Dirthand
Well-known Member
Yea sir on the soul. I'm not so sure mine to 2 over developed.
MESO-Rx
Anabolic Steroids
In The Struggle
- Thread starter Dirthand
- Start date
rexy
Member
Man, what a thread and a change of pace from the usual stuff on here, that usually includes ego-farting back and forth. Thread of the century. Kudos for putting this out there.
Trenbolonetax
Well-known Member
I think if everyone was willing to be this brutally vulnerable, this forum would function like paradise.
Dirthand
Well-known Member
Man, you guys have been on my mind this morning as ive been doing my homework since 3:30( thanks deuce) haha. A few of you guys especially, i had a few words for.
@Hayes88 If you go see tha lady today tell her DH said hold that shit down like a ratchet strap.(fucking been there).. Ive seen great men in your shoes tuck tail and walk away, abandon ship.. You sir, are Ride or Die. You have my adoration and my respect. 1-2 tha sweed!!
@T&H @Trenbolonetax I just wanted to touch on the substance abuse thing. i started snorting, smoking, eating and injecting narcotics when i was 16 years old. There is not one you can name that i havent been strung out on to the max. I have been to 5 rehabs, shit ive had 7 DWIs 3 before i even turn 21. in and out of sober living houses..ect never managed to stay clean for longer than a year or 2 in my whole life. This week will be 6 years since ive touched a narcotic or tobacco product. That shit is not you master.
@narta @BuildABro you guys display strong character and leadership taking care of your families as real men should. I have so much respect for that. Even more respect for being "macho" enough to take the time to say.." Dam I struggle and feel alone " I think thoughout history every great leader must have felt like this. The weight of the world on their shoulders.
@Type-IIx Hey man i super appreciate the support, accountability, and the loyalty. Also you put up with my attitude for months.. Thank you Deuce
Peace guys
-D-
@Hayes88 If you go see tha lady today tell her DH said hold that shit down like a ratchet strap.(fucking been there).. Ive seen great men in your shoes tuck tail and walk away, abandon ship.. You sir, are Ride or Die. You have my adoration and my respect. 1-2 tha sweed!!
@T&H @Trenbolonetax I just wanted to touch on the substance abuse thing. i started snorting, smoking, eating and injecting narcotics when i was 16 years old. There is not one you can name that i havent been strung out on to the max. I have been to 5 rehabs, shit ive had 7 DWIs 3 before i even turn 21. in and out of sober living houses..ect never managed to stay clean for longer than a year or 2 in my whole life. This week will be 6 years since ive touched a narcotic or tobacco product. That shit is not you master.
@narta @BuildABro you guys display strong character and leadership taking care of your families as real men should. I have so much respect for that. Even more respect for being "macho" enough to take the time to say.." Dam I struggle and feel alone " I think thoughout history every great leader must have felt like this. The weight of the world on their shoulders.
@Type-IIx Hey man i super appreciate the support, accountability, and the loyalty. Also you put up with my attitude for months.. Thank you Deuce
Peace guys
-D-
Trenbolonetax
Well-known Member
Thanks for the thoughts, Dirthand. This thread and each contributor has been on my mind most of yesterday and this morning, as well.
I'm thankful that my substance abuse issues have never caused real tragedy. However, in a way, that's kinda bad because I've never had a real deep need / motivation to completely nix them. I've always been able to turn things around and generally rebound to a much better place in life than I was prior. My cousin, for example, has died 4 times. But in his words "I just keep waking up." He's now been sober 2 years and just did a stint in Mexico for medically assisted Ibogaine treatment...said it absolutely changed his life and I can tell he went through a pretty transformative experience.
However, with a baby on the way and hearing and seeing the heartbeat recently on ultrasound...really hit me hard in the feels. I can't even talk about the impact it has had on me in person without tearing up. For the first time in my life, I completely broke down during my twice monthly therapy session that I've been participating in for over a decade now.
FFS, I was in Barnes and Noble with my wife and we were checking out children books for fun, and I picked one up (Are you big? by Mo Willems)...picked it up obviously due to the title, lol. Read through it and I started tearing up just thinking about reading this to my girl one day. Always been a sensitive guy, but damn. Nothing brings it out more than thinking about her, and thinking about just how damn lucky I am to have a wife so dedicated to being the best Mother and "baby builder" she can possibly be.
I've never had motivation outside of myself to really keep my self 100% clean and on the right path. I get bored easily with life. So I kill it for 6 months, maybe a year or so, then decide "oh a little drug vacation sounds nice" and that turns into a much longer stint than "planned." But that's just the nature of the beast for an addict. And that is no more.
But with a baby en route...shit just feels completely different. I have no words to describe it. All I know is I'm going to be the best damn Dad and Husband I can possibly be. Period. Addiction runs deep in my family. My dad was an extremely functional alcoholic, and actually a phenomenal Dad. His Dad an alcoholic. My grandmas alcoholics, etc. But I'm going to break this generational curse - I refuse to pass this on or bring it into the environment with a little one.
Anyhow, thanks for listening, thanks for creating the thread, and thanks to all who share. I was never expecting to find this level of wholesomeness and support on a steroid board but boy am I glad.
