Depression and Low Self Esteem

[1tank1]

This is going to be a bit of a sob story tbh but it's a conversation I think I need to have and hopefully I might get some good advice on here instead of being mocked and ridiculed by silly jacked-up kids like I was the last time I reached out for "personal" help on a bbing forum..

About me:
I've battled with different degrees of depression for a long time now (approx 15 years) that it has almost become a normal way of life for me now to be unhappy and miserable 90% of the time but I want to make changes this year and at least try to be positive and see some beauty in being alive. (P.S I've never had suicidal thoughts.....I'm just mentally and emotionally numb most of the time and day to day life is just a boring grind for me with no pleasure at all coz I really don't care about anyone or anything anymore).

I'm early 50s now and I have remained single since the end of a really long and deep relationship with a woman who was my true soul mate in life and I know I could never find anyone as special as her ever again so I've detached myself from forming real relationships and trust with women coz I never wanna feel that type of pain again. It's a self destructive way to think, I know, but I just can't shake it off. I've been through some tough experiences in my life and always bounced back but the end of that relationship broke my soul and my spirit beyond repair and turned me into a totally different (negative) character.

Being honest, I drink more than I should (booze) and I hate it coz it does nothing good for me but on the other hand it helps coz it keeps me emotionally numb and uncaring and in a "neutral" state of mind. I don't wanna spend what's left of my life thinking this way though so changes are on the horizon no matter how hard they might be.

I cycle gear regularly (low doses) and I always eat a reasonably healthy diet. I train consistently too but being honest I don't give it the required effort that I should.

I've set a date in my mind of May 1st for the start of a new direction in my life and I'll be spending the weeks prior preparing myself mentally and reducing my alcohol consumption and listening to "positive thinking" seminars online.

Any helpful advice and support from MESO members would be much appreciated.

 

[Megadick3000]

No matter what you believe there is a million woman out there who can give you the fulfillment you believe only one could. There is no soul mate. Get rid of that thinking and go date some ladies. Sure you wont connect with the majority of them, thats normal, but eventually you will find a woman who you just feel that spark with. There is plenty of fish in the sea and lots of great single ladies out there. Stick to women reasonably within your age range, if you want something fulfilling woman with similar levels of life experience will be most likely to give you that. Trying to find things in common with a girl half your age isnt easy. Theres lots of sexy ladies in your age range, particularly asian ladies who age a lot better. I live in asia and i see smoking hot ladies in their 40s and 50s everyday, im 37 and id smash those older ladies into oblivion if given the chance.

 

[Driada Medical]

This is going to be a bit of a sob story tbh but it's a conversation I think I need to have and hopefully I might get some good advice on here instead of being mocked and ridiculed by silly jacked-up kids like I was the last time I reached out for "personal" help on a bbing forum..

About me:
I've battled with different degrees of depression for a long time now (approx 15 years) that it has almost become a normal way of life for me now to be unhappy and miserable 90% of the time but I want to make changes this year and at least try to be positive and see some beauty in being alive. (P.S I've never had suicidal thoughts.....I'm just mentally and emotionally numb most of the time and day to day life is just a boring grind for me with no pleasure at all coz I really don't care about anyone or anything anymore).

I'm early 50s now and I have remained single since the end of a really long and deep relationship with a woman who was my true soul mate in life and I know I could never find anyone as special as her ever again so I've detached myself from forming real relationships and trust with women coz I never wanna feel that type of pain again. It's a self destructive way to think, I know, but I just can't shake it off. I've been through some tough experiences in my life and always bounced back but the end of that relationship broke my soul and my spirit beyond repair and turned me into a totally different (negative) character.

Being honest, I drink more than I should (booze) and I hate it coz it does nothing good for me but on the other hand it helps coz it keeps me emotionally numb and uncaring and in a "neutral" state of mind. I don't wanna spend what's left of my life thinking this way though so changes are on the horizon no matter how hard they might be.

I cycle gear regularly (low doses) and I always eat a reasonably healthy diet. I train consistently too but being honest I don't give it the required effort that I should.

I've set a date in my mind of May 1st for the start of a new direction in my life and I'll be spending the weeks prior preparing myself mentally and reducing my alcohol consumption and listening to "positive thinking" seminars online.

Any helpful advice and support from MESO members would be much appreciated.

Greetings, friend! Let's start with the simplest - do you take any medications? Write down the whole list, please.

 

[1tank1]

Greetings, friend! Let's start with the simplest - do you take any medications? Write down the whole list, please.

I'm drug free apart from alcohol and test/tren cycles.

 

[Canknucklehead]

This is going to be a bit of a sob story tbh but it's a conversation I think I need to have and hopefully I might get some good advice on here instead of being mocked and ridiculed by silly jacked-up kids like I was the last time I reached out for "personal" help on a bbing forum..

