In The Struggle

[Trenbolonetax]

@Dirthand you’re a cool dude.

I think a lot of us forget that others are going through shit, too. Sometimes it’s real easy to forget given a lot of hostility on this board from what I believe stems from just a bit too many androgens flowing and, why be compassionate to a random stranger?

I’ll share a bit of my current story. Dropped AAS Jan 29 2024. Got pretty depressed. Ended up losing pretty much all drive and motivation. “Lost” my job. I was pretty much committed to leaving anyways, and had been looking for the right place to jump to for a bit. Unfortunately, since I stopped producing how I should have my boss got to me first. Logged into a 1:1 meeting one day; only to be met by him and HR. Immediately terminated. No PIP, no warning, no nothing.

I have a history of substance abuse issues. Stimulants. Relapsed in an attempt to numb the pain. Easily ate 150+ pints of ice cream in 2 months. Watched my physique deteriorate before my eyes. Didn’t workout for those 2 months. Off AAS + shit diet + no workouts really left me in a bad spot.

Wife is my North Star. I tried to conceal it from here, but she knew something was up even though I’m pretty good at hiding it. “Found me out”, thankfully. Helped support me as I dug myself out of the hole.

Got her pregnant, finally, in August. Jumped back on AAS. Feel 10x better. However, looking back, my job was making me so incredibly unhappy. Sure I made great money, but I was unhappy. Zero fulfillment. Just going through the motions.

She’s type 1 diabetic, high risk pregnancy. We agreed it was the right decision for her to leave her job to focus 100% on controlling her blood sugar and creating an optimal environment for our baby girl. Best blood sugars she’s ever had. She’s 12 weeks a long with an A1C of 6.0. Some of you may not be familiar with managing type 1, but that’s fucking amazing.

Went from two W2 incomes, to 0 W2 incomes. This was motivating as fuck for me, especially with a baby on the way. Thankfully, we do have other sources of income. Rental income. Unemployment for time being. I started doing some consulting + coaching.

Things are working out because we’re willing it to workout. Dramatically have altered our lifestyle and spend due to situation. There is nothing more motivating than knowing you’re responsible for providing for two…you just figure it the fuck out.

I’m still looking for that next perfect gig. Thankfully, there’s not a big rush. We’re doing okay. Side hustle income + other sources are making ends meet for us.

The most important thing? We’re both so incredibly grateful and happy. I’ve learned so much about myself through this adversity. I’ve learned what’s really important.

Did I ever think I would be in this situation 10 months ago? Absolutely not. Am I grateful for the curveball life threw at me? Yes, I actually am. Diamonds are forged under pressure, and that is what is happening.

Adversity is kinda like getting punched in the mouth; what the fuck are you gonna do about it? You’ve got 2 choices; nut up, get back up and keep swinging…or stay the fuck down and give up.

Only one of those choices gives you a fighting chance.

I got into it with a few folks when I first joined the board. I was looking for trouble, looking for a fight. Stepped back and realized I’m taking it out on random people. Decided to do 180, and actually try to legitimately contribute positively to the community.

And I am so glad I did.

If anyone is going through tough times, getting kicked in the balls, over and over…things to get better but only if you push through.

This is an open invitation if anyone ever needs to chat, a shoulder to lean on, or is having problems with substance abuse issues and could use some support. Reach out to me; I could use the support too, and we can help keep each other honest.

Whoops… this got a bit longer than I intended. Thanks for starting the thread @Dirthand.

 

[Dirthand]

…you just figure it the fuck out.

Adversity is kinda like getting punched in the mouth; what the fuck are you gonna do about it? You’ve got 2 choices; nut up, get back up and keep swinging…or stay the fuck down and give up.

