Sweet Jesus...! GOOD POST..! Well I'm glad on only Shot it then as opposed to smoking.. LOL
You really bring back ONE TOUGH POINT, when you mentioned
"All the horrible things" WE did
(The Evil That Men Do)... Cause THAT is one of the most powerful points about the circle of relapse for me. Once I sober up, then I start to see the damage I have done. All the stupid-shit tricks.
The Quasi-Human interactions THAT SHOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED as I made a fool out of myself again... But these thoughts start pinging around in my mind from time to time, and essentially can slip you into a relapse real fast if not careful. And I DO RECALL, that even after a year or more clean, there just comes these times of introspection which are unbearable.
Then you are tempted to tuck them back into beddy-by with a good ol tension reliever. The paranoia. THE HORROR... Its like my life has been severed into (3) COMPONENTS...:
- 1/3rd of it I am just disgusted and appalled by, I can hardly stand to even think about it. But I'm too responsible not to. Still never knowing if ME or the stimulus to blame...
- 1/3rd of it that I like to Thank
(BLAME
) everyone else for
including my evil alter-EGO... I Feel I had no control over this portion as just guided by another hand &
- 1/3rd of it that I am really proud of... In my "perfect world"... And consider myself a "World Class Prize Fighter"/ And staying alive ain't half bad... LOL
*** But what is vicious about the whole circle is that the higher you get up on this ladder, the uglier things appear when you slow down to take a look at the carnage around you, thus forcing you back into O'Happy-Land that much HARDER and FASTER.. I suspect there must come a NO-TURNING-BACK-POINT where you are done because to be sober at this juncture would drive you insane, but to keep playing the game will kill you... But ya can't win if ya don't play.. Right..!!! LOL I am thinking meditation about now... More like - I AM NOT THINKING... And you mentioned "LATELY".... Indeed...!!!
And @AllYouGuys.. First You really got my attention talking about the DREAMS lately. Man I have been having some fucked up dreams. I don't know how it correlates. Perhaps due to more sleep and able to get all the nice sleep stages.
Or perhaps the Nemesis/Nibiru Thread needs to be revived.
Been sober 4 years this month but here lately man it's been hitting me hard. I thought the desire to use was long gone but I've been having the most vivid dreams that I get caught smoking crack at work and I loose it all again. Even through out the day all the time lately I keep remembering some of the horrible things I did. That's the kinda of shit that made me use cause I wanted to numb it out of me. I'm not gonna use fellas but damn my disease is strong lately. I know all of our beliefs are different but I recently started going to church again and I feel that's what's triggering this. I feel as though I'm being attacked to come back to the dark side. Anyway thanks for letting me share.