About me:
I've battled with different degrees of depression for a long time now (approx 15 years) that it has almost become a normal way of life for me now to be unhappy and miserable 90% of the time but I want to make changes this year and at least try to be positive and see some beauty in being alive. (P.S I've never had suicidal thoughts.....I'm just mentally and emotionally numb most of the time and day to day life is just a boring grind for me with no pleasure at all coz I really don't care about anyone or anything anymore).

I'm early 50s now and I have remained single since the end of a really long and deep relationship with a woman who was my true soul mate in life and I know I could never find anyone as special as her ever again so I've detached myself from forming real relationships and trust with women coz I never wanna feel that type of pain again. It's a self destructive way to think, I know, but I just can't shake it off. I've been through some tough experiences in my life and always bounced back but the end of that relationship broke my soul and my spirit beyond repair and turned me into a totally different (negative) character.

Being honest, I drink more than I should (booze) and I hate it coz it does nothing good for me but on the other hand it helps coz it keeps me emotionally numb and uncaring and in a "neutral" state of mind. I don't wanna spend what's left of my life thinking this way though so changes are on the horizon no matter how hard they might be.

I cycle gear regularly (low doses) and I always eat a reasonably healthy diet. I train consistently too but being honest I don't give it the required effort that I should.

I've set a date in my mind of May 1st for the start of a new direction in my life and I'll be spending the weeks prior preparing myself mentally and reducing my alcohol consumption and listening to "positive thinking" seminars online.

Any helpful advice and support from MESO members would be much appreciated.

Hey bro

It sounds like you are on the verge of changing your life around for the better. Congratulations on wanting to improve.

As for the ex...
Burn the past
Turn the page
And move on.

As said previously ... there are plenty of great women out there just waiting for you to meet them. You might even meet another “swole” mate

As for the depression... have you talked to a doctor? I would recommend some counseling. It could improve your outlook on life. Also remember that your life could be a million times worse than it is. So try to count your blessings... however small they may be.

I would recommend doing more cardio... helps my mental health big time... possibly due to feel good endorphins.

And alcohol is a downer... you may think it makes you numb but it is most likely exacerbating your problems. How often are you drinking? How much?
I’ve seen first hand how much alcohol can take over someone’s life. I have been trying to help a family member through a bad alcohol problem lately. It is a tough problem to kick.

Also do you have any hobbies, interests, or things you want to pursue. Now would be a great time to focus on these.

The only other thing I would recommend is starting ASAP. Why wait until May 1... sounds like a BS excuse to me!

Good luck with your journey and keep us posted bro. Let us know if we can help I anyway. Sending good vibes your way!

 

[1tank1]

@Canknucklehead

I appreciate you taking the time to reply bro and you've given me some things to consider.

I've seen my GP and had a complete (very embarrassing) tearful mental breakdown in front of him when he got me to open up and talk about my personal struggles but May 1st has to be the realistic start date for life changes coz I'm going into private rehab for a 4 week detox next month and that's gonna be a very secluded/isolated experience.

 

[Driada Medical]

I'm drug free apart from alcohol and test/tren cycles.

I mean antidepressants, sedatives, sleeping pills and other psychoactive substances

 

[1tank1]

I mean antidepressants, sedatives, sleeping pills and other psychoactive substances.

Nothing like that now bro, no drugs in my system, but I did over-do some reccys when I was a kid (weed/mdma/cocaine).

 

[theotherguy]

It sounds to me (I am not a doctor) like there’s 3 self induced issues here (I don’t mean to trivialize your issues, but they seem to be directly under your control). 1) Tren is known to cause emotional detachment/apathy. 2) you have intentionally, and understandably, detached yourself from people. 3) obviously the booze

As cliche as this might sound, it sounds to me like you need to find your own self worth and work on loving you for you. You are not beyond repair, you’re just in a tough spot.

 

[Jayne Scott]

I'm really sorry to hear this. Depression is never a good thing, but you seem to be aware that there's a problem and you've taken positive steps to deal with the issues - which is absolutely the right call. Talking about it is always a release and I'm here to talk to if it helps. Goodluck.

 

[Fattyone]

Didn’t read any comments but go to therapy dude. I fucking love it and think everyone should have a bad ass therapist.
It’s not like what you see on the movies. We talk just as much about all the random I smash as much as we talk about the real shit I’m there for. She’s cool as fuck and therapy day is my favorite day.

 

[1tank1]

It sounds to me (I am not a doctor) like there’s 3 self induced issues here (I don’t mean to trivialize your issues, but they seem to be directly under your control). 1) Tren is known to cause emotional detachment/apathy. 2) you have intentionally, and understandably, detached yourself from people. 3) obviously the booze

As cliche as this might sound, it sounds to me like you need to find your own self worth and work on loving you for you. You are not beyond repair, you’re just in a tough spot.

Booze is an issue with me but I've never considered Tren in the equation.
Cheers bro. More things to consider

 

[Canknucklehead]

@Canknucklehead

I appreciate you taking the time to reply bro and you've given me some things to consider.