Fuck yes... you get it..... your not gonna lay there getting kicked to death.... Big dawg is coming up biting... I can see what your made of in your struggle !!! I see your heart... I am so glad you have someone with you.. to fight for and to fight with you.. To hear you cherish that touches the heart dawg!!!! Keep swinging... thank you for sharing your story... what an inspiration..
Peace
-D-

 

[Dirthand]

Listen folks.. Your only a failure if you give up and quit trying.. Grab the bat and hug the plate!
@Hayes88 thanks for the PM.. Hang in their dawg, you are definitely in my thoughts.. I see your heart big dawg!!! You carry a heavy load.. respect..
Peace
-D-

 

[narta]

Kudos to all of you out there who keep getting knocked down, stand up and punch back. It takes courage to do that. And courage is not the absence of fear, but the sheer will of going forward when you are afraid.

Personally, well, since we all know each other, but we are truly strangers, I am broken. Truly, utterly, fucking broken.

Yeah, I said it.

My life is "perfect" from anyone looking from the outside. Happy family, joyful people all around, enjoying life. Good job, income security, the works.

But I am fucking tired. Everyday, wake up, walk the dogs, put up the happy-fucking-person suit, go to work and zone in to that for 10h or so, back at the house, play with the kid, go to gym, dinner, little reading, little tv or "quality time" with my SO, to sleep. Rinse and repeat.

Perfect eh?

Fucking perfect...

But, I am spent. I 've been the point of reference for everyone for 3 decades. I 've been on my own for 4 decades ffs. I 've made my food, read myself for my homework, prepare for school, budgeted for things, deal with my problems, deal with my parents problems, then SO problems, her parents problems etc.

Meso is the outlet of my frustrations, anger, or in my good days the place I help someone.

I look forward to retirement for all of the above. Kid will be all grown up and on his own way. My parents will be gone probably. I want my peace. A cabin in the woods with my dogs. SO will probably choose to stay behind, she is too attached to social life. Doesn't really matter.

It may all seem that I lay there and take it and not fighting back. Well, I do, I am still breathing, ain't I? That's a win in my book.

P.S. Did I ask for help? Yes. Did I talk about it with my SO, parents etc? Yes. Did it help? No. Meds? No, I ain't touching shit, it's not depression, it's facts, and I don't really like fucking with my brain chemistry. So I just breath in and breath out, till time passes and I can finally have my peace.

 

[BuildABro]

While struggle has defined the majority of my life (pretty much all of it until about 5-7 years ago) I have to say that I am in a really good place in my life right now. I can never recall a previous point where I was quite so positive and fired up to face each new day. And I must say this is an incredible headspace to inhabit.

My financial house is in order, the fam is doing well and in the last 12 months I have made tremendous progress in this little subculture of ours in terms of my goals. Gains are like crack. They provide that quick hit of adrenaline that satisfies the inner bad ass, but it wears off quickly and then the pursuit for that next hit begins. Some might call the relentless way that I pursue weight training to be neurotic. And maybe it is, but you know what? IDGAF. It feels incredible.

I guess the only real nagging thought in the back of my brain lately is the question of “so where are you going with this, buildAbro?” What’s the end game? I keep getting bigger and stronger of course, but then what? Chase gains forever? Get big enough to start entering contests? Take my meager online coaching side hustle of 4 clients more broad and quit my day job to do fitness full time?

At this point I honestly do not have an answer to this internal dialogue. I don’t know what the final destination is. I just know that I am enjoying the ride so much that it hardly seems to matter.

 

[Trenbolonetax]

Who the hell is cutting onions in here?

 

[Dirthand]

Kudos to all of you out there who keep getting knocked down, stand up and punch back. It takes courage to do that. And courage is not the absence of fear, but the sheer will of going forward when you are afraid.

Personally, well, since we all know each other, but we are truly strangers, I am broken. Truly, utterly, fucking broken.

Yeah, I said it.

My life is "perfect" from anyone looking from the outside. Happy family, joyful people all around, enjoying life. Good job, income security, the works.

But I am fucking tired. Everyday, wake up, walk the dogs, put up the happy-fucking-person suit, go to work and zone in to that for 10h or so, back at the house, play with the kid, go to gym, dinner, little reading, little tv or "quality time" with my SO, to sleep. Rinse and repeat.

Perfect eh?

Fucking perfect...

