The girl I spoke of in my last post - Sadie, my chocholate lab golden mix DID PASS. I remember the day I met her at the house she was born. I took her home with me because she was the one that came over to me and snuggled up to take a nap on the couch and I had just met her. But not it seemed in the stars. She spent the first five years of her life with me in my car, where ever I went. I would take her to the golf course where she would watch me hit golf balls just begging to run down the range and get one. Her eye was unbelievable. They say dogs "don't look up". This girl could spot 747's at 37,000 feet. When she was nine weeks old and just a week after I had her, I tossed a frisbee for her about 6 feet. She hobbled over to get it and dragged it back to me tripping over it just aiming to please. She was a superstar for daddy all day long. She used to sit in the middle of the rear seat of my trooper and put her paws on the console. We called that "the Pole Position". She loved to watch birds outside the car when on the bridge across the bay. "Birds - Sadie - Birds".. Her smile unbelievable with joy and life. I guess mine was too back then... I made a crib for her which she slept in next to me when she was an infant so I could reach down and pet her when she cried at night as a pup missing her mom. That dog was worth more to me than 99% of the human swine which I have crossed in my travels. Her soul was not of this world... A guy at the golf course once spotted her and had to come over and exclaim to me - "That dog's got SPIRIT..!"... I told him I knew.
ON TARGET... Dogs don't have to see your face, they know the second you walk through the door in the other room. The night she fell to stroke was awful. My wife had been going off like a crazy bitch and I warned her that Sadie could not take much of it today. She was really getting up there and could barely walk. I had recently uppped her Prion dosage to 100mgs per day which was still a little light for her weight, but I was intent on drying up the floors for my human daughters sakes. Conditions were becoming unacceptable. About 11 pm I said "look you cunt, now you have gone and done it'// I was hoping not. I went to walmart for a late shop and when I got back the dog was non=repsponsive. I knew her time had come. I felt so much horror that our fighting had pushed her over, but at the same time could not help but acknowledge what a shitty world this is, and how it takes no prisoners. I was really just trying to mitigate my wife's craziness to salvage my daughters that night. There was nothing I could do. She will burn in hell I fear and of course I will have to follow to protect her. I am sickened. I am sick.
I slept with Sadie on the liv room floor that night. She could not move and I would take my hand and put water in the side of her mouth and she could move her tongue to get it down. I already knew she was hurting cause she had been guzzling water for the last year obviously diabetic in old age. She was always known as the sugar queen as she had a sweet tooth vs/ the boy lab which preferred meat. I comforted her.
The next day my buddy came over who happened to be in the med field. He helped me load her into the car. He did not say much but objective things he knew and he's pushed a little morphine in his time. I am/was a stranger to death. It was all I could do to discuss the matter without tearing up. I felt like a pussy but it did not matter because the coming moments were some of the most important in my life. My family vet was out that day. I have to take her to the local vet ER. I cry now just thinking about the moment. I went in and explained to them and they said they would check her out too. But they knew from the age and description. They put us in the room with a rug in the middle of the floor. It was all I could do to not go crazy at this point. So imagine a grown man carrying his baby in through an open door with care and back to this room where death was waiting. The vet was this young hot blond I recall but it did not matter. I do recall how professional she was and noting that she was working some protocol to keep me from flipping. They did a basic check and told me that it looked like the end. Duhh I thought. But they did not not know me. She cordially told me that she was going out to prepare the solution and she would give me as much time as I needed. I knew I already got more than most could hope. Emotions, I just don't understand and they overwhelm me always. I feel weak. My buddy left the room at this point. I was afraid he would not but he knew.. I laid down on the floor with her and spooned her like I had done so many good nights we went to sleep together. Dogs being pack animals- you should always give them the last bite because they feel like they are not welcomed in the pack if you do not. She always got the first and last. I think the IV was already in at this point and the doc came back in. I remember being shocked to see her using the Michael Jackson solution - AND A SHITLOAD OF IT. "This was to put her out she said, and she wont feel the rest...". Sp this moment the worst ever and I was afraid for her. For me I suspect. I wonder is death misunderstood or I think I would go nutz... I told her how much I loved her and how sorry I was for all the family strife. How ashamed I was I felt but did not say. I stroked her ear while the proph was administered. I spooned her but not too tight as I wanted. I do recall the doc saying "she might flench and twitch a bit".. GOD DAMN THE HUMANITY. But she was tired and went quiet. My soul scarred once more. I don't know how much more i can take. But I know I will not drop my loved one off like some kind of coward. I know I KNEW I would never leave her alone. I DID NOT FAIL HER. I DID NOT. And she ate high in these Roman Times. High indeed.
