think you need meds. I can't tell if you are a hypochondriac, manic depressive or what. You have a burden of first world problems. Be glad you have money, a job, you don't live in a war torn country, you aren't being raped in prison, you don't have children dying of leukemia - the list of things that could be so much worse is fucking staggering. Snap out of it. Be a man. Have some perspective.

I have fucked over so many good girls over the course of my life I wouldn't even be able to begin to guess how many... but you know what? There are 370 million people in this country. Almost 200 million women. Even if you are so picky you would only fuck one in 20 of them that's 10 million fuckable chicks. You sound like a 13 year old girl coming off a Disney binge- there is no such thing as the one and only.... anyone who is married to the girl they love for 30 years who might argue with me... if she got hit by a truck you would be banging someone else inside a year. Save it.

You have high BP after walking in the sun and you are sad because some chick you plowed for 6 weeks is gone? What in the actual fuck dude. You have a lot to be grateful for.

I just love that mindset of “just because someone has it worse than you you can never be depressed” mentality, by the same metrics you should never be truly happy because there is always someone out there happier than you.

Also love the fact that you take pride on having “fucked over so many good girls”, but don’t worry my friend, one day it will come back to you, of that you can be certain.

If you got so bothered by my post that you cared enough to post a wall of hateful text, maybe you are the one that just came out of a Disney binge. I would up my AI just in case if I were you.

 

[Dw725]

Dude... I think you need meds. I can't tell if you are a hypochondriac, manic depressive or what. You have a burden of first world problems. Be glad you have money, a job, you don't live in a war torn country, you aren't being raped in prison, you don't have children dying of leukemia - the list of things that could be so much worse is fucking staggering. Snap out of it. Be a man. Have some perspective.

I have fucked over so many good girls over the course of my life I wouldn't even be able to begin to guess how many... but you know what? There are 370 million people in this country. Almost 200 million women. Even if you are so picky you would only fuck one in 20 of them that's 10 million fuckable chicks. You sound like a 13 year old girl coming off a Disney binge- there is no such thing as the one and only.... anyone who is married to the girl they love for 30 years who might argue with me... if she got hit by a truck you would be banging someone else inside a year. Save it.

You have high BP after walking in the sun and you are sad because some chick you plowed for 6 weeks is gone? What in the actual fuck dude. You have a lot to be grateful for.

I'm glad someone else said it. Reading this I just kept thinking some of this shit is just fucking corny. It doesn't even seem believable it's do dramatic.

I hate to use this term, but OP sounds like true beta male.

Maybe I'm just insensitive.


Also, I'd like to see some sort of breakdown that you ate a legitimate 7k calories a day for any extended time. That's an ass load of food, even if it's fast food and garbage junk foods.

 

[Jankauskas]

I'm glad someone else said it. Reading this I just kept thinking some of this shit is just fucking corny. It doesn't even seem believable it's do dramatic.

I hate to use this term, but OP sounds like true beta male.

Maybe I'm just insensitive.


Also, I'd like to see some sort of breakdown that you ate a legitimate 7k calories a day for any extended time. That's an ass load of food, even if it's fast food and garbage junk foods.

Listen man, if you and the other guy that posted before you are such fucking champions that you never got fucked over by woman in your lives, or got fucked over and didn’t care, good for you man, you are truly alpha males. But it seems like for me and other normal people it’s something that happens sometimes. If you don’t want to participate in the discussion, why don’t you take a fucking hike? There’s a lot of other threads for you to shit on man.

 

[RowdyGrunt]

I just love that mindset of “just because someone has it worse than you you can never be depressed” mentality, by the same metrics you should never be truly happy because there is always someone out there happier than you.

Also love the fact that you take pride on having “fucked over so many good girls”, but don’t worry my friend, one day it will come back to you, of that you can be certain.

If you got so bothered by my post that you cared enough to post a wall of hateful text, maybe you are the one that just came out of a Disney binge. I would up my AI just in case if I were you.

Bro, I think that you're taking @brutus79 post a little harder than you should. His post is the tough love version of good advice.

I truly am sorry for what you're feeling. A LOT of us have been through it. Many can lay part of the blame on tren. Man... I almost went on a warpath on that shit. And I'm an Army Infantry combat vet; I know what a warpath is!

That said, you were messing with your internal juices. You did get emotionally tied, while on gear; and it all changed when you changed. In the process, you did cause your BP and heart rate to soar. I was in the same shoes as far as the BP and heartrate. It required meds and cardio (anaerobically specifically) to get it to go away. And when that shit got brough back to norm, the anxiety's went away like they never existed.

You do need to take stock in what you have done in this situation, to get you were you are brother. Don't take it hard when someone give it to you from a raw advice stand point. It does come from a place of concern. This too shall pass man.

It'll just take focusing on getting your internals settled. Seriously.
Get BP meds, a beta blocker, and you will almost instantly feel better. I'm speaking from experience from past messes I've made.

And do not forget: The problems we have in this country, are truly first world problems.