Recovery Log!! (in HM ONLY)

[Tyler81]

Day 18
I did an experiment and stopped taking the Clomid for a few days and I feel SO much better today.

My last dose was on Sunday so I skipped Monday and Tuesday and I noticed Tuesday evening I felt a whole lot better.

Specifically I felt less melancholy. It's like I was in a Clomid haze and that was contributing to my anxiety and general uneasiness.

Clomid really fucking hijacks my brain hardcore to the point I'm thinking of just going it alone now with no more Clomid.

Just herbs vitamin d excercise and time.

Time is the greatest healer and I think all these pct protocols can make people feel worse.

 

[Tyler81]

Day 18 contd
Also I considered getting more lab work done this week to see where my levels are at but then I thought,

If they are high it's a false result because the Clomid is still in my system.

If they are low it's discouraging and I will feel psychologically shitty and that doesn't help me.

Right now I feel decent overall.

So why jinx it?

Will do lab work at 30 days from my last dose of Clomid so it's an accurate reading and has given my body enough time to heal and rebalance itself.

 

[Tyler81]

Day 18 contd
I'm also convinced that LIBIDO/DESIRE is from the brain.

Whereas FUNCTION is related to testosterone levels.

I will expand on this later but for me personally sexual desire and libido are way better natural. That's sexual thoughts like the desire to have sex and think all those x-rated thoughts that make you feel like a man.

 

[Tyler81]

Expanding on my last thought...
To me libido/desire is when you see a girl and think "mm i want to spank her ass and manhandle her and take her to pleasure town"

Function OTOH is actually being able to do something about it. i.e. That thought causes a physical reaction like you get a boner, or half chubbed so you can actually perform.

Right now I am already having some sexual thoughts but I dont know if my dick will actually respond and "rise" to the occasion. I think there is a minimal threshold of T required for errections. Let's for arguments sake say 100ng/dl. A man can still have sexual thoughts below that level but might not be able to produce a physical response.

I am sure this "lower threshold" is different for each man and is based more on FREE T more than TOTAL T.

A guy can have a Total T serum count of 100 with low SHBG and his free T might be higher than another dude with Total T serum count of 500 with high SHBG.

I have low SHBG so i dont need a high Total T to feel good.

This is why it might have been misguided to put me on TRT In the first place.

My total T was around 300 but I am sure my free T was adequete.

Long story short, my sexual desire/libido i.e. sexual thoughts have always been better when im natural. The only downside is, I may have to occasionally use cialis if I want to perform multiple times. Not a big deal! I would rather have all the x-rated thoughts which seem to have eluded me on TRT.

I would go days and weeks on TRT without having a single sexual thought cross my mind.

 

[Tyler81]

Day 18 contd

My goal in coming off treatment is just more CONSISTENCY in how I feel.

This includes my baseline mood / libido / health.

I just wasnt feeling good on TRT and there was a little voice inside me that kept telling me to come off but I ignored it for months and years even. I have wanted to come off for a few years but I just kept ignoring it until I reached a breaking point a few months ago.

I am glad I FINALLY listened to that inner voice because I am confident I will feel more consistent in my health/mood/libido when I am off treatment.

 

[Tyler81]

Day 18 contd

Mood is much better today. It's pretty much perfect.

Some fatigue still. Also I feel some anxiety/anxiousness.

I have to be patient as I am sure these things will improve as my body coaxes more T production.

 

[Tyler81]

This guy made a video on surviving a testosterone crash and it's been very helpful for me.

 

[Tyler81]

Day 19
Low grade headache this morning. Still difficult to get going in the morning.

I'm not out of the woods yet and this recovery will probably be slow from here on out.

I know I said I'm going to drop Clomid but maybe I will do maintenance 2X week for a few weeks.

 

[Tyler81]

As shitty as some days are I've had enough moments of feeling OK where I'm not going to bail on this recovery.

I don't think I can go through again so this one has to stick.

 

[Tyler81]

Also my dick was completely dead last night.
But then this morning I had morning wood when I woke up...

So the equipment "works" but not when I want it to.

 

[jay89]

Why dont you order up some nolva where you got the clomid and give it a try. It might be your wonderdrug who knows.

 

[Tyler81]

Why dont you order up some nolva where you got the clomid and give it a try. It might be your wonderdrug who knows.

I don't trust these research Chems. So I would need legit pharma grade. Will talk to my doctor about it next month.

 

[Tyler81]

My dad just dropped some wisdom on me that made me feel better. He said,
You made a decision to stop everything so just give it 6 months and dont think about it and just let your body recover.

 

[Tyler81]

Today has been one of the toughest days in my recovery.

Self doubt, anxiety, low grade headache all day plus fatigue and lethargy.

But I ain't giving up.!

Gotta keep pushing forwards.

 

[Tyler81]

Day 20
I'm going to do 12.5mg Clomid E4D for the next few weeks.

I considered going back on the Hcg but I think that's the wrong thing to do and would hinder my recovery.

 

[Tyler81]

Day 20
12.5mg Clomid.
37.5mg Wellbutrin.

 

[Tyler81]

Day 20
I want to set realistic expectations for my recovery.

Before TRT my levels were around 7.4nmol/L morning lab draw. I had been able to boost those levels as high as 11.5nmol/L with stuff like Longjack compound exercises vitamin d regular sex etc

Since it's been 6 years and testosterone declines at the rate of 1% per year after 30 my realistic goal is to have natural levels of around 10.5nmol/L which is around 300ng/dl.

This may seem low to some people but I have low shbg so my free T is quite good when I'm between 300-400.

So a successful recovery for me is levels of 10-11nmol/L with consistent mood and libido.

I believe I can achieve this through;

1. Occasional Clomid
2. Vitamin d Longjack etc
3. High fat diet
4. Compound excercises
5. Refraining from booze
6. Regular sex

If I can feel consistent and have levels around 10.5nmol/L AND be fully fertile again I'll be a happy man!

Fertility is a big part of this and I don't tolerate Hcg well enough to be on it longterm for fertility.

 

[Tyler81]

Day 21
Not much to report.
I only have this one restart left in me so there's no backing out of this. I don't have it in me to endure another testosterone crash so this restart MUST stick.

I am going to take it day by day week by week month by month.

I won't be updating as much from here on out but will drop in for occasional updates.

 

[Tyler81]

Day 22
I looked in the mirror this morning and physically I look pretty much the same.
If anything I have lost weight in my face and I look more lean and cut and less bloated.

 

[Tyler81]

Day 22 contd
It's good I hid my testosterone and Hcg because mentally my brain just wants to feel better NOW!!! And the quick fix is to slap on some T gel even though it wasn't even absorbing properly anymore.

Knowing myself I hid all my meds in my family home and don't have access to them right now.

I feel like a drug addict in rehab trying to kick a drug habit or something.

You get used to something for 6 years your brain goes into panic mode when you don't have access to it anymore.