Depression and Low Self Esteem

[BawlsDeep]

I got tired of it. Actually, I got to the point that I could not turn it off and found myself "Stuck" like that for at least a year after. All the hyper-thought processing all that shit. I becomes a curse. Then you hit 50 and Blood Pressure becomes an issue... Hell I have a chance to start Provigil now which is supposed to be quite the thinking mans drug. But I just don't have the heart.. And once you have lost your tolerance for amphetamines its a different game. I really wonder if I could ever get used to that again. But it always affected me like that seems like I could stretch 20mgs of that stuff out for 2 days straight with no sleep back in late my 20's when I started using it for work...

And yea, had I known I needed Adderall when back in school my life would have turned out way different...

I took a break and when i restarted i dodnt have amy of that amazing euphoria i had before. Twas sad. Shoulda never stopped

 

[Inspired]

I got tired of it. Actually, I got to the point that I could not turn it off and found myself "Stuck" like that for at least a year after. All the hyper-thought processing all that shit. I becomes a curse. Then you hit 50 and Blood Pressure becomes an issue... Hell I have a chance to start Provigil now which is supposed to be quite the thinking mans drug. But I just don't have the heart.. And once you have lost your tolerance for amphetamines its a different game. I really wonder if I could ever get used to that again. But it always affected me like that seems like I could stretch 20mgs of that stuff out for 2 days straight with no sleep back in late my 20's when I started using it for work...

And yea, had I known I needed Adderall when back in school my life would have turned out way different...

Try Vyvanse in lower doses. One pill, lasts all day, smooth. It will give you that edge and it packs power, but it's very tolerable.

 

[Inspired]

This is going to be a bit of a sob story tbh but it's a conversation I think I need to have and hopefully I might get some good advice on here instead of being mocked and ridiculed by silly jacked-up kids like I was the last time I reached out for "personal" help on a bbing forum..

About me:
I've battled with different degrees of depression for a long time now (approx 15 years) that it has almost become a normal way of life for me now to be unhappy and miserable 90% of the time but I want to make changes this year and at least try to be positive and see some beauty in being alive. (P.S I've never had suicidal thoughts.....I'm just mentally and emotionally numb most of the time and day to day life is just a boring grind for me with no pleasure at all coz I really don't care about anyone or anything anymore).

I'm early 50s now and I have remained single since the end of a really long and deep relationship with a woman who was my true soul mate in life and I know I could never find anyone as special as her ever again so I've detached myself from forming real relationships and trust with women coz I never wanna feel that type of pain again. It's a self destructive way to think, I know, but I just can't shake it off. I've been through some tough experiences in my life and always bounced back but the end of that relationship broke my soul and my spirit beyond repair and turned me into a totally different (negative) character.

Being honest, I drink more than I should (booze) and I hate it coz it does nothing good for me but on the other hand it helps coz it keeps me emotionally numb and uncaring and in a "neutral" state of mind. I don't wanna spend what's left of my life thinking this way though so changes are on the horizon no matter how hard they might be.

I cycle gear regularly (low doses) and I always eat a reasonably healthy diet. I train consistently too but being honest I don't give it the required effort that I should.

I've set a date in my mind of May 1st for the start of a new direction in my life and I'll be spending the weeks prior preparing myself mentally and reducing my alcohol consumption and listening to "positive thinking" seminars online.

Any helpful advice and support from MESO members would be much appreciated.

I have alot of ideas for you. I think you can actually quit the booze and you won't miss it. You'll realize this eventually. But you need a replacement substance, whether real or placebo, to be used as bandaid when you feel like you need booze. Try phenibut. Just a little bit of it has just enough action in your GABA system to settle yourself down.

I have some other interesting ideas, regarding the women issue, but I don't know if I feel like talking publicly about them. Maybe PM me.

You should start reading about parasite cleansing.

What supplements do you or don't you take?

I have a lot of ideas and tips and tricks. I have done a lot of experimenting. Lots of ideas. Just also understand that the world has actually been shit for the last 15 years. Some are aware and some choose to bury their heads in the sand, but you're not alone.

