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Meso drug addicts

I'll just put in my experience.

Its no secret to the people in my life that I'm a drug addict;I couldn't control it and didn;t care enough to hide it. I started drinking when I was 13, started smoking pot when I was 16. After that, it was everything I could get my hands on until I was maybe 22. I took two bottles of Robitussin two to three times every week my sophomore year in high school;basically, until I gained a permanent tolerance. When I was 18 I abused adderall and everything else-I wouldn't eat or sleep for days on end. I weighed about 103, developed scurvy (Vitamin C deficiency), and had an "amphetamine induced psychotic breakdown." The worst was when I was hiding under my bed, terrified when the lights went out in our neighborhood, thinking it was the Apocalypse. I called my mom to pick me up-this was about the time where are started my in and out cycle of institutions and half-way houses. Fast forward four years, a ton of hard drugs, and three life threatening overdoses and two overdoses I'm pretty sure I would have come out of later-and here I am.

I had over a year sober, but I fucked up and ended up using for like a month. I don't know why, it seemed like a good idea. Everything I worked for got flushed down the toilet. It's strange, because I've never had anything to lose before. I was constantly fucking up, so I never had time to gain anything of worth or value. Fucking up before just meant someone was mad at me. This time, though-damn. I went down to 109; I lost all the money, electronics, furniture and stuff I earned over the course of the year; I had to move back in with my parents; I was getting all As in college (a first) but then had to drop out. Not to mention the embarissment of losing the respect of people that have never seen me use and who thought highly of me from the get-go.

Now I'm coming up on 3 months again-I'm doing whatever it takes. I'm a member of A.A., I'm working a shit job and I'm trying to do it with efficiency and grace. Basically, trying to get an edge on life-I'm sick of being a failure.

Thats my story, ya'll in the same boat keep on keepin' on
 
John Bahlmer said:
I'll just put in my experience.

Its no secret to the people in my life that I'm a drug addict;I couldn't control it and didn;t care enough to hide it. I started drinking when I was 13, started smoking pot when I was 16. After that, it was everything I could get my hands on until I was maybe 22. I took two bottles of Robitussin two to three times every week my sophomore year in high school;basically, until I gained a permanent tolerance. When I was 18 I abused adderall and everything else-I wouldn't eat or sleep for days on end. I weighed about 103, developed scurvy (Vitamin C deficiency), and had an "amphetamine induced psychotic breakdown." The worst was when I was hiding under my bed, terrified when the lights went out in our neighborhood, thinking it was the Apocalypse. I called my mom to pick me up-this was about the time where are started my in and out cycle of institutions and half-way houses. Fast forward four years, a ton of hard drugs, and three life threatening overdoses and two overdoses I'm pretty sure I would have come out of later-and here I am.

I had over a year sober, but I fucked up and ended up using for like a month. I don't know why, it seemed like a good idea. Everything I worked for got flushed down the toilet. It's strange, because I've never had anything to lose before. I was constantly fucking up, so I never had time to gain anything of worth or value. Fucking up before just meant someone was mad at me. This time, though-damn. I went down to 109; I lost all the money, electronics, furniture and stuff I earned over the course of the year; I had to move back in with my parents; I was getting all As in college (a first) but then had to drop out. Not to mention the embarissment of losing the respect of people that have never seen me use and who thought highly of me from the get-go.

Now I'm coming up on 3 months again-I'm doing whatever it takes. I'm a member of A.A., I'm working a shit job and I'm trying to do it with efficiency and grace. Basically, trying to get an edge on life-I'm sick of being a failure.

Thats my story, ya'll in the same boat keep on keepin' on
Click to expand...

keep up the good work, and keep working the shit job, those jobs are the ones where you usually work your ass off, and that provides alot of inner healing. I've never been a drug addict, but went through some very difficult emotional times in my life, and one of the things that helped me the most was doing that basic grunt work that cleared my head
 
John Bahlmer said:
I'll just put in my experience.

