I just got emotional

[cfreetenor]

Something jogged my memory about how my grandfather died while I was in rehab four years and some months ago. My step dad was on his way to get me to be there but something “asked me” if it was OK if he left now. Later I found out he died pretty much then.

I just cried over how much of a piece of shit I was for him not to really need me then. I was a smart kid, bright in a lot of ways, friendly, he loved me growing up. Then I shit half my soul away on drugs pretty much around the same time he moved nearby to be close to his remaining family (me and my mom.) I can’t even bear thinking how he must have thought of me.

 

[MisterSuperGod]

He's in a better place. If there is an afterlife, i'm sure he understands that you had your head up your ass at the time, and is also proud of you for getting yourself cleaned up.

i missed my mothers funeral because of drugs. Still bothers the fuck out of me to this day, but i take some (though little) comfort in thinking that she would trade me being present at her funeral for her to see me clean, sober and living a better life.

 

[cfreetenor]

I’m sure she would. And I know he is. I’m very spiritual and faithful, but there is just something to the story you make with people when they are here. I’m sorry you had that I had something similar. Tweaking at my grandfathers Arlington ceremony. Not a good feeling at all and hard to think about.

 

[MisterSuperGod]

We all make mistakes, brother. We're human, as are our loved ones that have passed on.

If they're in heaven observing us, (i'm not a very spiritual person, though i believe in something more than the idea of primordial soup) then they're proud of our ability and fortitude to wake up from the nightmare we were once living.

We all have regrets, some that eat away at us, but we wouldn't be honoring our passed love ones if we let those regrets take any sort of control that would interfere with leading a healthy, productive life.

 

[cfreetenor]

I’m kind of amazed that I held on to that for so long. I’ve been doing relaxation exercises throughout the day. I think I was holding my breath over this for years. I knew I felt like shit about it, but it was always in the sense that I was defeated by my grief from it, wistful like. But now I feel ready to own it and figure out what it means in the context of my life. Thanks for talking to me.

 

[tengtren]

Something jogged my memory about how my grandfather died while I was in rehab four years and some months ago. My step dad was on his way to get me to be there but something “asked me” if it was OK if he left now. Later I found out he died pretty much then.

I just cried over how much of a piece of shit I was for him not to really need me then. I was a smart kid, bright in a lot of ways, friendly, he loved me growing up. Then I shit half my soul away on drugs pretty much around the same time he moved nearby to be close to his remaining family (me and my mom.) I can’t even bear thinking how he must have thought of me.

Something I learned in treatment that is one of the best things (as cliché as it sounds) is we have to forgive OURSELVES!

I've done some horrid things to my loved ones, stuff that makes me sic and think how much better it would be to end it than live with the guilt. But being able to forgive yourself is the key!

It's hard and I still haven't completely for some things I've done but it's a well worth it process.

Everyone makes mistakes and we need not to dwell on them OR forget about them but forgive ourselves and consciously do the right thing each day. THAT is redemption!!!

 

[cfreetenor]

You know, it’s not so much about forgiving myself that made me emotional over it. It was just such a clear picture of the kinds of things I missed out on during that time of my life. And the one instance that I won’t be able to make up for in this life. Maybe it is ok for him in his next life but I’m still living in this side of the story, you know?

 

[HIGHRISK]

I feel your pain. Lost my dad last year. He was why who I am and my career is. Grew up as my hero literally. Parents divorced when I was 12. It was nasty. We had a great relationship through my teens and early 20’s. He new wife hated me and he never stood up for me. Then off and on through my 30’s. The last time he quit calling me I said fuck it I’m not calling him. Hadn’t talked to him in a few years even though he lived 1.5 miles from me. Came home from the gym one night to find out he passed. Haunts me daily that I didn’t go see him. I was even told he was in the hospital for a routine procedure and he didn’t look good that I should go see him. I said fk that. He one of the toughest mfkrs I know. Took 5 m-16 shots to the chest in the army and still had one lodged in him till the day he died. He will wipe his ass with This bullshit procedure.

My biggest regret of my life. I’d give everything I have now to go back and change. I was recently told by someone special to me that he knows I loved him because I’m apart of him.

We all love with regrets my friend. That’s what life is. What you do with those is what makes you a better person or not. I will never have a bad relationship with my kids especially because of a bitch! Good luck to you.

 

[TX_Hempknight]

I feel your pain. Lost my dad last year. He was why who I am and my career is. Grew up as my hero literally. Parents divorced when I was 12. It was nasty. We had a great relationship through my teens and early 20’s. He new wife hated me and he never stood up for me. Then off and on through my 30’s. The last time he quit calling me I said fuck it I’m not calling him. Hadn’t talked to him in a few years even though he lived 1.5 miles from me. Came home from the gym one night to find out he passed. Haunts me daily that I didn’t go see him. I was even told he was in the hospital for a routine procedure and he didn’t look good that I should go see him. I said fk that. He one of the toughest mfkrs I know. Took 5 m-16 shots to the chest in the army and still had one lodged in him till the day he died. He will wipe his ass with This bullshit procedure.

My biggest regret of my life. I’d give everything I have now to go back and change. I was recently told by someone special to me that he knows I loved him because I’m apart of him.

We all love with regrets my friend. That’s what life is. What you do with those is what makes you a better person or not. I will never have a bad relationship with my kids especially because of a bitch! Good luck to you.

Thanks for sharing that. Similar situation, so it hit me pretty good.

 

[cfreetenor]

I feel your pain. Lost my dad last year. He was why who I am and my career is. Grew up as my hero literally. Parents divorced when I was 12. It was nasty. We had a great relationship through my teens and early 20’s. He new wife hated me and he never stood up for me. Then off and on through my 30’s. The last time he quit calling me I said fuck it I’m not calling him. Hadn’t talked to him in a few years even though he lived 1.5 miles from me. Came home from the gym one night to find out he passed. Haunts me daily that I didn’t go see him. I was even told he was in the hospital for a routine procedure and he didn’t look good that I should go see him. I said fk that. He one of the toughest mfkrs I know. Took 5 m-16 shots to the chest in the army and still had one lodged in him till the day he died. He will wipe his ass with This bullshit procedure.

My biggest regret of my life. I’d give everything I have now to go back and change. I was recently told by someone special to me that he knows I loved him because I’m apart of him.

We all love with regrets my friend. That’s what life is. What you do with those is what makes you a better person or not. I will never have a bad relationship with my kids especially because of a bitch! Good luck to you.

My father is an alcoholic. A lot of who he was when I was young is gone. And a lot of who he was then too fell short of someone who was able to show me how to deal with various expectations of manhood. He chose alcohol over family in pretty much every situation. But he had moments and the capacity to be affectionate. And I know that’s who he wants to be and that his guilt over it is immense - even if he doesn’t fix it.

It really hurts me to talk to him a lot of the time. There’s a role reversal there that makes me a mix of uneasy and resentful. I still don’t know what to do about it. I’ll go long periods without it and catch myself choking up about him and my childhood while listening to “Run” by Collective Soul. He played that a lot in the car when I was young.

I can handle having people around me throwing their lives away for stupid reasons, and be present with them. There’s something about when it’s someone you love that makes stuff like that unbearable.