Several shills from the UK have come to Meso over the last few weeks to push UK-based Gentech labs. Since Gentech and the English shills have shown such a strong interest in America, I think it's only fitting that they should feel at home. Therefore, I extend the following:
NOTICE OF INVITATION TO BECOME THE FIFTY-FIRST STATE
To the subjects of the bankrupt socialist monarchy formerly
known as the British Empire: In light of your failure to
remain a world power, and in sympathy with your plight as
a laughing-stock on the world scene, the citizens of the
United States of America do hereby formally invite you
to renounce your ostentatious and unbearably pompous attitude
and your laughable devotion to a "royal" family which can
at best be generously described as a waste of biomass and
join the mightiest nation on the face of the earth as the
provisional fifty-first State.
Of course, some adjustments in the way you conduct yourselves
will certainly be necessary; for instance, sausages are to be
eaten only at breakfast, and not more than twice per week.
"Tea time" is hereby canceled in favor of the occasional
Coke or Pepsi; citizens of the USA actually *work* most
of their waking hours, and no time is allotted for sipping
lukewarm pee-water from dainty little cups with your pinkies
in the air. You will need to make a slight adjustment in
your taste in reading material; magazines such as "Splosh,"
"Bum," and "Spank" will no longer be available. A short
refresher course in the language of world commerce (American)
will also be required; a "boot" is something worn on the
foot to keep the damp away, a "bonnet" is what your granny
wears to church, a "lift" is what you get from drinking
Mountain Dew, a "bum" is a slovenly rascal who solicits
spare change to buy beer with, "Parliament" is a brand
of cigarettes (no, you may *not* call them "fags," that
word is reserved for something else entirely, more on that
later), you will watch the news on a "TV set" rather than
a "telly" (and you will enjoy the several hundred
channels which are available in most areas of the US,
and not pay taxes nor purchase a license to own such a
device, either) and you will cease calling a truck a
"lorry" or a toilet a "loo." Further, you will drink your
beer ice cold (the way God and Adolph Coors intended)
and you will regard any such beverage which is darker
than a grocery sack as industrial waste. Anyone caught
driving on the lefthand side of the roadway will be
summarily flattened into the pavement by an 18-wheeler.
(Look it up.)
A word on the proper spelling of American words...since
you insist on putting a useless U into words such as
"color" and "flavor," and using an S where a Z is
called for in words such as "atomizer," all of you must be
re-educated as swiftly as possible. Intolerably stuffy
accents must also be corrected, and your re-education
will disavow you of the notion that words such as "cheerio,"
"pip-pip," "wot," and "smashing" have any function at all
in meaningful discourse.
Mincing and prancing will *not* be tolerated...anyone caught
acting in such a fashion will immediately be exiled to
San Francisco for the duration. (See "fags," above.)
A word about sports: should you wish to participate in the
world's finest game, "football," (what you have been
calling "football" up until now is more properly referred
to as "soccer," or "powder-puff") you will be required
to bench-press at least 400 pounds, be able to run 40
yards in under 4 seconds flat while wearing 50 pounds
of armor, and get used to routinely colliding with someone
who is similarly outfitted over a hundred times per
session. It won't hurt if you weigh in the vicinity of
300 pounds, either. Your relatives will be allowed to
visit you in the hospital once per week while you are
recovering from the single game you managed to half-
finish before suffering from double vision and tinitus.
Wheaties may help; crumpets certainly won't.
A few other personal affectations must be swiftly
dealt with; you may not refer to any part of your
anatomy as a "willy," "tallywhacker," "John Thomas,"
"old boy," or describe the use thereof as "pointing
Percy at the porcelain."
Finally, you may not, ever, under any circumstances,
put beans on toast. Don't ask. In return, we will
concede that Sean Connery was the best James Bond,
but then...he's Scottish, isn't he?
(__!__)
WW 2000
NOTICE OF INVITATION TO BECOME THE FIFTY-FIRST STATE
To the subjects of the bankrupt socialist monarchy formerly
known as the British Empire: In light of your failure to
remain a world power, and in sympathy with your plight as
a laughing-stock on the world scene, the citizens of the
United States of America do hereby formally invite you
to renounce your ostentatious and unbearably pompous attitude
and your laughable devotion to a "royal" family which can
at best be generously described as a waste of biomass and
join the mightiest nation on the face of the earth as the
provisional fifty-first State.
Of course, some adjustments in the way you conduct yourselves
will certainly be necessary; for instance, sausages are to be
eaten only at breakfast, and not more than twice per week.
"Tea time" is hereby canceled in favor of the occasional
Coke or Pepsi; citizens of the USA actually *work* most
of their waking hours, and no time is allotted for sipping
lukewarm pee-water from dainty little cups with your pinkies
in the air. You will need to make a slight adjustment in
your taste in reading material; magazines such as "Splosh,"
"Bum," and "Spank" will no longer be available. A short
refresher course in the language of world commerce (American)
will also be required; a "boot" is something worn on the
foot to keep the damp away, a "bonnet" is what your granny
wears to church, a "lift" is what you get from drinking
Mountain Dew, a "bum" is a slovenly rascal who solicits
spare change to buy beer with, "Parliament" is a brand
of cigarettes (no, you may *not* call them "fags," that
word is reserved for something else entirely, more on that
later), you will watch the news on a "TV set" rather than
a "telly" (and you will enjoy the several hundred
channels which are available in most areas of the US,
and not pay taxes nor purchase a license to own such a
device, either) and you will cease calling a truck a
"lorry" or a toilet a "loo." Further, you will drink your
beer ice cold (the way God and Adolph Coors intended)
and you will regard any such beverage which is darker
than a grocery sack as industrial waste. Anyone caught
driving on the lefthand side of the roadway will be
summarily flattened into the pavement by an 18-wheeler.
(Look it up.)
A word on the proper spelling of American words...since
you insist on putting a useless U into words such as
"color" and "flavor," and using an S where a Z is
called for in words such as "atomizer," all of you must be
re-educated as swiftly as possible. Intolerably stuffy
accents must also be corrected, and your re-education
will disavow you of the notion that words such as "cheerio,"
"pip-pip," "wot," and "smashing" have any function at all
in meaningful discourse.
Mincing and prancing will *not* be tolerated...anyone caught
acting in such a fashion will immediately be exiled to
San Francisco for the duration. (See "fags," above.)
A word about sports: should you wish to participate in the
world's finest game, "football," (what you have been
calling "football" up until now is more properly referred
to as "soccer," or "powder-puff") you will be required
to bench-press at least 400 pounds, be able to run 40
yards in under 4 seconds flat while wearing 50 pounds
of armor, and get used to routinely colliding with someone
who is similarly outfitted over a hundred times per
session. It won't hurt if you weigh in the vicinity of
300 pounds, either. Your relatives will be allowed to
visit you in the hospital once per week while you are
recovering from the single game you managed to half-
finish before suffering from double vision and tinitus.
Wheaties may help; crumpets certainly won't.
A few other personal affectations must be swiftly
dealt with; you may not refer to any part of your
anatomy as a "willy," "tallywhacker," "John Thomas,"
"old boy," or describe the use thereof as "pointing
Percy at the porcelain."
Finally, you may not, ever, under any circumstances,
put beans on toast. Don't ask. In return, we will
concede that Sean Connery was the best James Bond,
but then...he's Scottish, isn't he?
(__!__)
WW 2000