Its no secret to the people in my life that I'm a drug addict;I couldn't control it and didn;t care enough to hide it. I started drinking when I was 13, started smoking pot when I was 16. After that, it was everything I could get my hands on until I was maybe 22. I took two bottles of Robitussin two to three times every week my sophomore year in high school;basically, until I gained a permanent tolerance. When I was 18 I abused adderall and everything else-I wouldn't eat or sleep for days on end. I weighed about 103, developed scurvy (Vitamin C deficiency), and had an "amphetamine induced psychotic breakdown." The worst was when I was hiding under my bed, terrified when the lights went out in our neighborhood, thinking it was the Apocalypse. I called my mom to pick me up-this was about the time where are started my in and out cycle of institutions and half-way houses. Fast forward four years, a ton of hard drugs, and three life threatening overdoses and two overdoses I'm pretty sure I would have come out of later-and here I am.

I had over a year sober, but I fucked up and ended up using for like a month. I don't know why, it seemed like a good idea. Everything I worked for got flushed down the toilet. It's strange, because I've never had anything to lose before. I was constantly fucking up, so I never had time to gain anything of worth or value. Fucking up before just meant someone was mad at me. This time, though-damn. I went down to 109; I lost all the money, electronics, furniture and stuff I earned over the course of the year; I had to move back in with my parents; I was getting all As in college (a first) but then had to drop out. Not to mention the embarissment of losing the respect of people that have never seen me use and who thought highly of me from the get-go.

Now I'm coming up on 3 months again-I'm doing whatever it takes. I'm a member of A.A., I'm working a shit job and I'm trying to do it with efficiency and grace. Basically, trying to get an edge on life-I'm sick of being a failure.

Thats my story, ya'll in the same boat keep on keepin' on
Click to expand...
One day at a time brother.
 
John Bahlmer said:
I'll just put in my experience.

Its no secret to the people in my life that I'm a drug addict;I couldn't control it and didn;t care enough to hide it. I started drinking when I was 13, started smoking pot when I was 16. After that, it was everything I could get my hands on until I was maybe 22. I took two bottles of Robitussin two to three times every week my sophomore year in high school;basically, until I gained a permanent tolerance. When I was 18 I abused adderall and everything else-I wouldn't eat or sleep for days on end. I weighed about 103, developed scurvy (Vitamin C deficiency), and had an "amphetamine induced psychotic breakdown." The worst was when I was hiding under my bed, terrified when the lights went out in our neighborhood, thinking it was the Apocalypse. I called my mom to pick me up-this was about the time where are started my in and out cycle of institutions and half-way houses. Fast forward four years, a ton of hard drugs, and three life threatening overdoses and two overdoses I'm pretty sure I would have come out of later-and here I am.

I had over a year sober, but I fucked up and ended up using for like a month. I don't know why, it seemed like a good idea. Everything I worked for got flushed down the toilet. It's strange, because I've never had anything to lose before. I was constantly fucking up, so I never had time to gain anything of worth or value. Fucking up before just meant someone was mad at me. This time, though-damn. I went down to 109; I lost all the money, electronics, furniture and stuff I earned over the course of the year; I had to move back in with my parents; I was getting all As in college (a first) but then had to drop out. Not to mention the embarissment of losing the respect of people that have never seen me use and who thought highly of me from the get-go.

Now I'm coming up on 3 months again-I'm doing whatever it takes. I'm a member of A.A., I'm working a shit job and I'm trying to do it with efficiency and grace. Basically, trying to get an edge on life-I'm sick of being a failure.

Thats my story, ya'll in the same boat keep on keepin' on
Click to expand...
John I also am a friend of Bill. Don't beat yourself up. There are very few one hit wonders in the program. I got enough white chips to restock Vegas. The fact that you keep trying tells me your going to make it. You may be a lot of things but a failure is not one of them. It's hard and the first couple years are the hardest. Based on my experience I would recommend not hanging out with new comers to much and avoid negative conversation about the program. Keep going to meeting especially when you don't want to. Pick a good sponsor but I suggest waiting a couple months to get to know who your picking. The last thing you want in a sponsor is a big book Nazi. Get phone numbers and use them. Us alcoholics as you know will give someone the shirt off our back. My first real sponsor I choose simply because he was terminally ill. I did that because of the 4th and 5th steps. But as it turned out he more than anybody I've ever met completely changed my life forever! Damn all I really wanted to say was good luck and life gets so much better clean and sober. I never would of dreamed I would have all this. when I walked into those rooms in 2003.
 