I've seen my GP and had a complete (very embarrassing) tearful mental breakdown in front of him when he got me to open up and talk about my personal struggles but May 1st has to be the realistic start date for life changes coz I'm going into private rehab for a 4 week detox next month and that's gonna be a very secluded/isolated experience.

I wish you good luck my friend. Some alone time to think will be therapeutic too.

Keep us posted on your progress!

 

[Driada Medical]

The best thing you can do right now I make sure you don’t stimulate your adrenergic and dopaminergic cascades even more, that means:

No more coffee
No more pre workouts
No more load music especially in the evenings

And at the same time
Good quality sleep(google sleep hygiene)
At least 4 grams of carbs per kilo bodyweight
800-1500 mgs magnesium glycanite spread through meals
800mgs ashwagandha 7% ksm in the evenings
A good vitamin B complex with methyleted forms of vitamins, B Right from jarrow formulas is a good pick

 

[Canknucklehead]

Booze is an issue with me but I've never considered Tren in the equation.
Cheers bro. More things to consider

I wouldn’t consider tren a feel good drug. It kind of makes most people pissy pants. If you were going to switch your gear around I would drop all 19-nors (tren, deca, etc). Possibly just run test and perhaps dbol.

 

[God&Gainz]

Nothing like that now bro, no drugs in my system, but I did over-do some reccys when I was a kid (weed/mdma/cocaine).

Hey man, takes balls to know when to ask for help. Good for you and sending well wishes.

I can relate, MDMA and Coke were my favorite drugs while in college and while I may not be as old as you I feel the effects of overuse everyday. They really hit your dopamine receptors hard and if constantly abused it is hard for your brain to match those highs and can cause you to get anhedonic. FAST.

That being said I've realized this is largely a mental battle. Everyday we have a new chance to fight. What helps me is to take things one small task at a time and do my absolute best at it to not overwhelm myself and feel proud of myself as gay as that sounds.

Secondly, dopamine fasting is very powerful. No porn. No jacking off. No music (or in very low doses). Pretty much nothing that triggers a powerful dopamine response for a few days at the very least but ideally 1-2 weeks.

Your brain will be forced to compensate by finding pleasure in the little things and you will see life through a brighter lens.

Lastly, I love tren more then most but ive stayed away for a few years. It puts your CNS in overdrive and can induce anxiety. Tren is a very mental drug. Most peoples success with it comes as a result of positive mental state while running it.

Sorry for the long response, but I understand your pain and you are not alone. Wishing you the best.

 

[1tank1]

Hey man, takes balls to know when to ask for help. Good for you and sending well wishes.

I can relate, MDMA and Coke were my favorite drugs while in college and while I may not be as old as you I feel the effects of overuse everyday. They really hit your dopamine receptors hard and if constantly abused it is hard for your brain to match those highs and can cause you to get anhedonic. FAST.

That being said I've realized this is largely a mental battle. Everyday we have a new chance to fight. What helps me is to take things one small task at a time and do my absolute best at it to not overwhelm myself and feel proud of myself as gay as that sounds.

Secondly, dopamine fasting is very powerful. No porn. No jacking off. No music (or in very low doses). Pretty much nothing that triggers a powerful dopamine response for a few days at the very least but ideally 1-2 weeks.

Your brain will be forced to compensate by finding pleasure in the little things and you will see life through a brighter lens.

Lastly, I love tren more then most but ive stayed away for a few years. It puts your CNS in overdrive and can induce anxiety. Tren is a very mental drug. Most peoples success with it comes as a result of positive mental state while running it.

Sorry for the long response, but I understand your pain and you are not alone. Wishing you the best.

Respect to you for this reply Bro
It hit some nerves with me and I can tell you're being honest.

 

[Canknucklehead]

@1tank1

How’s life my friend? Hope you are on the up and up!

 

[Sp2.0]

Youtube Wes Watson when you get to the point of needing motivational speaking. It's been a minute since I've listened to him but he was pretty solid.

 

[1tank1]

@1tank1

How’s life my friend? Hope you are on the up and up!

Hi bro and thanks for showing an interest. I did a 4 week booze detox under medical supervision and thankfully didn't get too many bad side effects other than the shakes, sweats, nightmares, confusion, sleep issues, and vomiting/gastro issues.

I've got a personal adviser now that I can talk to anytime about personal issues in life instead of going to group therapy and chatting to strangers and that's very helpful so far. I haven't totally quit drinking yet but I've cut it down by a whopping 75% and been consitent with that for a few weeks now so I'm happy with my progress so far and I feel a lot better about myself lately.

Tren has been dropped and I'm not gonna touch it again this year so I'm only on Test now and nothing else.

I'm heading in the right direction but it's gonna be a long road dealing with my personal agendas and facing them instead of running away or using booze/steroids to escape reality.

Cheers for the support bro. Really appreciated !