But, I am spent. I 've been the point of reference for everyone for 3 decades. I 've been on my own for 4 decades ffs. I 've made my food, read myself for my homework, prepare for school, budgeted for things, deal with my problems, deal with my parents problems, then SO problems, her parents problems etc.

Meso is the outlet of my frustrations, anger, or in my good days the place I help someone.

I look forward to retirement for all of the above. Kid will be all grown up and on his own way. My parents will be gone probably. I want my peace. A cabin in the woods with my dogs. SO will probably choose to stay behind, she is too attached to social life. Doesn't really matter.

It may all seem that I lay there and take it and not fighting back. Well, I do, I am still breathing, ain't I? That's a win in my book.

P.S. Did I ask for help? Yes. Did I talk about it with my SO, parents etc? Yes. Did it help? No. Meds? No, I ain't touching shit, it's not depression, it's facts, and I don't really like fucking with my brain chemistry. So I just breath in and breath out, till time passes and I can finally have my peace.

This is the struggles throught the eyes of a true leader..
Fucking soldier..... much Respect,
Peace
-D-

 

[Dirthand]

While struggle has defined the majority of my life (pretty much all of it until about 5-7 years ago) I have to say that I am in a really good place in my life right now. I can never recall a previous point where I was quite so positive and fired up to face each new day. And I must say this is an incredible headspace to inhabit.

My financial house is in order, the fam is doing well and in the last 12 months I have made tremendous progress in this little subculture of ours in terms of my goals. Gains are like crack. They provide that quick hit of adrenaline that satisfies the inner bad ass, but it wears off quickly and then the pursuit for that next hit begins. Some might call the relentless way that I pursue weight training to be neurotic. And maybe it is, but you know what? IDGAF. It feels incredible.

I guess the only real nagging thought in the back of my brain lately is the question of “so where are you going with this, buildAbro?” What’s the end game? I keep getting bigger and stronger of course, but then what? Chase gains forever? Get big enough to start entering contests? Take my meager online coaching side hustle of 4 clients more broad and quit my day job to do fitness full time?

At this point I honestly do not have an answer to this internal dialogue. I don’t know what the final destination is. I just know that I am enjoying the ride so much that it hardly seems to matter.

I celebrate life with you!!
Peace
D

 

[Dirthand]

Reading all you guys responding as i sit outside the dentist office waiting for them to open really inspires.. me It really a thing to see people pit their vulnerability out there and speak from the heart... This really means quite a thing to this simple country boy......
Thank you folks for sharing a little about yourselves.. I feel a sure sense of community..
Peace
-D-

 

[Hayes88]

This thread brought up some damn inspiring people I gotta say, hope it continues and more share and provide. Thank you for checkin in on us @Dirthand , I think I speak for all we appreciate you.

In regards to the eye-opening post from @narta, it really shows what some consider as perfect is far from. My friend I mentioned above wanting to feel shit with someone has a very similar life to yours.

He has a lovely wife, a house, 2 lovely kids, and works on voice acting for Disney movies meeting all kinds of social and even famous people. He is spent as you mentioned. I felt I was going through a lot seeking what he has, but he looks way worse than me having that. Despite that, all think it's amazing as Instagram is full of "proud of my girl" pics. Though finding someone understanding him, he opened up. He was much happier alone making music in his apartment having his space and peace. It says a lot about you brother that you've sacrificed tremendously for others, I truly hope you find your own calm and happiness soon.

Not sure if you guys have seen it, there is a short video on youtube with two gentlemen going to the fotball (soccer) matches together, every game, one is seemingly very happy and the other one depressed. The ending choked me up... Recommended.

On a positive note, I feel that life and people are changing. When I was young and got bit bad, I was told I overreact, make it up, or I am always wrong. I was taught to be weak and see everything as my fault. My parents were brought up the same. Today I see fully tattoo'd guys built like an oak seeing someone struggle who he doesn't even know and gives him a hand. Brethren bonding together and actually sits with you, in real or online. The support is there guys, and this board proves it time and time again.