Juced said:
Im all for cannbis use. prevent and cure cancer and soomany things... but if smoking weed has you smoking crack or doing H a week or months later... the issue is in thought patterns you have bult up, not the cannabis and you should avoid even cannabis... could be gambling, sex, MJ, and soomany other things to fill that void of a rush or buzz/distraction...

I have known many addicts, some died, some where family... yet i cant fully grasp how someone can go from going sober to just saying F it and going back in.. specially when going from MJ to hard drugs... it blows my mind the excuses I have heard...
its not the MJ, its not even the drug, its the mind... the drug is a side effect of the dysfunctional mind, not the other way around (ofcourse drugs will mess up the mind lso, im not saying it wont, im saying the root of the issue is the mind, not drug)
Iv delt with some VERY close to me that ended up still being at rock bottom and not sure where they are now, but iv also known someone dear that did coke pretty much every day , like 5 out of 7 days a week , just for the hell of it and to numb personal issues (that addressing sober helped), only to stop completely after couple years of non stop use and stay sober. (will still have a couple drinks and smoke MJ weekly to daily) but never use the other stuff or anything else. the urge is still there but the mind over matter is the important part. and knowing what it will do to you and not to start making excuses.
its a messed up road and a tough one.
I may not understand fully how someone can let them selves get to that point (im saying that having tried coke, xtc, mushrooms etc. much more than a couple times during a couple years of bad choices, many years ago) so its not like i dont know the "feel" of the "joy" but life is the value, not the buzz. your paying for a set amount of time to feel a certain way... your paying for a small space in time, while screwing up the actual life over all...
I know its tough and im not bashing, im just stating I DONT personally get how it can get that bad before stopping. but i DO understand many struggle and have lost family from it...
I HATE non spiritual mind numbing drugs with all my heart!
and thanks to the laws its only made it worse in my opinion...
I do think many are good for exploration and reflection in a healthy mind though.

I went on a tangent sorry lol....

not sure if anyone can relate to this but figured id post it up since i found it a little interesting>
Click to expand...

This is an excellent point. Many people stop when they find a significant other for example. Making them part of somthing. Which I know has happened to a lot of people. Even the worse drug abbusers I know stopped when they were seeing someone. But then stopped seeing that person, and were crazy again. I also hate how they put these "addicts" into a seperate area.
 
jJjburton said:
This is an excellent point. Many people stop when they find a significant other for example. Making them part of somthing. Which I know has happened to a lot of people. Even the worse drug abbusers I know stopped when they were seeing someone. But then stopped seeing that person, and were crazy again. I also hate how they put these "addicts" into a seperate area.
Click to expand...

It's just about filing that emptiness inside of us that we were filling with drugs. If you fill it with someone else and they leave of course you'll go back to drugs. Your reasons have to come from within or your chances of success are very low.
 
John Bahlmer said:
I'll just put in my experience.

Its no secret to the people in my life that I'm a drug addict;I couldn't control it and didn;t care enough to hide it. I started drinking when I was 13, started smoking pot when I was 16. After that, it was everything I could get my hands on until I was maybe 22. I took two bottles of Robitussin two to three times every week my sophomore year in high school;basically, until I gained a permanent tolerance. When I was 18 I abused adderall and everything else-I wouldn't eat or sleep for days on end. I weighed about 103, developed scurvy (Vitamin C deficiency), and had an "amphetamine induced psychotic breakdown." The worst was when I was hiding under my bed, terrified when the lights went out in our neighborhood, thinking it was the Apocalypse. I called my mom to pick me up-this was about the time where are started my in and out cycle of institutions and half-way houses. Fast forward four years, a ton of hard drugs, and three life threatening overdoses and two overdoses I'm pretty sure I would have come out of later-and here I am.

