On her way to work one morning, down the path along the lake, a tenderhearted woman saw a rich, coldhearted, frozen snake.
His tangerine skin was all caked with makeup and his bald spot was frosted with the dew.
“Poor thing,” she cried, “I’ll take you in, and I’ll take care of you.”
“Take me in, oh tender woman. Take me in, for Heaven’s sake. Take me in, oh tender woman,” sighed the vicious snake.
She wrapped him up all cozy, tucking in his absurdly long tie of silk, and laid him by her fireside with two Big Macs, two Filet-O-Fish, and a chocolate shake of milk.
She hurried home that night from holding up a torch on Liberty Island, and soon as she arrived, she found that the freaky snake, transfixed by his own image on TV, had been revived.
“Take me in, oh tender woman. Take me in, for Heaven’s sake. Take me in, oh tender woman,” pleaded the cunning snake.
She clutched him to her bosom, which he really seemed to like. “You think you’re pretty,” she cried. “But if I hadn’t brought you in, by now surely you would have died.”
She stroked his puffy Velveeta scales again, and kissed and held him tight. But instead of saying thank you, that grabby snake wrapped around her you-know-what and gave her a vicious bite.
“Take me in, oh tender woman. Take me in for Heaven’s sake. Take me in, oh tender woman,” sighed the sneaky snake as he changed to “Fox & Friends” for news that was fake.
“I saved you,” cried the woman. “And you’ve bitten me. Heavens, why? You know your bite is poisonous, and now I’m going to die.”
“Oh, shut up, silly woman,” said the serpent with a grin. “You knew damn well I was a snake before you took me in.”
...
“Speaking of family, you want your son-in-law to run the world, but he can’t even get a security clearance. Unfortunately, to the law and his disclosure forms, Jared never gave adherence. Oh, what a dork. Given your interest in trade, you might want to export him back to New York and in him stick a fork.”
The woman mocked the snake even as the toxins won, reminding him that his coldblooded dad would not tolerate a loser as a son. “The Mueller net is growing tight with more convictions within reach, and now it probably won’t be long until you hear the word ‘impeach.’
“Papadopoulos, Flynn and now Gates have all flipped. How long can Manafort keep his lips zipped? Those Russian indictments show that Mueller is digging like mad, so the special counsel’s path could ultimately lead to Vlad. Sad!”
“Oh, daffy woman,” the snake hissed disdainfully. “You know that’s an illusion. As I like to say, THERE WAS NO COLLUSION.”
Even as she gasped her last, the woman gave him a triumphant blast. “You really are an asp. Oh, vain and ignorant snake, you may extinguish me. But never my torch. Oh, Liberty.”