Hope all reading have a great day; make it a great day.
Dirthand
Well-known Member
I had a stepson that was 23 this was about 7 years ago . He worked with and looked up to me more that I had actually realized . He was also in the marine reserves.. Scrappy fucker too.. Ashamed to admit but we did meth together as we were friends more that stepdad/stepson... smoking meth cause his body to go in to asthmatic shock.. He was put on life support vit his organs shut down on him and we pulled him off life support and he died...this was partly cause for my divorce.. within a year I was in prison...its the kind of things you reflect on as your life goes through your head when on the absolute bottom.. Things of this and other ball dropping situations in life is part of the drive ing forces that made my mind d up to do whatever it takes to try and be a better man..
RIP CJF
Peace
-D-
Trenbolonetax
Well-known Member
I am so sorry. I don't know how to react to this, but I love that you were willing to share this with us. I'm speechless. Truly.
RIP CJF.
I hope you are able to make peace with yourself; you are certainly not the same person today as you were then.
Thank you for sharing bro. You deserve to have an amazing day.
Dirthand
Well-known Member
Please don't be sorry for me..perhaps i say to much... idk...
Deserve... no, but am i going to... hell yes every fucking day , grab the bat .. hug the plate
BuildABro
Well-known Member
My kids are 5 and 7, and I can tell you that children will change your life so dramatically in the next few years bro that you will literally not even be the same person anymore. And it happens quick too. After you take em back home from the hospital your world will never be the same. Ever. For the rest of your life.
It is difficult to even describe how mind blowing this metamorphosis will be for you, but don't worry, it will all make sense in a very intuitive way soon enough.
I am sure you are excited, scared as fuck, bewildered and every other emotion known to mankind all rolled into one. You can read every book or online forum or anything else on the subject of fatherhood (and I did) but all of that bullshit and conventional wisdom goes out the window instantly when it's happening to you in real time.
You will makes mistakes. You will be frustrated. You will be so sleep deprived that your eyeballs will feel like they are falling out of the socket. It's hard damn work raising up a newborn, and the shit gets deeper when you level up to infant and toddler status.
But (and it is a big BUT) there is literally nothing more personally rewarding that you will ever do over the course of your lifetime than being a Dad. And wait until the first time you get called "Da Da" when speech starts to develop. That moment will melt you to the core of your being real quick.
Congrats bro!
narta
Member
It IS different. First and foremost, congrats and all my wishes to your family to hold that precious little thing in your arms when the time comes.
As for the feeling, well... you come to a point when you realize what is the meaning of "it isn't about you anymore".
My kid was, is and will always be my greatest achievement in life, I just hope I live up to his expectations and be a great dad.
I wish you all the best bruv!
narta
Member
I am really sorry you had to live that. I never had addiction problems, other than barbells and plates, but I 've seen enough around me. Everyone deserves a second chance and a third and a fourth for that matter. As long as one is willing to fall and pick himself up again to continue fighting, I 'll be in the sidelines cheering for them. Never look back, the past can't change, only your future. And afaik, from what I 've seen in here, your future is bright and shinny.
Eyes up soldier, straight ahead!
rexy
Member
This thread is continuing to blow my mind - had to check I was still on Meso for a second. That is not a dig either, I mean it positively. Loving this feeling of brotherhood. And no my E2 does not need checking. Although I am on tren so bacareful if bending over....joke. I think.
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Ateam2023
Well-known Member
you my friend are indeed an inspiration to many, i for one love your disposition and livelihood, i can also relate to many things , drug use, prison etc we all have our "sorted paths" , but we have chose to not let them stand in our way to living a " positive &productful life, Thank you for being a POSITIVE human and contributing to harm reduction,,,,, You Rock Brother!
Dirthand
Well-known Member
Dam.. what a week huh.. Just yesterday i got fired from my job twice and quit once.. Here i am though bout to head in.. You cant get rid of dirt that easy. Hell ive been throw in better places than this...We are back to working 6 days a week 12 hrs a day... Def had some losses this week but some big wins that came out of it.
When i do something wrong to someone.., it embarrasses me and makes me feel shameful. When the circle comes full and the opportunity is presented to show humility to sincerely make things right ,,,,, chin up chest out. sir i am sorry and would like for you to forgive me..... The reaction and response i get from situations such as this has NEVER failed to have an amazing outcome. The look on peoples face... I dont think we have time for the back story but its not about the fall anyway. The way up is where character is built..
Peace
-D-
When i do something wrong to someone.., it embarrasses me and makes me feel shameful. When the circle comes full and the opportunity is presented to show humility to sincerely make things right ,,,,, chin up chest out. sir i am sorry and would like for you to forgive me..... The reaction and response i get from situations such as this has NEVER failed to have an amazing outcome. The look on peoples face... I dont think we have time for the back story but its not about the fall anyway. The way up is where character is built..
Peace
-D-
Nunya
Member
This forum has fast become one of my favorite places to hang out and when this thread popped up this morning it leapt to the top. God damn guys. Brutal AND brutally vulnerable. I’ve got something in my eye dammit.