I am almost numb now. Is that when you go? I am sure to not spoil life for my girls and to try to give them just enough to protect them. This cost is high these days. We are in uncharted terrritory I have little doubt. Im so old now i think I just dislocated a bone in my ankle typing this. Laying in bed. Man you just don't know. I think back now to a birthday party when I was 4. Like yesterday. All that TIME gone now. What a ride. I am blessed I have little doubt.
ON TARGET... Dogs don't have to see your face, they know the second you walk through the door in the other room. The night she fell to stroke was awful. My wife had been going off like a crazy bitch and I warned her that Sadie could not take much of it today. She was really getting up there and could barely walk. I had recently uppped her Prion dosage to 100mgs per day which was still a little light for her weight, but I was intent on drying up the floors for my human daughters sakes. Conditions were becoming unacceptable. About 11 pm I said "look you cunt, now you have gone and done it'// I was hoping not. I went to walmart for a late shop and when I got back the dog was non=repsponsive. I knew her time had come. I felt so much horror that our fighting had pushed her over, but at the same time could not help but acknowledge what a shitty world this is, and how it takes no prisoners. I was really just trying to mitigate my wife's craziness to salvage my daughters that night. There was nothing I could do. She will burn in hell I fear and of course I will have to follow to protect her. I am sickened. I am sick.
I slept with Sadie on the liv room floor that night. She could not move and I would take my hand and put water in the side of her mouth and she could move her tongue to get it down. I already knew she was hurting cause she had been guzzling water for the last year obviously diabetic in old age. She was always known as the sugar queen as she had a sweet tooth vs/ the boy lab which preferred meat. I comforted her.
The next day my buddy came over who happened to be in the med field. He helped me load her into the car. He did not say much but objective things he knew and he's pushed a little morphine in his time. I am/was a stranger to death. It was all I could do to discuss the matter without tearing up. I felt like a pussy but it did not matter because the coming moments were some of the most important in my life. My family vet was out that day. I have to take her to the local vet ER. I cry now just thinking about the moment. I went in and explained to them and they said they would check her out too. But they knew from the age and description. They put us in the room with a rug in the middle of the floor. It was all I could do to not go crazy at this point. So imagine a grown man carrying his baby in through an open door with care and back to this room where death was waiting. The vet was this young hot blond I recall but it did not matter. I do recall how professional she was and noting that she was working some protocol to keep me from flipping. They did a basic check and told me that it looked like the end. Duhh I thought. But they did not not know me. She cordially told me that she was going out to prepare the solution and she would give me as much time as I needed. I knew I already got more than most could hope. Emotions, I just don't understand and they overwhelm me always. I feel weak. My buddy left the room at this point. I was afraid he would not but he knew.. I laid down on the floor with her and spooned her like I had done so many good nights we went to sleep together. Dogs being pack animals- you should always give them the last bite because they feel like they are not welcomed in the pack if you do not. She always got the first and last. I think the IV was already in at this point and the doc came back in. I remember being shocked to see her using the Michael Jackson solution - AND A SHITLOAD OF IT. "This was to put her out she said, and she wont feel the rest...". Sp this moment the worst ever and I was afraid for her. For me I suspect. I wonder is death misunderstood or I think I would go nutz... I told her how much I loved her and how sorry I was for all the family strife. How ashamed I was I felt but did not say. I stroked her ear while the proph was administered. I spooned her but not too tight as I wanted. I do recall the doc saying "she might flench and twitch a bit".. GOD DAMN THE HUMANITY. But she was tired and went quiet. My soul scarred once more. I don't know how much more i can take. But I know I will not drop my loved one off like some kind of coward. I know I KNEW I would never leave her alone. I DID NOT FAIL HER. I DID NOT. And she ate high in these Roman Times. High indeed.
I am almost numb now. Is that when you go? I am sure to not spoil life for my girls and to try to give them just enough to protect them. This cost is high these days. We are in uncharted terrritory I have little doubt. Im so old now i think I just dislocated a bone in my ankle typing this. Laying in bed. Man you just don't know. I think back now to a birthday party when I was 4. Like yesterday. All that TIME gone now. What a ride. I am blessed I have little doubt.