 

[Joseph Plunkett]

Try Vyvanse in lower doses. One pill, lasts all day, smooth. It will give you that edge and it packs power, but it's very tolerable.

This would help with motivation am I correct?

 

[Inspired]

This would help with motivation am I correct?

It depends. It can very much help with motivation but it's not a magic bullet. You also can be unmotivated while on these stimulant medications, and that unmotivated state of being can be reinforced by the stimulant drug. So if you are sitting there day after day, hyperfocused and exhausted, this drug will give you the endurance to continue in a status that may not be at all right for you (or even harmful). That's why taking time off is a good thing. Any more questions?

 

[Joseph Plunkett]

It depends. It can very much help with motivation but it's not a magic bullet. You also can be unmotivated while on these stimulant medications, and that unmotivated state of being can be reinforced by the stimulant drug. So if you are sitting there day after day, hyperfocused and exhausted, this drug will give you the endurance to continue in a status that may not be at all right for you (or even harmful). That's why taking time off is a good thing. Any more questions?

Nah not really haha.

These drugs are way too expensive than what their worth.

Only for that id give them a run.

 

[Inspired]

Nah not really haha.

These drugs are way too expensive than what their worth.

Only for that id give them a run.

Depends where you live. If you have your doctor prescribe it, insurance will pay for it. These drugs are worth it, depending on what you do with them. They will make whatever you're doing, more profitable for you.

 

[Joseph Plunkett]

Depends where you live. If you have your doctor prescribe it, insurance will pay for it. These drugs are worth it, depending on what you do with them. They will make whatever you're doing, more profitable for you.

They won’t.

 

[BBC3]

I have alot of ideas for you. I think you can actually quit the booze and you won't miss it. You'll realize this eventually. But you need a replacement substance, whether real or placebo, to be used as bandaid when you feel like you need booze. Try phenibut. Just a little bit of it has just enough action in your GABA system to settle yourself down.

I have some other interesting ideas, regarding the women issue, but I don't know if I feel like talking publicly about them. Maybe PM me.

You should start reading about parasite cleansing.

What supplements do you or don't you take?

I have a lot of ideas and tips and tricks. I have done a lot of experimenting. Lots of ideas. Just also understand that the world has actually been shit for the last 15 years. Some are aware and some choose to bury their heads in the sand, but you're not alone.

i'd ike to hear more of your thoughts on parasites. Coincidentally I just started a thread on a couple of anti-parasitic meds I am having trouble getting and BEFORE I read this. We must be dialed in LOL... Check out the thread I created plz if you have some thoughts. I found a few places to get them dirt cheap too. But you might not like one of them..

Anti-parasitics appear impossible to acquire thru normal medical channels...

I am just noting recently that its amazing how over-priced antiparasitic meds like albendezole and mebendezole are, and I also found out that insurance companies simply do not want you to have them. I am wondering WHY... Consider these meds which are designed to treat everything from hookworm...

thinksteroids.com

 

[Inspired]

i'd ike to hear more of your thoughts on parasites. Coincidentally I just started a thread on a couple of anti-parasitic meds I am having trouble getting and BEFORE I read this. We must be dialed in LOL... Check out the thread I created plz if you have some thoughts. I found a few places to get them dirt cheap too. But you might not like one of them..

Anti-parasitics appear impossible to acquire thru normal medical channels...

I am just noting recently that its amazing how over-priced antiparasitic meds like albendezole and mebendezole are, and I also found out that insurance companies simply do not want you to have them. I am wondering WHY... Consider these meds which are designed to treat everything from hookworm...

thinksteroids.com

Tell me the places, sure. I commented in your thread. We are dialed in for sure.

 

[olrak]

This is going to be a bit of a sob story tbh but it's a conversation I think I need to have and hopefully I might get some good advice on here instead of being mocked and ridiculed by silly jacked-up kids like I was the last time I reached out for "personal" help on a bbing forum..

About me:
I've battled with different degrees of depression for a long time now (approx 15 years) that it has almost become a normal way of life for me now to be unhappy and miserable 90% of the time but I want to make changes this year and at least try to be positive and see some beauty in being alive. (P.S I've never had suicidal thoughts.....I'm just mentally and emotionally numb most of the time and day to day life is just a boring grind for me with no pleasure at all coz I really don't care about anyone or anything anymore).