 

[Trenbolonetax]

I’m really encouraged by the responses in this thread. There’s quite a stigma about men and broadly, mental health / having emotions.

We’re always just supposed to nut up and do what is necessary. That is definitely true to a certain extent. But when and where do we get the support that we need to share some of these deep seated feelings and issues that we struggle with?

Therapy is great, but not every therapist understands some of the unique struggles that occur in our sub culture.

@narta example is perfect, imo. Obviously a strong mental, emotional, and physical dude who does what needs to be done. That is commendable and admirable in my eyes.

But what about the support for him? He’s had “the team on his back” it sounds like for as long as he can remember.

All of this serves as a good reminder that we all go through struggle, and it’s relatively unique to our situations.

But at the end of the day, we have quite a bit in common. There is something that drives us all here to this forum, to contribute, to take AAS, and to build our bodies. Some may call it a screw loose, some may call it insecurity.

I like to think it’s just our way of coping with the demands imposed on us by modern life and is an outlet for us to blow off frustration, steam, sadness, etc.

I believe he once welcomed a member here Something along the lines of “welcome to the insane asylum”…. And I think there is quite a bit of truth to that, in the best way possible. A beautiful madness, lol.

 

[narta]

But when and where do we get the support that we need to share some of these deep seated feelings and issues that we struggle with?

Nowhere.

A large part of my situation is the culture I was raised. Men, don't supposed to have feelings. They just need to man up. When my grandpa died I was devastated. Not a single tear was shed though, because, men don't cry. They just man up. Whatever it takes. You get hurt? Walk it off. Provide and protect. That's what matters to the world around you.

But, allas, all my experiences and my life path is what it made me who I am today. Would I change a thing? Maybe, but I have the opportunity to be the one that breaks the chain: my son will be raised without the fear to express himself, his feelings and his wants. The man up pussy, dies with me. He will be a tough mf for sure, but he will not suffer the loneliness I suffer from.

For my family, that fucked up mentality, dies with me.

 

[BuildABro]

Nowhere.

A large part of my situation is the culture I was raised. Men, don't supposed to have feelings. They just need to man up. When my grandpa died I was devastated. Not a single tear was shed though, because, men don't cry. They just man up. Whatever it takes. You get hurt? Walk it off. Provide and protect. That's what matters to the world around you.

But, allas, all my experiences and my life path is what it made me who I am today. Would I change a thing? Maybe, but I have the opportunity to be the one that breaks the chain: my son will be raised without the fear to express himself, his feelings and his wants. The man up pussy, dies with me. He will be a tough mf for sure, but he will not suffer the loneliness I suffer from.

For my family, that fucked up mentality, dies with me.

Very much the same type of cultural norms in rural Arkansas where I hail from. My entire world basically began and ended at the county line until I left for college. Men were expected to conduct themselves in the Southern gentleman manner of internalizing emotion, projecting masculinity and acting as a protector and stern patriarch of the family unit.

Some of those traditions I carry on to this day. It's always 'sir' and 'maim' to everyone I meet from total strangers on the street to people I have known for years. Everyone invited into my home is a cherished guest and treated accordingly, and if I see you on the side of the road with a flat tire or your hood open I will pull over immediately to offer assistance. That stuff is as normal to me as breathing. It's part of makes me, well, me! And it will never go away even if I wanted it to.

Now the other aspects of never giving my old man a hug, like ever, even to this day? Not even the day I graduated from college or the day I got married? Not so much. Its always just a handshake and 'good job, boy' or something to that effect. Or how about numerous members of my family that got into one argument and have not spoken for years because pride won't allow them to admit they were wrong to to even offer to talk about it? Also a big WTF from my perspective.

I guess the bad part is the older I get it seems like the more I start to notice myself acting in a manner not that far removed from my father and pappy before him.

 

[narta]

It's always 'sir' and 'maim' to everyone I meet from total strangers on the street to people I have known for years. Everyone invited into my home is a cherished guest and treated accordingly, and if I see you on the side of the road with a flat tire or your hood open I will pull over immediately to offer assistance.

That's called being a decent human. Kudos to you, being one.