I had over a year sober, but I fucked up and ended up using for like a month. I don't know why, it seemed like a good idea. Everything I worked for got flushed down the toilet. It's strange, because I've never had anything to lose before. I was constantly fucking up, so I never had time to gain anything of worth or value. Fucking up before just meant someone was mad at me. This time, though-damn. I went down to 109; I lost all the money, electronics, furniture and stuff I earned over the course of the year; I had to move back in with my parents; I was getting all As in college (a first) but then had to drop out. Not to mention the embarissment of losing the respect of people that have never seen me use and who thought highly of me from the get-go.

Now I'm coming up on 3 months again-I'm doing whatever it takes. I'm a member of A.A., I'm working a shit job and I'm trying to do it with efficiency and grace. Basically, trying to get an edge on life-I'm sick of being a failure.

Thats my story, ya'll in the same boat keep on keepin' on
Click to expand...
We could very easily be related. There no rhyme or reason to the things i do but i definitely do an ass load of dumb shot to feed my addiction. Well i did cause now i got just over 2 years clean. Sometimes it takes hitting ur ass on that rock at the bottom that very last time to wake u up to give u reason to right. A lot of my buddies hit that rock at the bottom and died so im grateful to be able to have the chance to do right. U r hear telling ur story which means u want to do right now just keep moving in the right direction. One day at a time. U got it!
 
I am feeling pretty pleased with myself...i made good choices today. Im staying with some people i know and their kids are on adderal or whatever and they just leave it out in the med cabinet in the kitchen, stumbled upon it this morning before work.... i wont lie my first instinct was to swipe one and have a great fucking day, and i even went so far as to get it and had it in my hand about to down that delicious little pill, but after about 10 minutes of sitting there just staring at it i put that little fucker back in the bottle and just went to work. Im fuckin proud of myself, old druggie me would have taken that pill (or 3-4 of them more likely) and downed it without a second thought. Then secondly, their oldest son, about 3 years younger than me asked if i wanted to go to a party and get some blow on the way, and i fuckin politely declined even though every fiber of me was screaming yes...

Anyways...not looking for a pat on the back or anything, but just thought id share with you guys...maybe it'll help someone else think twice before hiving in. Of course you guys know i wanted to, i want to go get 23 8 balls and put all of those fuckers up my nose, fuck im stressed and 3000 miles away from all my friends back home, not giving in. Stay strong, brothers!
 
insaiyan93 said:
I am feeling pretty pleased with myself...i made good choices today. Im staying with some people i know and their kids are on adderal or whatever and they just leave it out in the med cabinet in the kitchen, stumbled upon it this morning before work.... i wont lie my first instinct was to swipe one and have a great fucking day, and i even went so far as to get it and had it in my hand about to down that delicious little pill, but after about 10 minutes of sitting there just staring at it i put that little fucker back in the bottle and just went to work. Im fuckin proud of myself, old druggie me would have taken that pill (or 3-4 of them more likely) and downed it without a second thought. Then secondly, their oldest son, about 3 years younger than me asked if i wanted to go to a party and get some blow on the way, and i fuckin politely declined even though every fiber of me was screaming yes...

Anyways...not looking for a pat on the back or anything, but just thought id share with you guys...maybe it'll help someone else think twice before hiving in. Of course you guys know i wanted to, i want to go get 23 8 balls and put all of those fuckers up my nose, fuck im stressed and 3000 miles away from all my friends back home, not giving in. Stay strong, brothers!
Click to expand...

Great work. Homie. Hows the tobacooless life going?

I am dealing with the same thing. This girl I am with, takes adderall and xanax, someimes. She has a script and eveything. I see them everyday In the bottle. I think maybe ill just take half of one. Each time I see them. like 2 x a day. I don't though because it is not worth her knowing/finding out and then her being upset. Maybe breaking it off with me. I am sure if I asked she would give me one. But I am not going to even do that. She knows about my problem. So If I ask she will be mad. I hate when people are mad. I am passive. So I feel your pain. I am trying to just go abround them( the pills), making n big deal about it. But it is sort of taking a toll on me. I might have to say something to her. Like can you put them in the cabinet better. But I don' really want to say that. Because she might think that I will eventually take them, and get all weird on me, because of this. But eveytime, I see them and don;t take them I feel great. Because I am just getting stronger and stronger about it.