I'm early 50s now and I have remained single since the end of a really long and deep relationship with a woman who was my true soul mate in life and I know I could never find anyone as special as her ever again so I've detached myself from forming real relationships and trust with women coz I never wanna feel that type of pain again. It's a self destructive way to think, I know, but I just can't shake it off. I've been through some tough experiences in my life and always bounced back but the end of that relationship broke my soul and my spirit beyond repair and turned me into a totally different (negative) character.

Being honest, I drink more than I should (booze) and I hate it coz it does nothing good for me but on the other hand it helps coz it keeps me emotionally numb and uncaring and in a "neutral" state of mind. I don't wanna spend what's left of my life thinking this way though so changes are on the horizon no matter how hard they might be.

I cycle gear regularly (low doses) and I always eat a reasonably healthy diet. I train consistently too but being honest I don't give it the required effort that I should.

I've set a date in my mind of May 1st for the start of a new direction in my life and I'll be spending the weeks prior preparing myself mentally and reducing my alcohol consumption and listening to "positive thinking" seminars online.

Any helpful advice and support from MESO members would be much appreciated.

Sorry for your struggles man, I haven't read all the comments so some of what I mention has probably already been said.

Firstly get professional help, no man is an Island, you may go through a few counsellers before you find the right fit but it can really help identify destructive thought patterns and set you on the path to recovery.

Secondly, try to find something that gives you meaning or something your passionate about, although I enjoy weight training for me it's a solitary hobby as I train alone at home mostly so I partake in other sports that I really enjoy and has me meeting like minded people, doesn't matter how old you are as long as your able bodied you can take up any new sport, I'm 43 and took up bjj 2 years ago and regularly choke the fuck out of 20 year olds lol!

And lastly try to get out into nature as much as possible, nature is extremely good for mental health, if you live near mountains take up hiking or mountain biking, if you live in a densely populated urban environment go for regular walks in the local parks.

The thing is you don't have to live the way you're living, but it takes a sustained effort which can be hard to get started but gets easier the more you do it.

Wishing you all the best bro!

 

[Norse13]

I know the 25% puts me in the danger zone of things escalating again but (due to my own personal issues) I've been advised to continue drinking in moderation and only in the evenings (5 nights) with no more than a 35cl bottle of spirit.

I'm not physically addicted to alcohol like some people. It's a mental dependency in my situation but the end goal, of course, is to totally quit and not drink at all.

Small steps

Hey bud @1tank1 , it's been a while, how are you holding up? Keeping drinking under control? Warmed up to the thought of meeting some women again? Any progress on the depression?

 

[1tank1]

Hey bud, it's been a while, how are you holding up? Keeping drinking under control? Warmed up to the thought of meeting some women again? Any progress on the depression?

Being honest, I'm not making any positive progress in the areas you've highlighted.

I don't wanna talk openly about my personal/private life on Meso anymore though coz this website has become a really negative and unhelpful environment....

 

[Norse13]

Being honest, I'm not making any positive progress in the areas you've highlighted.

I don't wanna talk openly about my personal/private life on Meso anymore though coz this website has become a really negative and unhelpful environment....

No worries, some topics are private matters. Hope it'll work out with time.

 

[TrenTrenTren]

This is going to be a bit of a sob story tbh but it's a conversation I think I need to have and hopefully I might get some good advice on here instead of being mocked and ridiculed by silly jacked-up kids like I was the last time I reached out for "personal" help on a bbing forum..

About me:
I've battled with different degrees of depression for a long time now (approx 15 years) that it has almost become a normal way of life for me now to be unhappy and miserable 90% of the time but I want to make changes this year and at least try to be positive and see some beauty in being alive. (P.S I've never had suicidal thoughts.....I'm just mentally and emotionally numb most of the time and day to day life is just a boring grind for me with no pleasure at all coz I really don't care about anyone or anything anymore).