The other stuff though... Fucked up. Bottling up emotions in order to comply with the image of a "tough man" is laughable.

Being a man is loving your wife and family, hugging your kid when it feels valuable or when it feels joy, kneeling down and talking to him/her and listen to the big deal of the drawing that he/she made. Things, like listening when a friend needs to vent, a brother needs to lash out in order to be sane again. You take it in and bury it with you, because you can, when he can't. You help a stranger in need, an animal, anyone, specially those who have nothing to give back. And when push comes to shove, you become the barrier between ill intentions and the ones you love, whatever it takes.

It seems contradictory, because if you take the above paragraph without any context, it's the perfect description of a "tough man". Take in, bury within, rinse, repeat.

The flip side to that coin is that it comes a point in time, where you either break and lash out to anyone, and that's unfair to others, or you find an outlet. That's where the love for the iron comes in. Or any other "sport/hobby". It keeps you sane, for a little longer.

But as time goes on, it's not enough. You lust for the deafening silence. You are already lonely, now you seek to be alone. You want...peace.

 

[narta]

@Dirthand I needed this.

Thanks.

 

[Trenbolonetax]

@Dirthand I needed this.

Thanks.

Yes. Following on this comment, because it was also exactly what I needed. Great little therapy / vent / bro talk session.

 

[Type-IIx]

What's up people?? Just a little warning this may not be in perfect paragraph form..

I like to see people in their struggle. Not because I like to see people have hardships or go through things. Its because you get to see what someone is made of in the struggle, Who they are, you get to see their heart. Do they lay their getting kicked waiting for rescue, or do they come up swinging and fight for their life. Everybody goes through shit. Here lately i have been struggling with some of life's shit. ( just as everyone does)

I use the Meso forum as an outlet and inlet. Here lately in the struggle i have been looking to my Meso community for some inspiration, unfortunately most of what i have found has not been too inspiring.. I am guilty of contributions of the chaos at times for sure. ( my apologies Fam)

So I guess the idea of the thread is that i will share a little of my struggle and what i am going to do about it. Hopefully this will spark some positive feedback and interaction to where other people feel comfortable sharing their there struggle and what they are doing about. The struggles that we overcome could very well inspire somebody at the just right time and be the difference of them laying there getting kicked to death or having the courage to fight.

Make no mistake Dirt's coming up like a biting dog, i will not lay their and get kick. I first thing i will do when i get on my feet is turn around and help the people up that I've knocked down on my way up. You know the ones that was kicking me, and forgive them. weather that be people, circumstances, Principals, SELF. You cant spread positivity with negativity in your heart. @Ghoul I've resented you for some things please forgive me.

My struggle has been isolation, i deal with some institutionalization. Its just easy not to deal with people.. I ventured out on that, and it didn't turn out well. Life started to not make sense. My feelings and emotions overwhelmed me because i just simply haven't had to deal with that kind of shit in years.. I have found that when things don't makes sense you find the one thing that does and focus on that until things start to fit elsewhere. The one thing in my life that has made sense the last couple years is my physical fitness journey. It has taught me a lot about discipline, self control, structure and allowed me to see just what i am made of. i had broke from that a little so I took back up with @type11x as my coach to help me get my focus back on the things that make sense to me. i appreciate the Deuce for taking me back!!

Folks you may just laugh at this.. and that's ok.. if its not you thing keep it pushin. However Fuckers, I want to be inspired an in return i want to be a positive and supporting influence in other peoples lives and help them be their best. Weight training, weight loss, fitness, all of this is a good healthy outlet to get your focus on track. Nobody can tell you your struggle is wrong or right... its yours, dont let anyone take that from you.

List of core values
Affirmation
Restoration
Community
Accountability
Responsibility

Come on fuckers lets lift each other up.
Peace
-D-

Nobody is going to laugh at this. This is raw. This is life! @Ghoul bro FYI I doubt we won’t have any disagreements but I value loyalty bro, nothing personal at ALL

 

[Dirthand]

Wow, really all i can say....The reality, and the depth that you guys have put into the responses.. The real, raw, detailed and honest accounts You guys have throw out there has touched my heart and fucking inspired me. Honestly i did not expect this kind of response.