BuildABro
Well-known Member
I have worked for the same employer since I got out of college. My first 'real' job, so to speak. I have been there over a decade. This kind of tenure is pretty rare nowadays, especially in my field (tech) where the dynamic is often more mercenary for the highest bidder than it is employee/employer.
I have been full remote since 2020. It started out as a COVID thing but then the suits figured out that productivity had actually increased with remote. So the mothership and our various satellite offices started to close down permanently as their respective leases expired. Since I could now work from anywhere, this was also when I decided to move back to Arkansas, where I am originally from.
You know it's funny, but back in the day the only thing I cared about was getting away from this place. I was this ultra sophisticated college grad now, right? I needed to live in an environment more closely aligned with newly acquired skill sets and cosmopolitan social status. I was running away from who I was and where I was from like I was ashamed of it.
What I found out over time living in a couple of very large metros is that I spent nearly all of my time trying to live up to standards that I really did not give a shit about. I just pretended to because I wanted to fit in and wanted people to like me. A sad state of affairs. It has only been relatively recently that I have become self aware enough and comfortable enough in my own skin to admit the error of my ways. Being a people pleaser and living a lie for the benefit of others is no way to live.
So here I am, back home since 2022. And that is what this place is and will always be. Everyplace else I have ever lived in my career I was basically just a tourist for all practical purposes. Of course I have money now which I didn't when I lived here before. So I have a pretty big spread on lots of acres, as both property and land is cheap in Arkansas. My children will get raised up right in this beautiful place just as I was.
It's been a long road of self discovery finding out who I really am and what makes me tick. Introspection is not a trait I possess much naturally, but it was a road that ultimately landed me back where I belong.
Sorry for my AM ramble bros. Just my random thoughts spurred on by this awesome thread that I am glad to see revived.
I have been full remote since 2020. It started out as a COVID thing but then the suits figured out that productivity had actually increased with remote. So the mothership and our various satellite offices started to close down permanently as their respective leases expired. Since I could now work from anywhere, this was also when I decided to move back to Arkansas, where I am originally from.
You know it's funny, but back in the day the only thing I cared about was getting away from this place. I was this ultra sophisticated college grad now, right? I needed to live in an environment more closely aligned with newly acquired skill sets and cosmopolitan social status. I was running away from who I was and where I was from like I was ashamed of it.
What I found out over time living in a couple of very large metros is that I spent nearly all of my time trying to live up to standards that I really did not give a shit about. I just pretended to because I wanted to fit in and wanted people to like me. A sad state of affairs. It has only been relatively recently that I have become self aware enough and comfortable enough in my own skin to admit the error of my ways. Being a people pleaser and living a lie for the benefit of others is no way to live.
So here I am, back home since 2022. And that is what this place is and will always be. Everyplace else I have ever lived in my career I was basically just a tourist for all practical purposes. Of course I have money now which I didn't when I lived here before. So I have a pretty big spread on lots of acres, as both property and land is cheap in Arkansas. My children will get raised up right in this beautiful place just as I was.
It's been a long road of self discovery finding out who I really am and what makes me tick. Introspection is not a trait I possess much naturally, but it was a road that ultimately landed me back where I belong.
Sorry for my AM ramble bros. Just my random thoughts spurred on by this awesome thread that I am glad to see revived.
Hold on to that job no matter what you do. Remote IT jobs are becoming a rare commodity. I spent 20 years in IT myself and was laid off last year after I was in a bad car accident. Despite my injuries, I was able to still work 8 hours a day remote from my home. During this time they implemented return to office policies company wide and for no good reason. It resulted in a lot of people being terminated as people were still recovering from the lockdowns and had kids being home schooled etc. A lot of employers are straight up assholes and do not care.
Turns out my whole team that I was managing got offshored to India. Product rollout tanked and the company lost a lot of money. The milions of R+D funds they had invested went up in fumes.
Sadly, I'm mid 40s now and probably aged out of the IT field at least for technical roles despite having a graduate degree in CS. I'm completely starting over and doing something else now and it's really really hard. I was planning to retire from this field... never thought I'd be starting over at my age.
On top of that, I gained a ton of weight from depression and having to be in bed for nearly a year recovering from injuries.
Always be saving and investing. You never know when the rug could be pulled out from under you financially.
I'm definitely In the Struggle right now.
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Dirthand
Well-known Member
Hang in there. . Don't you fucking give up!!
D
Trenbolonetax
Well-known Member
I am sorry to hear that brother. Good news is you’re not alone in The Struggle. None of us are. I’m doing a bit of reinventing myself, right now. Thanks for sharing a bit about your story.
BuildABro
Well-known Member
I know our founder personally, which is how I got the job as an intern initially way back then, so I would say I am safe. I am also high enough up in the pecking order these days that I can't see leaving voluntarily anytime soon either. Things are just different now for me as far as life goes. Kids in school, a mortgage, you know the drill. I can't go run off to work for some startup like many tech bros might do.
Keep your head up though brother. All you can do is to put yourself in the best possible position to make bold life moves. Take care of what you have power to take care of and leave the intangibles and what ifs right where they are. This means taking care of you. Self love. Mind and body! And you are in the perfect place for it.