I'm early 50s now and I have remained single since the end of a really long and deep relationship with a woman who was my true soul mate in life and I know I could never find anyone as special as her ever again so I've detached myself from forming real relationships and trust with women coz I never wanna feel that type of pain again. It's a self destructive way to think, I know, but I just can't shake it off. I've been through some tough experiences in my life and always bounced back but the end of that relationship broke my soul and my spirit beyond repair and turned me into a totally different (negative) character.

Being honest, I drink more than I should (booze) and I hate it coz it does nothing good for me but on the other hand it helps coz it keeps me emotionally numb and uncaring and in a "neutral" state of mind. I don't wanna spend what's left of my life thinking this way though so changes are on the horizon no matter how hard they might be.

I cycle gear regularly (low doses) and I always eat a reasonably healthy diet. I train consistently too but being honest I don't give it the required effort that I should.

I've set a date in my mind of May 1st for the start of a new direction in my life and I'll be spending the weeks prior preparing myself mentally and reducing my alcohol consumption and listening to "positive thinking" seminars online.

Any helpful advice and support from MESO members would be much appreciated.

If you are an alcoholic, you'll never be able to simply "reduce" your alcohol consumption. I would venture to say you are an alcoholic, because you are medicating yourself to "numb" the pain.

Get into a 12 step program and start working the steps. Your life will completely change for the better.

 

[1tank1]

If you are an alcoholic, you'll never be able to simply "reduce" your alcohol consumption. I would venture to say you are an alcoholic, because you are medicating yourself to "numb" the pain.

Get into a 12 step program and start working the steps. Your life will completely change for the better.

Advice appreciated. I already know I've got a bit of a booze problem and also some self destructive personal issues that I should probably face and deal with but actually making changes has proven to be very very difficult with so many new problems arising in the world over the past few years.

I've honestly had enough of the world and I'm bored of the life I've got but I'm not the type of person who could ever commit suicide so I just have to keep going from day to day and hope the grim reaper comes for me sometime soon.

 

[Demondosage]

Advice appreciated. I already know I've got a bit of a booze problem and also some self destructive personal issues that I should probably face and deal with but actually making changes has proven to be very very difficult with so many new problems arising in the world over the past few years.

I've honestly had enough of the world and I'm bored of the life I've got but I'm not the type of person who could ever commit suicide so I just have to keep going from day to day and hope the grim reaper comes for me sometime soon.

You’re a loser, stop infecting this forum with your woe is me bullshit. Nobody gives a fuck

 

[theotherguy]

You’re a loser, stop infecting this forum with your woe is me bullshit. Nobody gives a fuck

Right? He acts like a fucking victim with everything.

Change is never easy, I’ll give him that, but if the change is worth making then shut the fuck up and make the change. No one is going to do it for you, nor will they have any sympathy for him when he continues to fuck his life up.

But we all know he isn’t man enough to make any changes, he’ll just keep drowning himself in booze

 

[BawlsDeep]

Advice appreciated. I already know I've got a bit of a booze problem and also some self destructive personal issues that I should probably face and deal with but actually making changes has proven to be very very difficult with so many new problems arising in the world over the past few years.

I've honestly had enough of the world and I'm bored of the life I've got but I'm not the type of person who could ever commit suicide so I just have to keep going from day to day and hope the grim reaper comes for me sometime soon.

I say this with sincerity and no ill will, an AA or NA group might be a more appropriate and accepting place for some of your issues. I know some of the feedback you get here is probably not helping you. They probably would help.

Get into a 12 step program and start working the steps. Your life will completely change for the better.

Excellent advise.

 

[1tank1]

I say this with sincerity and no ill will, an AA or NA group might be a more appropriate and accepting place for some of your issues. I know some of the feedback you get here is probably not helping you. They probably would help.

Excellent advise.

I'm on a few "Positive Mental Attitude" forums and that's 1 of the reasons why I block members quickly with zero tolerance on sites like Meso coz these forums are just mostly full of kids/crazy guys and drug dealers talking about buying/selling drugs/steroids and I've identified that these types of sites are one of my trigger points for rage and self loathing.

I don't wanna associate with people like that on a daily basis, hence why I don't actually post very often or get involved in the majority of "drug" topics.

I use gear obviously so still need solid sources but that's really the only reason I stay in the loop with Meso these days after 30 years posting on bbing forums.