Some of you guys have touched on the culture of which you were raised and how ya'll are making a generational stand to change the future of you legacy's. It brings to mind a book I read and took a class on when i was down. "Healing damaged emotions" I thought shit, you gotta have emotions in the first place for them to be damaged. Healing from what.. As i read through the book i came to the realization that in fact my emotions were very much damaged and needed healed..
As an example.... I grew up on a cattle and chicken ranch.. 11 chicken houses and we ran around 500 head of cattle.( my grandparents) Its where i learned my work ethic and all sorts of normal lifes lessons.. Anyone that has raised livestock know that you must protect the herd.. or flock.. If a stray dog, or hell your own dog took to chasing your cows it got shot and drug off... i always had to do the dragging. there was one time i found some puppies in one of our barns a stray dog had.. when i showed my grandpa he said they needed to be put out of their misery. True enough i started to the truck to get th .22 and he stopped me and said they were not worth the bullets and handed me a hammer.. I was around 11 or 12. Looking back i think that shit effected me even though it was a normal type thing in the culture i was raised.
After that book and several other rebuild your life shit, i realized what i was taught as normal was not as such.. In the process my heart has been changed. I couldnt do something like that today if my life depened on it.
Any way , listening to you guys talk about hanging in there and being the leaders of your families even when its long and its tough.. thats some real tough guy shit.. A lyric from a song i like.." if misery loves company then why am i alone, im the go to guy.. so who do i go to, when i need some help..." Jelly Roll .. Nothing left at all.

Peace,
-D-

 

[Type-IIx]

Reading all you guys responding as i sit outside the dentist office waiting for them to open really inspires.. me It really a thing to see people pit their vulnerability out there and speak from the heart... This really means quite a thing to this simple country boy......
Thank you folks for sharing a little about yourselves.. I feel a sure sense of community..
Peace
-D-

I’m sitting down again tonight to properly read this and this is without a doubt the most important thread on this forum in a long time

 

[Type-IIx]

Wow, really all i can say....The reality, and the depth that you guys have put into the responses.. The real, raw, detailed and honest accounts You guys have throw out there has touched my heart and fucking inspired me. Honestly i did not expect this kind of response.

Some of you guys have touched on the culture of which you were raised and how ya'll are making a generational stand to change the future of you legacy's. It brings to mind a book I read and took a class on when i was down. "Healing damaged emotions" I thought shit, you gotta have emotions in the first place for them to be damaged. Healing from what.. As i read through the book i came to the realization that in fact my emotions were very much damaged and needed healed..
As an example.... I grew up on a cattle and chicken ranch.. 11 chicken houses and we ran around 500 head of cattle.( my grandparents) Its where i learned my work ethic and all sorts of normal lifes lessons.. Anyone that has raised livestock know that you must protect the herd.. or flock.. If a stray dog, or hell your own dog took to chasing your cows it got shot and drug off... i always had to do the dragging. there was one time i found some puppies in one of our barns a stray dog had.. when i showed my grandpa he said they needed to be put out of their misery. True enough i started to the truck to get th .22 and he stopped me and said they were not worth the bullets and handed me a hammer.. I was around 11 or 12. Looking back i think that shit effected me even though it was a normal type thing in the culture i was raised.
After that book and several other rebuild your life shit, i realized what i was taught as normal was not as such.. In the process my heart has been changed. I couldnt do something like that today if my life depened on it.
Any way , listening to you guys talk about hanging in there and being the leaders of your families even when its long and its tough.. thats some real tough guy shit.. A lyric from a song i like.." if misery loves company then why am i alone, im the go to guy.. so who do i go to, when i need some help..." Jelly Roll .. Nothing left at all.

Peace,
-D-

It’s vicious but everyone used to throw the cats in the river and make sure they drowned. Wasn’t long ago. Humans are animals but we’re weighed down by overdeveloped brains BUT ALSO have a soul