That is a huge FEAT/accomplishment that you have done. I would pat yourself on your back. It is a great thing. I can't believe you actually had it in your hand and stil put it back.
When I was fucked up, I would have taking all the bottle, or one and two, and just dipped. Then saw that person again thining nothing of it. Just deny deny deny. It's great how much you've changes.

I have been smoking one hit a week though of pot. I am stopping after yesterday. I took like half a hit. I am done becuase last drug test I did not pass. They said that was my one freebee.
 
jJjburton said:
Great work. Homie. Hows the tobacooless life going?

I am dealing with the same thing. This girl I am with, takes adderall and xanax, someimes. She has a script and eveything. I see them everyday In the bottle. I think maybe ill just take half of one. Each time I see them. like 2 x a day. I don't though because it is not worth her knowing/finding out and then her being upset. Maybe breaking it off with me. I am sure if I asked she would give me one. But I am not going to even do that. She knows about my problem. So If I ask she will be mad. I hate when people are mad. I am passive. So I feel your pain. I am trying to just go abround them( the pills), making n big deal about it. But it is sort of taking a toll on me. I might have to say something to her. Like can you put them in the cabinet better. But I don' really want to say that. Because she might think that I will eventually take them, and get all weird on me, because of this. But eveytime, I see them and don;t take them I feel great. Because I am just getting stronger and stronger about it.


That is a huge FEAT/accomplishment that you have done. I would pat yourself on your back. It is a great thing. I can't believe you actually had it in your hand and stil put it back.
When I was fucked up, I would have taking all the bottle, or one and two, and just dipped. Then saw that person again thining nothing of it. Just deny deny deny. It's great how much you've changes.

I have been smoking one hit a week though of pot. I am stopping after yesterday. I took like half a hit. I am done becuase last drug test I did not pass. They said that was my one freebee.
Click to expand...

Its goin good, yesterday was 2 weeks no tobacco, i had a few drinks on saturday night and was niccin bad so i hit buddies vapor cigarette a couple times, other than though nothin.

Damn i know its rough seeing that shit everyday, if she already knows about your situation i dont think it would be terribly unreasonable to ask her to maybe just keep it in a less conspicuous area, shes gotta understand its part of you and something you fight everyday, so why not make it a little easier and just keep it out of the way, ya know?
Good job on not breaking down though bud, keep that shit up.

Yeah better not to risk it on the pot. I could smoke pot if i wanted to but the shit just makes me lethargic and makes me overthink every little detail of my life so i just dont smoke it anymore haha.
 
I quit cigarettes when I was locked up. Seemed dumb to pick back up after almost two years, but most people do. I got a couple when I was still in county jail and they were disgusting after not having one in so long. This would have been 2012 and I haven't had one since.

Pot I never liked anyway. Smoking pot is just one big anxiety and paranoia attack for me, nothing enjoyable about it at all. Been like that since I was a teenager.

I always hated alcohol, too. Never found that buzz enjoyable whatsoever. I had a big problem with benzos though. Brought out a violent, shoplifting side of me.

I was the weird heroin addict, willing to shoot dope all day, but wouldn't touch weed or alcohol for anything.
 
Perrin Aybara said:
I quit cigarettes when I was locked up. Seemed dumb to pick back up after almost two years, but most people do. I got a couple when I was still in county jail and they were disgusting after not having one in so long. This would have been 2012 and I haven't had one since.

Pot I never liked anyway. Smoking pot is just one big anxiety and paranoia attack for me, nothing enjoyable about it at all. Been like that since I was a teenager.

I always hated alcohol, too. Never found that buzz enjoyable whatsoever. I had a big problem with benzos though. Brought out a violent, shoplifting side of me.

I was the weird heroin addict, willing to shoot dope all day, but wouldn't touch weed or alcohol for anything.
Click to expand...

I smoked tons of pot when i was younger, but after the other shit ive done with the way crazier better highs that also give you more energy instead of less, its just not wnjoyable for me. I keep a tiny nug around and sometimes i will take a puff or two if i cant sleep but thats about it.

Thats crazy though, benzos and shoplifting are not a good mix.

Looks like we have all come a long fuckin way though.
 
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